It's funny because you can just never get a taxi in New York City!

This weekend marked the worst overall box office gross since September 19, 2008, as Americans only spent $67.8 million to see such instant classics like New Year’s Eve, The Sitter and some other movies that you’ll never see. Despite finishing first with $13.7 million in revenue, the biggest flop was New Year’s Eve, the insulting holiday collaboration produced by Satan [*cough* AL-QAEDA RECRUITMENT VIDEO! *cough, cough* -Vince]. The film cost $56 million to make, and I apologize if that just cause a vein to explode in your head.

And if you’re upset that New Year’s Eve still made almost $14 million, you can place the blame on women.

The movie, directed by Garry Marshall, stars Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Robert De Niro, Halle Berry, Seth Meyers, Alyssa Milano, Jessica Biel and others. Women saw the movie in far higher numbers than men. Fellman said 70 percent of the audience was made up of women.

It is a follow-up to Marshall’s 2010 hit “Valentine’s Day,” which also featured big stars in short vignettes and went on to gross $216.5 million on a $52 million budget. (Via Yahoo!)

On one hand, I’m sort of proud that moviegoers learned from their past mistake of paying to see Valentine’s Day. But on the other hand, I’m concerned that 30% of the people who saw this film were men. I’ll hold out hope that the majority of men who saw this were being punished by their wives and girlfriends for dropping a grand at a strip club on Friday night, because that’s about the only excuse I’ll accept.

More than anything, we should hope that Garry Marshall quits it with these ensemble chick flicks that try to make us believe that holidays can still be magical. If we’re lucky, maybe his next project will be called Thanksgiving, and the entire cast gets trampled to death at a Target the next day. Or at least he can make Saturday Night Live’s The Apocalypse. [It would've done better if they'd taken my suggestion about replacing the cast with Terrence Howard in different hats. -Vince]

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While men everywhere are undoubtedly on the edge of their seats for the release of Valentine’s Day on DVD and Blu-Ray, a survey taken in Australia has been conducted to coincide with the hilarious Ashton Kutcher film, and the results are quite shocking – romantic comedies may not be good for real-life relationships. Nearly half of the 1,000 people questioned in the survey said that they feel like rom-coms create expectations that are difficult to live up to for the common couple. For instance, bathing. I said I’d get around to it, you nagging b*tch!

One out of every four people surveyed said that rom-coms have caused their partners to expect them to know what they are thinking at all times, while one out of five said their significant others expect gifts like flowers on random occasions just because we should feel the urge. Meanwhile, I’m ready for lunch and no sandwiches have magically appeared in front of me, so it appears the flowers will wait another day.

Drive a wedge between me and your parents, NY Daily News:

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Ask me about my haircut, homey.

Capitalizing on the success of hokey clichés stuffed into a manufactured-emotion machine (aka Love Actually), New Line Cinema made a similar Al Qaeda recruitment video for release on Valentine’s Day, which they ingeniously titled, “Valentine’s Day.”  Because there is no God, it grossed $213 million worldwide, and a sequel was instantly greenlit, this time centered on New Year’s Eve.  And now director Garry Marshall says Justin Bieber is going to be in it, because really, why the f*ck not.

The original romantic comedy cast superstar musician Taylor Swift, and Marshall’s team is trying to get another pop sensation onboard for the December 9, 2011, flick.

“Already, they’re mentioning Justin Bieber,” Marshall told MTV News about possible casting. “I have no idea who that is, but I’m sure we’ll meet.”

“I had to call on a lot of friendships, but we still have other friends,” he said. “I hope Reese Witherspoon, Halle Berry. I love the girls. I work well with women. I’m a Scorpio. I’m Italian. I grew up with sisters and I have daughters, so I like women. What can I tell you? And I like making them funny, but we’ll see who we get. Nobody is set yet.”

“Except I hear they keep mentioning this Justin Bieber,” he continued. “Perhaps I’d better see who he is, so when he arrives on set, possibly [we can talk]. So we’ll see.”

I get the feeling Garry Marshall just sort of shows up to the set on the day of shooting to be a figurehead, like the Joe Paterno of Hollywood.  “Justin Beibah?  What’s a Justin Biebah?  Oh right.  What?  No, of co-uhse I remembah. How ah ya darlin’, good ta see ya, good ta see ya. Look heah, do ya nice uncle Garry a favah an’ go get us a cawfee, woudja, Sweethawt?”  And then he’d pull a silver dollar out from behind his ear and say he expects change.

Anyway, I worry Justin Bieber’s asking price might be too high.  They should just get a lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber.

Making fun of Valentine’s Day is kind of like slap-boxing a retarded kid — fun and should be done as much as possible.  With that in mind, here’s the latest from Landline TV, St. Patrick’s Day: The Movie.  It’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect from that concept, plus girls peeing and puking.  And no, that’s not a euphemism for Ashton Kutcher.  It is however, the title of one of my experimental films.  It’s literal, yet also a metaphor.

It’s always nice to start the week with good news and though I don’t have your STD test results, I can tell you that a Martin Scorsese film (Shutter Island) wiped its ass with Ashton Kutcher’s Al-Qaeda recruitment tape at the box office.  Shutter Island‘s $40.2 million opening weekend was a career best for both Scorsese and DiCaprio.  Reached for comment, Shutter Island author Dennis Lehane said, “To celebrate, Me n Leanahdo n Mahty ah gonna go pahty with some hookahs and then kill the sonovabitch priest who molested my daughtah.”

Meanwhile, Valentine’s Day suffered a massive 70% drop from last weekend, which is a nice bit of schadenfreude, but with an $87.5 million domestic gross thus far on a $52 million budget, it’s probably not enough to keep the mullahs who financed it from making another one.  And who wants to bet this kid won’t be blowing guys for heroine in a couple years?  “C’mon, man, make it $20, I was in a movie with Ashton Kutcher.”  Just what the world needs, another drug-addicted former child star.  Or worse, Danny Masterson.

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