Noooooooooo!

Recently, Uwe Boll made a film called Auschwitz (insanely disturbing teaser trailer here), which he wanted to submit to the Berlin Festival.  The Berlin Film Festival had the audacity to charge Boll a $170 entry fee, and now Uwe Boll is suing because other movies didn’t have to pay.  I really think the UN should get involved.  Having to watch an Uwe Boll film about the Holocaust seems like Germany’s long-overdue punishment for causing the Holocaust.  Is there film festival at the Hague?  They could play it there.

At issue is the 125 Euro entry fee [$169.34] all films are required to pay to be considered for the Berlin festival. Boll refused to pay the fee to submit Auschwitz, claiming the fest, and director Dieter Kosslick, was acting in bad faith and would not judge the film on its merits.

“Kosslick has been fighting me for the last 25 years, as Berlin festival director and before, when he was head of (German regional film board) the NRW Filmstiftung,” Boll told THR. “I don’t believe the Berlinale handles all films fairly. Kosslick has his deals with the major studios and invites his old pals from the Filmstiftung days. There isn’t fair competition.”

Boll’s suit will claim that many films picked to screen at the Berlinale — particularly prominent Hollywood films — did not pay that fee, making the festival criminally liable. [THR]

Look, dude, you have to pay to get your movie into a festival when others don’t for the same reason I have to pay a cover at bars that let hot chicks in for free: your movies are ugly and they make everyone sad.  (Man, I accidentally just really hurt my own feelings).  Uwe Boll’s comedies are more painful than Al Qaeda beheading tapes, I can’t even imagine what it would be like when he’s making one that’s INTENTIONALLY hard to watch.  He might as well just walk down the aisle slicing everyone’s eyeballs like Un Chien Andalou.

Meanwhile, I’m planning a German-themed Odd Couple called “When Uwe Met Dieter.”

Noooooooooo!

Achtung, Jews, I got you an early Hanukkah present.  L’chaim, it’s a new Uwe Boll movie!  What, don’t tell me you’d have rather gotten money, that’s so typical (haha, chill out, that’s just a little Jew humor I picked up at camp).  Fresh off that film where he plays a Nazi at Auschwitz (NOT a comedy) and that other one about the fat, Nazi-fighting half vampire where he plays Hitler (supposedly a comedy), Uwe Boll will soon be drinking shirtless Absinthe shots with Dolph Lundgren. That’s because Boll has reportedly cast Hitler’s ideal of perfection as… wait for it… a medieval war veteran who gets sucked back in time by ninjas.  Hey, man, don’t kill the messenger (Mel Gibson hates it when you do that).

Lundgren told blogtalk radio: “I play an ex-middle ages war veteran who gets f**ked up but he gets pulled into some sort of medieval power struggle, kind of gets a bit of a redemption for all his pains in service. It’s a role I just wanted to play. It’s fun to exercise my acting chops [sic] once in a while. I’ve got to get ready for ‘Expendables 2′.”

Speaking about the plot – which is set in the kingdom of Ehb – director Boll said: “It’s like contemporary, right now big city, and we have Dolph Lundgren basically being a cop or like a fighting coordinator working as this, and one night he gets attacked by ninjas in his house and fell with the ninjas into a vortex back in time.  [...] And then it turns out it’s like 50 years after the first part ‘In the Name of the King’ ended, and Ehb is destroyed and everybody is dead, Jason Statham and everybody who was in the first part, got wiped out.”

‘In the Name of the King 2′ is set to start shooting early next year in Canada. [Bloginity via LiveforFilms]

Uwe Boll has made three movies this year despite there not being a single plausible explanation for financing an Uwe Boll movie in the last 10 years.  I guess what I’m trying to say is, I know people say this a lot, but there’s no way this movie happens.  Just having Uwe Boll and Dolph Lundgren on the same set is enough to get the Anti-Defamation League so far up your ass you couldn’t see straight.

"I must break you," he said sadly to his tanning bed.

I once heard that if you say Uwe Boll’s name three times in a row, he shows up at your house around midnight and forces you to drink a bottle of absinthe with him, shirtless. It’s an old wives’ tale really, but just in case, in the unlikely event that you ever do find yourself bare chested and fraternizing with the enemy, I want you to have at least one mutual topic you can share. Enter the OFFICIAL TRAILER for Blubberella, Uwe Boll’s latest thing that he pointed a camera at. Vince first reported on this about two weeks ago and I’m proud to say that the concept is still just as awful as it ever was: a superhero comedy about an overweight half-vampire who fights nazis? Yes, correct, that was a question -because not even I am totally sure of anything these days.

Trailer begins as some kind of Holocaust memorial video, but then quickly turns inbred slapstick Vaudeville, at the drop of a dime. So please enjoy blatant fat kid joke after blatant fat kid joke. Mark my words: come awards season, ballot chads will be punched.

Official trailer after the jump:

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Clint Howard is looking better

Fresh off his awesome-looking Auschwitz movie, which in turn followed quickly on the heels of his brilliant-looking Darfur movie with a misspelled trailer starring Billy Zane (side note: it’s almost as if he’s not taking much time on these), Uwe Boll is going back to intentional comedy with Blubberella.  It’s about a fat superhero and co-stars Clint Howard, much like my bizarro-world sex fantasies.  Twitch discovered the project in the American Film Market listings:

…by my count at least his third directorial effort of the year along with Bloodrayne: The Third Reich and Auschwitz. This one? Horror comedy Blubberella. The pitch?

The first female fat superhero … She will kick major ass – with her major ass …

All the BLOODRAYNE fans will love that movie!

All the Bloodrayne fans?  Why stop there, why not every dyslexic eskimo in Green Bay?

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Noooooooooo!

We haven’t talked about him in a while, but to refresh your memory, Uwe Boll is the angry German film director who not too long ago inspired an online petition to stop him from making movies.  While I thought it was kind of mean for people to pile on like that (though my offer to fight him still stands), it’s certainly true that Uwe Boll’s movies do suck.  That’s why I’m excited to see him tackle the subject of the Holocaust in his new film, Auschwitz, which promises to be the most awesomely tasteless thing since something something Mel Gibson.

The teaser is after the jump, and it features, yes, Uwe Boll himself playing an SS officer standing guard outside a room as Jews are gassed and their bodies fed into an oven (had you heard? they did the gassing and the burning in the same room).  It sort of reminds me of something something party at Mel Gibson’s house.

“It’s in the tradition of my movies Stoic, Darfur, Rampage, Tunnelrats, Heart of America…it shows Auschwitz as this what it was: a meatplant for humans…a death factory.” [Twitch]

Well sure, who could forget those movies that I’ve never heard of?  Wait, wait, something’s coming back to me… Oh right, Darfur. That was the one starring Billy Zane with the typo in the trailer, right?  I remember now.  Anyway, my favorite part of the teaser is the “NEVER FORGET” title card, as if with the 200 holocaust movies that come out every year it was about to slip our minds until the dude from Bloodrayne came along.  I mean, come on!  That SS guard didn’t even look dyslexic. Where is the art?!

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