Sent in by reader Clint, here’s your daily rape van.  Dude… is that a pterodactyl?  That is so righteous.  Forget Charlie Sheen, this guy is the real warlock.  10 bucks he’s got a couple Ren Faire wenches in back of there right now who he calls “the goddesses.”  At least for the next few hours before he rolls his castle to the next realm, if you dig.

MORNING LINKS

Lost And Found: 50 Of The Internet’s Greatest Missing Posters. |Uproxx|

Insane movie posters from Africa, the mega gallery. |FilmDrunk|

10 seriously disturbing pieces of TV fan fiction. |WarmingGlow|

A Guide To Recognizing Your Mascots. |WithLeather|

How humans lost our penis spikes, and other depressing stories of evolution. |HolyTaco|

Unfunny USC douche sends unfunny email to frat bros, humorless bitches pissed about it. |BostonBarstoolSports|

PICTURED: I like this girl’s shirt.  Hey, is that the smiley face guy? |via HolyTac|

The 15 sexiest topless TV scenes. |ScreenJunkies|

A collection of badass MMA knockout gifs. |Clutch|

Fat dude vs. Dog cage: Who ya got? |GorillaMask|

Hey, Communism, how have you been lately? |Uproxx|

Staring at breasts makes you healthier. |Buzzfeed|

David Lynch Launches Music Web Store. |Moviefone|

Charlie Sheen might be broke. |WWTDD|

Mel Gibson cuts plea deal to avoid jail time.  Did the deal include a blow job?  It better have included a blow job. |TheSuperficial|

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Lost in all the hubbub and butt plug of movie news is a real-life story with all the drama and intrigue of Hollywood blockbuster.  It’s the capital murder trial of one Leonard Gonzalez Jr. and seven of his compatriots, who, in a story as old as time, planned a ninja attack on a special needs family in order to save his struggling karate school.  Yes, it’s like The Foot Fist Way meets In Cold Blood meets meth.  And this part may come as a shock, but it happened in Florida.

On July 9, 2009, dressed as ninjas and wearing black masks, Gonzalez and seven others crept into the Billings’ home.  Once inside, prosecutors allege it was Gonzalez Jr. who shot and killed the couple while one of their special needs children looked on.  According to witness statements, it’s alleged the gang of “ninjas” entered the home with hopes of stealing the family’s home safe which they believed contained upwards of 13 million dollars.

The defendant’s wife, Tabitha Gonzalez, testified that the family’s business, a karate school, had gone under. Prosecutors argue this indicates that financial gain was Leonard Gonzalez’s overriding motive.

“He was so broke … that his mother had to buy him a car, which turned out to be a big red van that was used in the murders,” prosecutor Bill Eddins said in his opening statements of Gonzalez.

A van full of murdering ninjas?  Yes, a van full of murdering ninjas.

Read the rest of this entry »

Ever since Rooster and Trish, the Neverending Story Van owners and frequent threateners of lawsuits against FilmDrunk, walked out of my life, there’s been a hole in my heart that booze and public masturbation just couldn’t fill.  But they say Jesus works in mysterious ways, and in my search for something that would remind me them, I found this, the quintessential Star Wars-themed rape van.  All other Star Wars rape vans must kneel in the presence of this one.  It may never come close to what Rooster and Trish and I shared, but I did come up with these van-related movie quotes:

“Run, kids.  IT’S A TRAP!”

“Game over, van, game over!”

“Now DAT’S how you sposta rape van!”

[via F-ckYeahRapeVans]

As part of my commitment to bringing you more van and vannin’-related coverage, here’s the first picture of the A-Team van from the set of The A-Team movie in British Columbia.  As far as I can tell, it’s exactly like the original A-Team van.  Just a boring old GMC with no Neverending Story murals or Wizard of Oz themes or anything.  To refresh your memory, the A-Team was band of mercenaries who rode around in a van introducing themselves to their neighbors as required by law after being framed by their enemies, who were jealous of their van and awesome vannin lifestyle.  They were known for their window decal of Calvin peeing on “injustice” and the bumper sticker “if this van’s a-rockin’, keep on a-walkin’ because no one’s getting molested in here, honest Injun.”

[via SplashNews, ComingSoon]

Folks, if you’re standing you’d better sit, and if you’re bareheaded, you better put on a hat so you can hold the F onto it: it turns out British tabloids aren’t reliable sources of information.  (*covers umbrella with lighter fluid and sets it on fire*)  Even though The Sun reported a few days ago that UFC funny guy and avid dry humper Rampage Jackson was confirmed to play B.A. Baracus in the A-Team movie, it turns out that’s no more true than their report about Eddie Murphy playing the Riddler in the next Batman.  From MTV via Fightlinker (great site, btw):

MTV has confirmed that UFC champ Quinton “Rampage” Jackson has not been cast as B.A. Baracus in the coming big screen adaptation of “The A-Team.”

What I CAN tell you is that I reached out to Jackson’s publicist who checked with the fighter’s manager, as Jackson himself is currently on hiatus. The response? “His manager said it wasn’t true.” Move along people. There’s absolutely nothing to see here.

Well that’s a shame.  Rampage as Baracus was by far the most interesting thing I’ve heard about this project so far. I know most of us were young and impressionable when it came out, but let’s face it, The A-Team was a pretty dopey show.  You wanna make a movie about people who drive around in vans that I’ll watch?  Call up Story and Trailer Trish.  Can’t you just picture Gary Busey as the town Sheriff sidling up to the driver’s side window, “We don’t think kindly to… vanners in these parts.”    And then Trish’d be all, “Leave me alone!  You’re just jealous because I drive a Wizard of Oz truck!”  It could be like Easy Rider for the vanner community.  Of course, they’d have to show it at the drive in.