I’ve gotten 10 or 11 Twilight New Moon-related parody videos in the last 12 hours, so if you sent me one, I’m sorry, it was probably really funny, but I’m swamped like your mom’s crotch.  This one, however, really stood out from the pack.  It comes from Black20 and it’s just a series of well-executed editing tricks, plus some gross-out gags, like blood vomiting and Skeet Ulrich Stephen Dorff (*shudder*).  Just watch it. +10 for sneaking in a Lost Boys clip.

It’s not something I like to brag about, but at a previous job I was once asked to do a review of the Fleshlight.  Though most of you are probably already familiar with it, the Fleshlight is a Maglight-sized tube filled with fake rubber vagina (or butt, or mouth) that sort of looks like a flashlight, hence the name.  The short version of the review is that it’s like trying to jerk off with a three-pound dumbbell in your hand.  Kind of a hassle, unless you make a hole in a bed or a sex doll for it, and if you’re going to that much trouble to jerk off… well, let’s not even go there.  Not to mention, your own hand is already a pretty efficient fake vagina.  Let’s face it, God gave us two fake vaginas at birth and you can even control their kegel muscles.  My, this has been cathartic, hasn’t it.

Long story short, this is the vampire-themed Fleshlight called the Succu Dry.  It’s perfect for the thousand-year-old sparkling vampire who can’t bone his girlfriend and has to spend all day listening to her melodramatic 16-year-old bullsh-t.  I mean talk about sparkling blue balls.  It only costs $5 more than the regular Fleshlight, but if you’ve got eternal youth and this is how you plan on spending your alone time, you might as well save up for a wooden stake to drive through your own heart.

[via Jizzmodo Gizmodo]

Presumably in the hopes of exploiting that huge “how do I become a vampire” market that Google recently exposed, “Urban Collector” has begun selling an energy drink that looks like a blood transfusion.  Because abstinence can be tiring, but this will help you regain that youthful ’sparkle.’  Okay I’ll stop now.

Blood Energy Potion: the world’s first synthetic blood beverage. The fruit punch flavor packs 4 hours of energy along with iron, protein, and electrolytes. Not only does Blood Energy Potion have a similar nutritional makeup to real blood, but it has the same color, look, and consistency of blood. Get real blood nutrients without that real blood taste! The re-sealable transfusion bag style pouch provides the convenient delivery of fluids for vampires and humans alike!  Contains no real blood, just synthetic! [UrbanCollector]

It goes without saying that I’d rather drink milk out of a c’ck-shaped carton than this, but I imagine it might appeal to the target market of teenage girls, sedentary, functioning illiterates, and sorority chicks who appreciate the larger font.  But the question remains: Is it safe for cats?

(Aw, crap, more vampires?)
In case you haven’t been around lately, Ridley Scott has been attached to Brave New World, an Alien prequel, a Monopoly movie, Nottingham, and probably a couple of other projects I can’t remember.  “Ridley Scott” is the hardest-working name drop in showbiz journalism.  Anyway, he’s mentioned again today for yet another project.  Yadda yadda yadda death-row vampires.

[Gladiator co-writer] John Logan has been set by Fox 2000 to adapt “The Passage,” the Jordan Ainsley vampire novel being developed for Ridley Scott to potentially direct.

In the novel, terminally ill patients become healthy after they are bitten by bats in South America, and the government conducts secret tests on human subjects to see if the virus can cure illness. The result is an apocalyptic unleashing of bloodthirsty vampire test subjects that include death row inmates.

Ainsley — pseudonym for PEN Hemingway Award-winning author Justin Cronin — sold the book based on the first 400 pages and an outline, but the film adaptation awaited his completion of the book, which is nearly 1,200 pages. [Variety]

1,200 pages, huh?  That’s impressive, because I can barely manage a couple sentences about this.  Really, who gives a sh’t.

Oh, great, another vampire movie.  Director Paul WS Anderson (Resident Evil, Event Horizon, Aliens Vs. Predator, Death Race) has hired James Wan (the creator and director of Saw) to re-write the script for Castlevania and direct it (Anderson will produce).  Re-write. Which means there’s already been at least one script written for a fricken’ Castlevania movie.  MTV reports:

It was going to span hundreds of years, from fifteenth century Transylvania to the European trenches of World War II, yet also would somehow still be an origin story focusing on the genesis of the feud between Dracula and the Belmonts [Ed. - so about 10 hours long then?], the family tasked with battling the vampire and his clan.
That was several years ago, before the writers’ strike and then the sale of Rogue Pictures interrupted Anderson’s plan to bring “Castlevania” to theaters. Now, with the script getting the rewrite treatment and a new director set to helm the flick, Anderson is considerably (and understandably) more tight-lipped when it comes to dishing out details, as MTV News discovered during a recent conversation.

“There’ll be the whip and there’ll be creatures,” Anderson said, referring to Simon Belmont’s weapon of choice and the mythical beasts he battles as he makes his way through Dracula’s castle in the original video game.

Wait.  Wait.  Wait.  A whip?  And creatures?  This changes everything.  This doesn’t look like Van Helsing 2: Van Harder at all.

If I wanted to see a whip and some creatures I’d just go to a gang bang at your mom’s house.

~ robopanda