I love this picture. I have nothing to add.

[Val Kilmer at Tribeca 2012, via TheDailyMail]

UPDATE: Thanks, Jeremy:

Grindin' rails and eatin' grinders, y'all.

Remember Val Kilmer on a BMX from a few weeks ago? Besides being perfect FilmDrunk Photoshop fodder, it comes from a film by Harmony Korine called “The Fourth Dimension,” which is actually the first of a series of three films, with the next two to be directed by Aleksei Fedorchenko and Jan Kwiecinski. The trailer is below, and besides featuring Val Kilmer as a motivational speaker wearing a bolo tie and fanny pack, and having an awesomely weird auto-tune soundtrack, the titles seem to indicate that the series is part of a Dogme 95-like pledge by the participating filmmakers. Here’s the full text:

Dear director from another land. Here are your instructions. You must forget everything you know. It needs to blur the line between what is real and what is fake. We must never know the truth. You must show us a glimpse of the fourth dimension. We are counting on you.

If you truly “forget everything you know,” wouldn’t you mostly just lay on the floor shitting yourself and drooling? That’s the problem with these pretentious artsy types, their grandiose words are always so full of assumptions and ambiguity. That said, if your “art” happens to include Val Kilmer in a fanny pack and bolo tie giving speeches at a roller rink, sign me up for a monogrammed beret.

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[Download this week's episode here (right-click, "save as.")]

Word up, frotlovers, we back with a brand new Frotcast. First off, I’d like to thank you for making us the third most-downloaded comedy podcast on Podbean. And the only people in front of us are a naked chick and a show in Spanish, so I consider that a win. (Also, last week’s guest‘s book just became a New York Times Editors’ Choice. Boom.) Anyway, this week we’re back with our second-ever in-frotquarters guest, Josh Zerkle, aka Monday Morning Punter, aka Punté, formerly of WithLeather and KissingSuzyKolber, currently of the HouseofPunte Podcast. We talk to Josh about putting artificial sphincters in rats, and play clips from some stand-up comedy I did over the weekend, since a few of you asked about that. Then we came up with a new game, NAME THAT VAL KILMER SONG TITLE. Oh, and we talked about Bronan the BarBronian for about ten seconds. We had a ton of fun recording it, so hopefully you’ll have half as much fun listening to it. Probably not though. Unless you’re drunk. Subscribe on iTunes, email us at Frotcast@gmail.com.

EPISODE NOTES:

• 2:25 – Brendan tells how Niners linebacker Charles Haley apparently used to pull out his giant penis and masturbate during team meetings.
• 7:14 – We discuss University of Alabama’s sorority rap video
• 10:38 – We introduce Punté to Jesse Jane’s horrific voice
• 14:15 – We play a snippet of Anne Hathaway’s nightmarish rap for some reason. Please, please, please, white people, no more rapping.
• 17:00 – Clips from a couple stand-up comedy “shows” I did over the weekend. Topics include porn, juggalos.
• 28:30 – THE MEAT OF THE FROTCAST! We discover the medical innovation of ARTIFICIAL SPHINCTERS! THEY GROW THEM ON MICE! THERE’S A LAB SOMEWHERE FULL OF MICE WITH HUMAN SPHINCTERS GROWING ON THEIR BACKS!  (I believe it was actually Lindy West who first turned us onto this article, so, a million thanks, Lindy).
• 45:46 – Val Kilmer made an easy-listening album? Val Kilmer made an easy-listening album. Can you name the song titles? That’s what we find out.
• 53:38 Brendan reads an email he got, THE MOST SOULLESS CORPORATE TECHNO-JARGON EMAIL OF ALL TIME. Can you ideate your disruptive white space and intersect market adjacency methodologies??

And here’s my favorite interview of all time, in case you missed it:

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This is the trailer for Twixt, from Francis Ford Coppola, the famous wine magnate who many forget once directed films. Starring Val Kilmer and Elle Fanning with narration by Tom Waits, Twixt follows Kilmer’s charater, an author who writes books about witches who finds himself stuck in a small town haunted by a ghost played by Fanning. It premieres at the Toronto Film Festival, and apparently it’s some kind of choose-your-own-adventure story.

Legendary director Francis Ford Coppola premiered his interactive film, “Twixt” at Comic-Con a little more than a week ago, announcing that he would be taking the haunting mystery film on a road tour in which he’d tailor the show to each audience, each night, changing it by cutting and adding as it went along.
“If the audience is the mood to go off on a little bit of a tangent, then you’d be able to go off on a tangent, but if the audience seems to want to cut to the chase, you could cut to the chase,” he told the AP at the event, teasing a new level of fan participation in cinema.
No matter what version ends up on screen, the film will feature Val Kilmer as a witchcraft-focused author who finds himself, during a book tour, in a strange town that recently experienced a mass murder; while investigating, he comes across the ghosts Edgar Allan Poe and a girl played by Elle Fanning. He begins to pursue the story for his next book, and all hauntings, nightmares and danger begin to jump out at every turn. [HuffingtonPost]

Excuse me for one second, I think hear an obvious joke at the door. Oh hi, obvious joke, what’s going on?

KILMER HEARD HIS AGENT SAY ‘TWIX’ AND SIGNED UP ON THE SPOT!

Haha, good one, obvious joke, classic you.

We had our fun with Keanu, but we always knew it would have to come to an end at some point.  Luckily, he’s not the only celebrity a paparazzo has caught looking sad for a fraction of a second.  And just when we needed a new fix, here comes Val Kilmer, rocking a sherpa jacket and house slippers like they were shoes, looking even forlornlier.  Aw, why so blue, tiger?  What mysteries do you hold, Sad Val?  Are you listening to Elliot Smith on that iPhone?

Okay, okay, enough of my palaver.  TO THE PHOTOSHOPS!  (Update: I added a couple user submissions, which are much better than mine, at the end of the slideshow. Keep ‘em coming!).

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