Folks, if you’re standing you’d better sit, and if you’re bareheaded, you better put on a hat so you can hold the F onto it: it turns out British tabloids aren’t reliable sources of information.  (*covers umbrella with lighter fluid and sets it on fire*)  Even though The Sun reported a few days ago that UFC funny guy and avid dry humper Rampage Jackson was confirmed to play B.A. Baracus in the A-Team movie, it turns out that’s no more true than their report about Eddie Murphy playing the Riddler in the next Batman.  From MTV via Fightlinker (great site, btw):

MTV has confirmed that UFC champ Quinton “Rampage” Jackson has not been cast as B.A. Baracus in the coming big screen adaptation of “The A-Team.”

What I CAN tell you is that I reached out to Jackson’s publicist who checked with the fighter’s manager, as Jackson himself is currently on hiatus. The response? “His manager said it wasn’t true.” Move along people. There’s absolutely nothing to see here.

Well that’s a shame.  Rampage as Baracus was by far the most interesting thing I’ve heard about this project so far. I know most of us were young and impressionable when it came out, but let’s face it, The A-Team was a pretty dopey show.  You wanna make a movie about people who drive around in vans that I’ll watch?  Call up Story and Trailer Trish.  Can’t you just picture Gary Busey as the town Sheriff sidling up to the driver’s side window, “We don’t think kindly to… vanners in these parts.”    And then Trish’d be all, “Leave me alone!  You’re just jealous because I drive a Wizard of Oz truck!”  It could be like Easy Rider for the vanner community.  Of course, they’d have to show it at the drive in.

Here’s three minutes of Supervan, the movie Story and Trish fell in love to. [via EverythingisTerrible]

Daily Circle Jerk Links:

• The cast of Thirty Something then and now. Then: people I didn’t care about.  Now: same.  They’ve aged so well! |Getback|
• The 10 most hated people at the gym.  Number one on the list?  Hitler.  |Gunaxin|
• The message of this is don’t text while you drive, otherwise you might end up in an awful Welsh commercial. |Urbanian|
• How does Vick actually help the Eagles outside of the Wildcat offense?  By something something joke about killing dogs, of course. |OpenSports|
• Heeb mag talks to the guy who created the Groundhog Day timeline. |Heeb|
• Cornelius Von Copperpot reviews moving picture films. |NewfangledPictures|
• This isn’t a video game trailer, it’s a SUPERMERCIAL.  For “Serious Sam”. |G4|
• MONKEY HATE MAGIC TRICK! |ScreenJunkies|
• 25 reasons to stop using condoms.  You really needed 25? |HolyTaco|

They won’t… stop responding….

Well, folks, the van people from yesterday are back, and this time it looks like we’ve got the male to deal with.  First the wife threatens me with a defremation of charachter suit, and now the husband’s claiming defermation of character!  (And FYI, I’m not 100% convinced this isn’t a hoax either, but if it is, the hoaxer did their homework really really well.)  Here’s what “Rooster” aka Story had to say.

Story says: So smartass. You say you made a few jokes about rape and molestation. What world do you come from where that is funny. Do you have a sister, wife,kids. Would it be funny if it happened to them Dont think so, so first, its not a joke. 2nd assuming my van is that type of van and that I am is outrageously sick in your mind. We customize our vans and use themes that we like. Theres a Star Wars van, A Pirates of the Carribean van, a Scooby Doo Van, etc. So WTF, we’re all molestors? That mural cost $10,000 and this is my hobby. I built it and had it painted, and has won more show trophys than I care to count.Its not a molestor van. Would it be that obvious. I’m the secreatary of The New England Van Council, and we promote vannin. So to attack 1 your attacking us all. This site was found by a friend searching for vans. Hello it popped up. So anyway, enough with you guy who have nothing better to do than to bash people, posting that I’m a molestor and rapist and youd eat your hat if I wasn’t, get ready to eat it, cause I’m looking into a defermation of character suit. This is our life. If you like the van or not, you have no right to attack my reputation and all of you joking about rape and molestors. My opinion, they all should be shot by the families of the victims. What if my van was seen by one of these victims and they read your opinion about it. My life and van could be in jepordy. Those 2 subjects are no joking matter.
Owner of the van

To respond: First of all, Story, as I thought I took great pains to illustrate all along, I don’t think all vanners are child molestors (though let’s be honest, a couple of you probably are, just by law of averages).  Nonetheless, as I’ve said all along, I have no evidence of that, and according to a recent study by the National Academy of Science & Maths, Vannin enthusiasts exhibited rates of molestation comparable or lower to that of devotees of truckin, noodlin, and wrasslin.  And to answer your question (at least, I assume it was a question, it’s a little hard to tell, seeing as you tend to eschew question marks — a bold stylistic move, I might add): I do like the van. I can only imagine all the hot tail I’d pull in that van, but alas, all I have is this bus pass and lifelike vagina replica made of rubber.  See these?  :-( :-( :-(  These are the frownies of envy.

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I hope this isn’t too inside baseball for anyone, but I thought it was funny so there you go.  Back in February I posted the above picture along with a story about a guy who’d turned his van into a shrine to The Neverending Story.  I made a few jokes about rape and child molestation, because hey, it’s a van. And here at FilmDrunk, we like easy jokes as much as we like easy women.  Fast forward to last week, when the van owner’s wife, who was apparently born with a rare disease that left her unable to detect sarcasm, found her way into the comments section.  What follows is some of the finest unintentional comedy that I’ve ever witnessed.  First comment:

trishalinedm says: Listen you douchbags this is my husbands custom truck that he has had since 79 and is a piece of art. Something that us vanners take pride in something that we work hard for. You guys are just jealous because you couldn’t possibly own anything of value and have to sit on your asses all day because you have no life and rag on anything that you can just to get your kicks and in the mean time you have no idea who this person is you are trashing!! You are trashing his reputation!! Do you know that is a crime to give out false information about people unless you have information to back up your comments that you are sending out to millions of people?? Its called defremation of charachter!! I’d watch your tongues if I were you? How would you feel if you were called a child molestor?? Unless you know the person you are talking about you shouldn’t talk about anyone!! You want to rag on me too? I have a custom truck with a mural of the wizard of oz on it!! These are award winning trucks and we are just 2 out of hundreds of other custom vans out there. And we are very much regular people with ordinary lives!! So you should not speak of what you do not know of!! So get a life douchbags!!!

Ah yes, the old “You’re just jealous because I have a custom truck with The Wizard of Oz on it” argument.  Who hasn’t employed that one from time to time?  Naturally, the FilmDrunkards responded in kind…

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