And now, from the you-probably-saw-this-coming files, it seems that Twilight kids have  taken to biting each other, and not just because they mistook their friends for delicious, delicious Twinkies.  Yes, this is probably just one of those ridiculous trend pieces, timed to take advantage of Twilight fever, but oh well, I’ll bite. ‘Bite,’ get it?  HIRE ME, NEWSPAPER ARTS DESK!

Teenagers inspired by the explosively popular vampire series, as well as shows like True Blood and the Vampire Diaries, are taking the fad one step further and exchanging real life ‘love bites.’
“It’s a way to belong to somebody and check their territory,” high school sophomore Pao Hernandez told CBS News.

Don’t you mean ‘mark’ your territory?  Oh right, you learned English from Stephenie Meyer.

Hernandez says couples at her school exchange blood with each other to prove their passion, and friends also give each other bites to demonstrate just how close they are.

Mmm, abstinence is so much sexier, especially when you still have to worry about STDS.  DANGER! VAMPIRES! CATS!

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In addition to failed marriages, dead cats, and house husbands writing poetry, you can now add car crash to the list of terrible things Twilight may have indirectly caused.

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. (KKCO) – A woman claims she spotted a vampire on the road ahead of her and it made her back her car into a canal around 11 p.m. Sunday.
According to authorities, the woman was driving on a dirt road at K and 20 Roads near Fruita when she says she encountered the vampire.
She says it scared her, and she threw her car into reverse, backing it into a canal.
She was not injured. Her husband arrived on the scene and took her home. Troopers do not suspect alcohol or drugs to be factors in this accident.
They added that they found no evidence of a vampire. [NBC 11]

Now, I may not have medical expertise, legal expertise, pants, or basic hygiene, but it seems to a me, a person who admits to seeing a vampire when completely sober probably shouldn’t be operating a motor vehicle.  Even if you do have some sort of isolated hallucination, is that really the story you tell the cops?  Jeez lady, at least blame it on a black guy.

[it seemed as good a time as any for vampire dog]

(I can’t believe these are real book covers.)

Vampires were already pretty played out by the time Twilight came along, but when it made a bajillion dollars, people figured, “Well, if that Mormon dullard Stephenie Meyer can do it, why not me?”  And so it was that a thousand novels became a thousand vampire novels overnight.  The “giant sucking sound”, I believe Ross Perot called it.  Anyway, the latest is Richelle Mead’s Vampire Academy.  It’s getting a movie deal too, and why not?  The books have already sold 4.5 million copies.

The “Vampire Academy” book series is a coming-of-age, action driven, “paranormal romance” fantasy. It is set in the present day against a hidden universe of vampires, half-humans, alchemy, and magic.

ALCHEMY! RAT-BATING! STEAM ENGINES! …ROMANCE!

The series centers on a strong, yet flawed, 17-year-old [is she mopey?? does she always look like she has heartburn???]. Rose Hathaway is a dhampir, half human/half vampire and guardian of the Moroi, a race of peaceful and magical mortal vampires who can walk in the daylight, survive by feeding off willing blood donors, grow old and die.

Meanwhile, I belong to a magical clan of bodybuilders, who, rather than lift weights and drink protein shakes, get high and eat ice cream and watch Lifetime movies.  Those other showboatin’ queerbaits are our sworn enemies.

Hidden deep in the forests of Montana is St. Vladimir’s Academy, where Moroi and dhampirs learn to take their place in Moroi society.

I hate muggle society!  Er, I mean Moroi society!  I want to choke ‘bate and drift off to Pandora and be rid of you sick primates!  We call you ignorant Montana humans “Big Sky People.”

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Here’s a short clip from Daybreakers in which a dude demands more blood in his coffee and before you know it, a FEEDING FRENZY breaks out!  OOH WHA-AAA AA-AA!  Sorry I don’t have more time to explain this clip or write something coherent, but I’m rushing out the door to get on a plane.  But you know who’d like this clip?  Professor Sharksworth, that’s who.

(Damn Nation —> Damn Yankees. Don’t tell me you don’t see the connection.)

We’ve had 1000 vampire projects, 1000 post-apocalypse projects, and even a vampire post-apocalypse project.  But Hollywood is like BASF, in that they don’t make a lot of the products you buy, they make a lot of the products you buy sh-ttier and more derivative.

Ashley Edward Miller and Zack Stentz, who wrote “Thor” for Marvel, have come aboard to pen “Damn Nation,” a futuristic vampire project lurking at Paramount, based on a comic by Andrew Cosby and Jason Alexander (not the “Seinfeld” actor).

Set in a U.S. evacuated after an attack from “inhuman nocturnal predators,” the comic tells the tale of the survivors after the government has been forced to relocate to London while scientists search for a solution. [THR]

Sweet, well that sounds pretty sh-tty.  28 Doomsdays of Night Later, they could call it.  You know who I bet would like this?  This guy:

[His name's Chris Noel, btw.  I bet he parties with Weston Coppola Cage. Puffy paint parties.]