I assume they're looking at the box office numbers.

It’s only fitting that Adam Sandler rose to fame as a comedian after recording a song about being sodomized with a shampoo bottle, because the films produced by his Happy Madison crew these days are sort of like that shampoo and our minds are his ass. Sandler’s latest offering, That’s My Boy, is yet another display of how lazy Sandler has become, as my friend and I spent the entire hour and 56 minutes trying to count how many jokes we could recognize from Sandler’s previous movies.

Donny Berger is a foul-mouthed Boston stereotype with an accent so ridiculous that people in Massachusetts should be able to declare this film a hate crime. In a story that was torn from the headlines of 1997, Berger starts out as an all-talk teenager, lusting after his smoking hot teacher (Eva Amurri). Without any real explanation, she bites and they’re suddenly f*cking all over town.

In the only great scene of the film, they’re caught boning on a piano backstage during the student council election speeches, and Miss McGarricle is promptly sentenced to a few decades in prison, only after it is revealed that she’s pregnant. The judge awards custody of the child to Donny’s father, but all that matters is that Donny is now an American pop culture icon, or so the title sequence quickly explained.

Read the rest of this entry »

The one saving grace of Vanilla Ice being in your movie? At least it's not Screech.

I was originally going to do a post about the worst reviews of Adam Sandler’s new movie, That’s My Boy, which opens today, and there was a lot to choose from. I especially liked this chunk from FilmSchoolRejects:

That’s My Boy is, simply put, revolting. It’s so over-the-top revolting that, if it were all just a bit tighter, cleaner, and smarter, a case could be made that the film is actually a send-up of other Sandler films or some sort of black-as-night twisted comedy
The film features such been-there-done-that bits as “these people are preppy, so here is a bunch of plaid,” “this stripper is overweight and also older so let us laugh at her,” “here is Adam Sandler jerking off to someone’s grandma – and she’s totally into it!,” “spit takes that lead to someone trying to dry someone else’s shirt and rubbing their boobs instead,” and “guy slides off hood of car.”

Zee hatred, she is magnifique! But the longer I slogged through all the negative reviews, the more I thought, what’s so interesting about people being disgusted with a film that’s intentionally disgusting? It’s sort of like seeing that Dr. Pepper Ten commercial that ends with “It’s not for women!” and saying, “OMG, that’s so sexist!”, isn’t it? Yeah, genius analysis there, Poindexter. Anyway, I thought it might be much more interesting to take look a at the positive reviews (the 23%, according to RottenTomatoes), and long story short, I was not disappointed. So here they are, my favorite quotes from “fresh” reviews of That’s My Boy.

The funniest movie Adam Sandler has made since 50 First Dates. -Willie Waffle

For some reason, Adam Sandler’s latest seems less annoying than usual. -CombustibleCelluloid

Read the rest of this entry »

Undoubtedly laughing at God.

Happy Madison’s latest “comedy” That’s My Boy hits theaters on Friday, and for once I’m going to be first in line to see it, as opposed to waiting until late November to suck it up and watch Adam Sandler’s annual work for my Worst Films feature. Why the change of heart? I’ve realized that by waiting so long to see films like Grown Ups, Jack and Jill, and Bucky Larson, I’m removing an essential element from the actual process of both reviewing and criticizing – the audience.

I’m going to see That’s My Boy on Friday, and then I’ll review it and tell everyone what kind of people paid $12 (aside from me and my irony) to actually laugh at the story of Sandler as the estranged father of Andy Samberg, as he shows up before his son’s wedding to make amends and borrow money. Who knows? Maybe I’m actually the problem and my hatred of films that also star Vanilla-f*cking-Ice is unfair. So we’ll see how that goes.

In the meantime, some new clips of That’s My Boy surfaced at HitFix, presumably so the bottom rung can hee and haw at them and ignore that this film won’t be reviewed by any critics before its release. That is, unless you count the film’s recent commercial in which Twitter quotes are used. Check out the clips (NSFW language) after the jump, if you’re brave.

Read the rest of this entry »

Black and white means it's classy.

Here’s a fantastic non-story based on the ramblings of a washed up lunatic molded into something that is supposed to resemble movie news… according to MTV, Vanilla Ice might be playing a role in the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot being made by Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes.

Except you can go ahead and replace “might be” with “wants to be”, because he made this silly rumor up and the reality is that he’ll only be responsible for funding roughly $12 of the new film.

MTV News caught up with the rapper during his Sneak Peek Weekappearance for “That’s My Boy” ahead of Sunday night’s MTV Movie Awards, and he teased that he may very well be involved with the Michael Bay-produced “Ninja Turtles” reboot.

“I can’t say anything,” Ice grinned when asked if he would be involved with the return of the Turtles. “I know that they’re not from the sewers now. They’re aliens now or something.”

That’s huge insight, Rob. None of us knew that, except all of us. Does that mean that the guy who gave us the “Ninja Rap” gets a role in the new film? Not at all.

And to that end, Ice said he’s very much interested in continuing his relationship with the fan-favorite franchise. Whether or not he’s actually involved with Bay’s planned reboot remains a mystery for now, but the rapper is wide open to the possibility at the very least.

Open is a poor choice of words, because the appropriate word is desperate.

“Absolutely,” he said when asked if he’d want to join in on the new-age “Turtles” fun. “I’d get a tattoo of it. I’d be all over that. Aliens, sewers, whatever: They’re still Ninja Turtles, and I’m a ninja, so I get in where I fit in.”

There you have it, Vanilla Ice is the kid that will eat poop for $25.

If you’re familiar with Ice’s latest venture, The Vanilla Ice Project on the DIY Network, you know that he constantly refers to himself and his partners as ninjas. He also built a movie theater in the mansion they worked on and he included a poster of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze. That apparently qualifies as “continuing his relationship” with the film.

Then again, this is Michael Bay we’re talking about so Vanilla Ice will probably play rapping Shredder.

Read the rest of this entry »

Adam Sandler with his co-star, your mom.

MTV has the red-band trailer for Adam Sandler’s latest, That’s My Boy, starring Andy Samberg, featuring cameos by Rex Ryan and Vanilla Ice. It looks like Sandler has ditched the family-friendliness of his last few films, but not the need to perform entire movies in a silly voice. HE’S GAWT A FACKIN’ BAWSTON ACCINT IN THIS ONE, CAWKSUCKAH! Sandler plays Andy Samberg’s ne’er-do-well, estranged father who comes back in his life to show him blah blah blah who cares. There are cameos from Jets coach/pussy lover Rex Ryan and proto-Durst Vanilla Ice, and while it doesn’t exactly look good, at least it was directed by the guys who wrote Hot Tub Time Machine (with a re-write by Ken Marino and David Wain, according to IMDB) and not one of Sandler’s dipshit flunkies like Dennis Dugan. I’m not going to lie, I definitely laughed at “You puked on my dress and then f*cked it?!”

Finally, something relatable.

Read the rest of this entry »