Val Kilmer sizes up his future self on the set of "Snack to the Future 2"

Top Gun director Tony Scott, fresh off The Taking of Pelham 123 and Unstoppable, has tentatively climbed aboard the veritable cock pit for Top Gun 2, presumably taking time off his busy schedule playing with toy trains and making explosion sounds.  As Scott told Hitfix:

“I’m not waiting for a script. I’m going to do my homework. I’m going down to I think it’s Fallon, Nevada, down near New Mexico and it’s a whole different world now,” Scott says. “These computer geeks — these kids play war games in a trailer in Fallon, Nevada and if we ever went to war or were in the Middle East or the Far East or wherever it is, these guys can actually fly drones.  They are unmanned aircraft.  They operate them and then they party all night.”
Scott also confirmed this wouldn’t be his next film, but possibly the one immediately after.  So, a “Top Gun” sequel is still a few years away. [Hitfix]

Nerds that play video games and get drunk?  Holy sh*t, that sounds glamorous.  “Yo Icebox, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Oh yeah! I feel the need… the need… for weed!” (*takes bong rip, whiffs high five attempt*)

(It’s a gun, it’s a barbecue, it’s an ATV… I think I just shot truck nutz out my d*ck.  Miracles everywhere up in this bitch. {Val Kilmer added for scale})  [via PhazerBlast]

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• Meet David Dees, an insane conspiracy theorist who’s good at Photoshop. |Uproxx|

• Screw Ufford for posting Steve Carell on Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis before I could get to it. |WarmingGlow|

• Sweet, a video game to teach young girls abstinence.  There are crazies trying to kill abortion doctors, where are the crazies trying to take out these people? |GammaSquad|

• Sex facts, and infographic. |TheSmokingJacket|

• I love this. “Guy at beach tries to wear shorts like a shirt.” |WithLeather|

• G4′s post Comic-Con edition of Feedback. |G4|

• Yahoo Answers answers your questions about meat curtains. |HolyTaco|

• My new favorite video. “They rapin’ errybody up in here.” |GorillaMask|

• Screenjunkies beats me to print with their Dinner for Schmucks review. |Screenjunkies|

• 10 movies you’d have to be a serious douchbag to hate. |Pajiba| (NEEEEEERRRDDDS!!!!!)

• A list of important famous people from New Jersey. |Buzzfeed|

• In honor of Children’s Hospital, the ten most invasive surgeries on Adult Swim. |AdultSwim|

• And finally, the most important story of the day, a bulldog and a tortoise eat Cheerios.  |Urlesque|

(Keanu Reeves will promise to watch your sandwich while you go snorkeling. Don’t trust him.)

Before I got paid to write poop and wiener jokes for a living, I too had to write soul-crushingly dry ad and journalism copy (stay in school, kids).  So it’s easy for me to recognize how excited journalists can get when they get to enjoy even the faintest glimmer of creativity and word play.  They usually overdo it, but what do you expect?  They’re the writing equivalent of a submarine crew let loose in Thailand with three days shore leave, when the vanilla sex normal people enjoy goes out the window in favor of queef-powered vagina darts (seriously, look it up).  Anyway that’s my introduction to Susan Bryan of the AP’s story on Val Kilmer’s dispute with his neighbors in New Mexico.

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. – No words were minced [*cough* passive voice! *cough, cough*] when the character Ed Bailey jumped out of his seat in one of the early scenes of “Tombstone” and told the slick gambler and gunslinger Doc Holliday — played by actor Val Kilmer — to scram after their poker game went sour.
“Take your money and get out ’cause I’m tired of listening to your mouth,” Bailey yelled.
Well, some of Kilmer’s real-life northern New Mexico neighbors share Bailey’s sentiments. They’re upset with him, saying he made disparaging comments about San Miguel County and for chasing away people fishing on the Pecos River at his ranch.
The bitter feelings that have been brewing over the last several years have reached a boiling point. But unlike Holliday, Kilmer won’t be able to settle this with a knife or a pair of six-shooters.

(*beep be-beep beep be-beep*) (*static noise*) THIS JUST IN: Susan Bryan has seen one Val Kilmer movie and that movie is Tombstone.  She loves Tombstone references.  They’re like meth to her, much like Val Kilmer’s character in Salton Sea.  What’s that, you say?  You want to know the actual story?  (*sigh*) Fine.

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Well punth me in the cunth, today sure seems to be a popular day for trailers.  A few more of these and your mom might start hanging around here.  (Get it? Trailers?  Your mom?  Zing?)  Anyway, this is the latest red-band trailer for MacGruber (opens May 21st), which once sounded like a really bad idea, but based on early buzz, sounds like it might be pretty funny.  Amazing what a good early buzz will do for my mood, huh?  (Get it?  Early buzz?  Zing?)  Sorry, I’ve been drinking.

And no dude, I’m not pronouncing your name “FILL uh pee”.  This is one of the few times the French pronunciation actually sounds less silly.  You don’t like it you can go cry to Eye-an Ziering.

Making a movie out of Macgruber seemed like a dumb idea to me — I always thought the sketch was heavy on the cute gimmick and light on the comedy.  But when they hired The Lonely Island’s Jorma Taccone to direct and made it a hard-R rating with Val Kilmer playing a villain named Dieter Von Cunth, suddenly it was interesting.  It premiered at SXSW, and the reviews are just now starting to trickle in like pee on the end of my wiener when I don’t shake it off long enough:

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