The early 90s were a weird time. I’m fairly certain that if you boarded a plane to Los Angeles, took a bus to any studio lot, and screamed “I AM A RAPPER!” the top of your lungs, someone would have offered you a starring role in a TV show or movie (see Prince, Fresh, and Play, Kid ‘n). I theorize this because there’s really no other way to justify the fact that someone funded a movie starring Vanilla Ice, and Cool As Ice does, in fact, exist. While IMDB describes it as a “rap oriented re-make of Rebel Without a Cause,” at its heart Cool As Ice is more of a Dollar Tree version of Purple Rain. Like the Prince vehicle, approximately 70% of the movie features Vanilla Ice riding around on a motorcycle or delivering impromptu concerts. Unlike Purple Rain, at no point does it feature Morris Day dressed to the nines and ordering his henchman to chuck a lady into nearby dumpster. This is an unfortunate oversight.

The part of the film I’m breaking down comes from the other 30%, involving Vanilla Ice wooing and later rescuing a local, stuck-up girl named Kathy — specifically two short back-to-back scenes where he first starts to win her affection. Take note, fellas. It’s nothing if not a master class on courting. (Note: There are a few more slides than usual, but I promise we’ll make quick work of a bunch of them.)

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Before I begin, I just want to clarify, that this is NOT AN APRIL FOOL’S GAG. REPEAT: THIS IS A REAL STORY. I can’t say with 100% certainty that I’m not being F’d with, but I can tell you that the source for this is a BBC story from three days ago (corroborated by Broadway.com yesterday), and from what I can tell, it’s legit.  Now then.  Are you ready for this?  Vanilla Ice will be playing Captain Hook in a British pantomime show of Peter Pan.  Yes, Vanilla Ice.  Peter Pan.  And this news comes less than a month after reports of Channing Tatum’s Peter Pan origin story.   My God, the synergy.

Rapper Vanilla Ice will make his panto debut at a Kent theatre. The 1990s star, whose real name is Robert Van Winkle, will play Captain Hook in a production of Peter Pan at the Central Theatre in Chatham.
Ice, whose biggest hit was 1991′s Ice Ice Baby, recently starred as a contestant on ITV1′s Dancing on Ice.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

Tony Hill, the theatre’s general manager, said: “Ice is a huge name who I am sure will be a real draw for parents and children alike.”

…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

He added: “(He) has never performed in a pantomime before, but I am sure that he will go down as a hit.” [BBC via ThisGuy]

(*signs Vanilla Ice to play Captain Hook *) THIS COULD BE MY FINEST WORK!!!

At first I thought they were calling it “panto” to make being a mime sound cool again. Like, someone would walk in going, “Huh, ‘panto,’ I wonder what that is– *curtains go up* OH WHAT THE F*CK!?!?”  But apparently it’s actually a form of British theater:

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You can tell they’re from different sides of the tracks because her denim isn’t spray painted.

DAILY CIRCLE J LINKS

• November news headlines that ought to be TV movies. |MovieFone|
• “Tacos exploding in slow motion” isn’t as sexy as I’d hoped, but it’s still cool.  It is literally impossible to go wrong with tacos and Parry Gripp songs. |HolyTaco|
• 2009 summed up in Autotune |ScreenJunkies|
• Here’s a long but informational piece on movie semantics.  It also characterizes FilmDrunk readers as “people who beat the rest of us up.”  Which I guess is, like, something.  |Pajiba|
• These new Facebook suggestions are getting out of hand. |CollegeHumor|
• Jesse Ventura storms off the Opie and Anthony show.  It’s funny that the show is called ‘Opie and Anthony’ and yet it feels like I only ever see Jim Norton talking.  Not that I’m complaining. |Guyism|
• Buck Rogers has a web series or something. |ToplessRobot|
• Hey, wanna make a VCR out of a toaster?  Course ya do. |GammaSquad|

[picture via ThatIsSoGay]

So they’re making another live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.  Mirage studios owns the rights and they just hired John Fusco to write the script.  The best part of the story?  Check out the heavy lifting the Variety writer has to do to make this sound like a good idea.

Fusco will certainly be able to handle the action elements.

He’s been practicing martial arts since he was 12, and continues to study Shaolin kung fu. He penned last year’s actioner “The Forbidden Kingdom,” starring Jackie Chan and Jet Li. He also wrote a redo of “The Seven Samurai” for the Weinstein Co. His other credits include “Hidalgo” and “Young Guns.” [Variety]

Wow, he’s been taking Kung Fu since he was 12???  Perfect!  Who better to write a Ninja Turtles movie?  Wait, I have an idea: What about Keanu Reeves?  He knows Kung Fu AND has the added benefit of not having written Hidalgo.