(Damn Nation —> Damn Yankees. Don’t tell me you don’t see the connection.)

We’ve had 1000 vampire projects, 1000 post-apocalypse projects, and even a vampire post-apocalypse project.  But Hollywood is like BASF, in that they don’t make a lot of the products you buy, they make a lot of the products you buy sh-ttier and more derivative.

Ashley Edward Miller and Zack Stentz, who wrote “Thor” for Marvel, have come aboard to pen “Damn Nation,” a futuristic vampire project lurking at Paramount, based on a comic by Andrew Cosby and Jason Alexander (not the “Seinfeld” actor).

Set in a U.S. evacuated after an attack from “inhuman nocturnal predators,” the comic tells the tale of the survivors after the government has been forced to relocate to London while scientists search for a solution. [THR]

Sweet, well that sounds pretty sh-tty.  28 Doomsdays of Night Later, they could call it.  You know who I bet would like this?  This guy:

[His name's Chris Noel, btw.  I bet he parties with Weston Coppola Cage. Puffy paint parties.]

(Burton, Depp, and their spouses at the annual who can dress the stupidest contest.)

According to producer Graham King, Johnny Depp and Tim Burton are planning to shoot their film adaptation of Dark Shadows next September/October.

For the uninitiated, Dark Shadows ran in a daytime slot on US network ABC between 1966 and 1971, where it stretched the boundaries of the format with storylines involving time travel, supernatural creatures and its iconic central figure, vampire Barnabas Collins.

“We’ve been working on the script a lot, even though he’s working on Alice. We’ve been given a script. John August wrote the first screenplay. We’re making some changes, but the film’s going to be in production, as I say, September or October of next year.” [Empire]

Everyone in a Tim Burton movie is already so pale, I don’t know how he’s going to communicate that one of them is a vampire.   He’ll probably have to do lots other vampire stuff, like bite a telepathic baby out of the womb or not f-ck his girlfriend until marriage.

Aside from zombies, the two most overused elements in movies today are vampires and the post apocalypse.  Yet Daybreakers has them both and somehow still seems fresh.  Maybe it’s because of Willem Dafoe?  Anyway, this is the second trailer.  Basically, Willem Dafoe and Ethan Hawke are living in a future that’s kind of like the vampire Matrix where everyone’s a vampire and humans are farmed for their blood.  Willem Dafoe is one of the last surviving humans and Ethan Hawke has invented a magic potion that turns vampires back into humans.  Also, there are crossbows.  Hopefully at some point, someone will ask Willem Dafoe how he plans to beat the bats, and he’ll be like “Easy. I brought my Hawke.”

Ow, shut up, I was already leaving.

I’ve gotten 10 or 11 Twilight New Moon-related parody videos in the last 12 hours, so if you sent me one, I’m sorry, it was probably really funny, but I’m swamped like your mom’s crotch.  This one, however, really stood out from the pack.  It comes from Black20 and it’s just a series of well-executed editing tricks, plus some gross-out gags, like blood vomiting and Skeet Ulrich Stephen Dorff (*shudder*).  Just watch it. +10 for sneaking in a Lost Boys clip.

It’s not something I like to brag about, but at a previous job I was once asked to do a review of the Fleshlight.  Though most of you are probably already familiar with it, the Fleshlight is a Maglight-sized tube filled with fake rubber vagina (or butt, or mouth) that sort of looks like a flashlight, hence the name.  The short version of the review is that it’s like trying to jerk off with a three-pound dumbbell in your hand.  Kind of a hassle, unless you make a hole in a bed or a sex doll for it, and if you’re going to that much trouble to jerk off… well, let’s not even go there.  Not to mention, your own hand is already a pretty efficient fake vagina.  Let’s face it, God gave us two fake vaginas at birth and you can even control their kegel muscles.  My, this has been cathartic, hasn’t it.

Long story short, this is the vampire-themed Fleshlight called the Succu Dry.  It’s perfect for the thousand-year-old sparkling vampire who can’t bone his girlfriend and has to spend all day listening to her melodramatic 16-year-old bullsh-t.  I mean talk about sparkling blue balls.  It only costs $5 more than the regular Fleshlight, but if you’ve got eternal youth and this is how you plan on spending your alone time, you might as well save up for a wooden stake to drive through your own heart.

[via Jizzmodo Gizmodo]