"Two gravy pies, please."

While that story about Russell Crowe and Liam Neeson punching animals into an Ark for Darren Aronofsky is still just a rumor, Vulture has an insider who claims Crowe is currently onboard to star in a Dracula re-imagining called Harker. No word on how Crowe came to be attached to the script; my guess is barbecue sauce.

Our spies tell us that Warner Bros. is in talks with Russell Crowe about starring in Harker, a reimagining of Bram Stoker’s Dracula that’s being produced by Leonardo DiCaprio. It tells the vampire story from the point of view of Jonathan Harker, who — instead of his traditional role as a lawyer — is now a Scotland Yard detective investigating the Count’s string of grisly murders in England.

The project (co-written by Lee Shipman and Vulture contributing vampire expert Brian McGreevy) began gathering steam at Warner Bros. around this time last year, when director Jaume Collet-Serra (Unknown, Orphan) became attached. [Vulture]

If you’ll remember, Orphan was the secret dwarf hooker movie starring mini-Madonna, so I hope for a similar twist here. Anyway, we’ve already got Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter coming out, so under the circumstances, I’m not particularly surprised to hear that we can also expect Gladiator: Dracula Cop (how much better is my title???). My only hope is that for Joe King’s sake, there’s a scene where Detective Harker walks into the crime scene, dabs his two fingers in a pool of blood, smells the fingers, then narrows his eyes and says solemnly, “…This is period.”

cinemafestival / Shutterstock.com

Here’s Kate Beckinsale sorta naked in Underworld 3, which is sorta a movie! Oh wait, paaardon me, this is actually Underworld 4. This one’s officially called Underworld: Awakenings, and you can watch the trailer below. It’s a follow up to 2009′s Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, which I didn’t see, but which starred this guy, who seems cool. Like all previous Underworlds, this one was directed by Len Wiseman and stars his super-hot wife, Kate Beckinsale. It’s about vampires or something. Not to be confused with Resident Evil, which also has three sequels, all directed by Paul WS Anderson, and starring his hot wife, Milla Jovovich. Those are about zombies or something. Therefore I ask: Can’t we just combine Len Wiseman and Paul WS Anderson into one person? That seems like it’d be easier for everyone. Well, except maybe Kate Beckinsale and Milla Jovovich. BUT THINK OF THE SEXY TIMES!

Slight update: Okay, so Len Wiseman didn’t direct this one. I stand by all other statements.

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There’s no way I could sum this up better than commenter BK when I showed this to her, “One ring to rule the mall.” |via Regretsy|

MORNING LINKS
Meme Watch: The Resurrection of Guido Jesus |UPROXX|

Fun with the New Two and a Half Men Ads |Warming Glow|

In Case You’re Wondering, Michael Jordan Is Still Michael Jordan |With Leather|

Joe Johnston Wants to Make a Boba Fett Movie? |Gamma Squad|

Beyonce Covers Complex, Says Jay-Z Fathered Generations |Smoking Section|

Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon perform the history of rap part 2. |TheDailyWhat|

Here’s Rebecca Black’s new music video. Not as catchy as the other one, sadly. |Videogum|

Coco Ice wore a bikini, and looks tastefully restrained as always. |TheSuperficial|

Classic car commercials for classically crappy cars. |HolyTaco|

And elsewhere, in Lone Ranger casting news… |ScreenJunkies|

The 10 Best Fake Talk Shows |Topless Robot|

7 Actresses Who Seem to Go Out of Their Way to Be Topless |Unreality|

The 15 Best Minor “Break Bad” Characters, Ranked By Crazy |Buzzfeed|

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It's a naughty nurse zombie from the 80s, because I think you'll be surprised how much movie premises resemble crappy girls' Halloween costumes.

Jonah Hill is in negotiations to make his directing debut, and don’t get me wrong: I like Jonah Hill.  He was brilliant in Cyrus, and he’s totally underrated as a character actor.  But this project sounds like it could be the high-water mark of lazy premises.

Hill is in talks to make his feature directorial debut on The Kitchen Sink, the Oren Uziel script for Sony Pictures about the unlikely alliance between a high school-aged vampire, zombie and human as they try to save their town from invading aliens. The script was a top choice on the recently released 2010 Black List.

It seems pretty obvious why it’s called “The Kitchen Sink,” but in case you didn’t get it…

The title The Kitchen Sink is a self-aware reference to the fact that the scribe has thrown every known and currently popular movie menace into a story that is at its core a coming-of-age tale. When I first revealed that [producer] Tolmach had bought the script, the former Sony co-president of production told me: “I love high school movies, and sparked to the authenticity of these characters. It’s more in the spirit of The Breakfast Club than anything, but you get an idea of the title in an early scene where two kids are running from zombies. Those zombies suddenly are attacked by vampires. Just when they are all facing off, there’s a bright light overhead. You realize the aliens have landed and these groups have to band together, suppress the urge to kill each other, and it becomes thematically the enemy of my enemy is my friend. That makes it different than your usual zombie, vampire, or alien movie.” [Deadline]

Hmm, so basically like Cowboys and Aliens, then? I’d love to believe that this is some hilarious, new take on the material, but at a certain point, everything’s been done.  It’s a Charlie Sheen t-shirt.  “Huh, so this time the zombie is… a piñata?” And the title, The Kitchen Sink… Do execs not know when they’re being screwed with anymore?  Hey, I got one for you: it’s about zombies, vampires, werewolves, and alien invasion.  It’s called “I’m Mailing It In.”

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Tobey Maguire can be such a backseat gamer sometimes

Possible Scientologist and boringest man in Hollywood Will Smith (he’s the Tiger Woods of movies, pre-affairs) reportedly has a new project on his plate.  He’s set to play Cain in a retelling of the biblical story of Cain and Abel, a story which supposedly involves vampires now.  Well sure. As long as they don’t sparkle.  Wait, a black Cain?  Are we sure he’s a Scientologist and not a Mormon?  I digress.  This latest Will Smith project may not star his son, but there’s still nepotism floating around just beneath the surface like so much motel-hot-tub jizz.

EXCLUSIVE: Will Smith has attached himself to star in and produce The Legend Of Cain, an epic re-telling of the Biblical sibling tale, this time with a vampiric twist. Smith will play Cain, the original Bad Boy, and he will produce with Overbrook Entertainment partners Jada Pinkett Smith (his wife), James Lassiter, and Ken Stovitz. The script was written by Caleeb Pinkett and Dan Knauf, with Andrea Berloff revising. [Deadline]

Lest you think that Hollywood is just crawling with random Pinkettses, yes, that screenwriter would be Jada’s younger brother, Will Smith’s brother in law.  And time out, “Caleeb”?  I don’t know whether that’s pronounced “cuh-LEEB”, “K-leeb”, or it’s just a poorly-spelled Caleb. Any of the options are stupid enough to give me a nose bleed.  To make this story go down easier, I’m just going to imagine Jada pitching the entire thing in bad retarded voice.

“HEAH, WIW, MY BWUDDA WOTE DA VAMPIYA THTOWWY.”

“Fine, fine, Jada, I’ll produce it, calm down.  Here, have some ham.”