NOT MAH BEBBE, BALLA! I WON'T LAT HEEM HURD YEW!

Twilight Breaking Dawn, the first half of the Snorkels the Vampire Fetus Saga, premiered last week and promptly earned a kajillion dollars, even inspiring some fans to try to drive to the theater drunk and on three tires (probably the coolest thing ever to be associated with Twilight). But drunk chicks playing demolition derby wasn’t the only mayhem Edward’s bed-smashing abstinence sex inspired, apparently the film is also causing seizures.

OBEY MY HYPNO-FETUS.

Several instances of people saying they have developed seizures during  the tense birthing scene in “Breaking Dawn: Part One” have been reported. The in-theater seizures, also known as photosensitive epilepsy, are thought to be a result of the bright flashing of red, black and white during the film’s nerve-wracking scene.

That’s the scene that involves Edward having to chew the fetus out of Bella’s womb, by the way. Same thing happened to my cousin, the coyote.

Brandon Gephart and Kelly Bauman had gone to see “Breaking Dawn: Part One” last Friday when Gephart began “convulsing, snorting, [and] trying to breathe,” according to Bauman. He doesn’t remember anything, he says, but soon awoke on the theater floor and was taken out by paramedics. The remainder of the screening was cancelled.

Well that’s one way to get out of sitting through Breaking Dawn with your girlfriend. He probably went with fake seizure only after the “me no speaka English” method failed.

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I didn’t meet my hero, but I avoided a knife fight. Call it a wash.
I was stumbling out of a bar between championship games on Sunday, nursing a not-insubstantial buzz and walking backwards while talking to a friend, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a guy walking up the street behind me and veered to miss him.  As I spun around, I came face to face with none other than Danny Trejo, the most hardass Mexican of all time.  I had only a few seconds to react, and the only thing that went through my brain was, “Holy sh*t, I own a t-shirt with your face on it!”  Even in my addled state, that seemed like a really stupid thing to say, so I just froze and let him pass by.  It remains the biggest regret of my life.  *peels rose petal, stares out window*

Overheard conversations:

“And this has to do with Geronimo?”
“No, the porn convention.”

“And she was like, ‘Oh, I heard about you through the graffiti and fixed-gear circles.’”

[My friend Ryan, to a girl wearing a white fox-fur vest] “I like your, uh, pelt.”
[Girl, who claimed to work 'in fashion'] “Thanks!  People are always bashing fur, but… I don’t get it.  Isn’t that, like, what animals are for?”
[Girl's super-bitchy gay best friend] “Ugh, can we go?  We’re just like, standing in a bar.  I could do this anywhere.”

“Man, Philip Seymour Hoffman does not know how to dress, shower, or shave.”

“So in your movie… do you ever explain why there are dinosaurs?”

That’s all for now. Expect a Howl review tonight or tomorrow (it was better than I expected).

Greetings, Drunkards.  I’ve only got a few minutes here in the Cincinnati Airport (beautiful, by the way), but I wanted to let you know that I’ll be in Park City for the Sundance Film Festival by nightfall.  I don’t have press credentials* because I’m too much of a rebel (to even wear pants) so I don’t even really know what the hell I’ll be doing there or if your daily FilmDrunk experience will even change all that much, but I just thought I’d let you guys know.  Frankly, the hookers just seemed bored by it.  Anyway, expect a few reviews, and maybe a picture or two, but I’ll try to keep my boring travelogues and hobo wrestling stories to a minimum.  (Note: I only wrestle girl hobos.)

Also: follow Filmdrunk on Twitter if you want more up-to-the-minute travel photos, thoughts on date rape and, like… pictures of… signs and stuff.  Shut up, just do it.

*If you got the hookup on that or you just want to send some naked pictures of yourself, be encouraged to email.

Yes, that’s the actual headline of an article in the Deseret News.  An article about, you guessed it, corn mazes.  Utah’s second favorite pastime after butter sculpting.

The theme of Utah’s largest corn maze this year is “New Moon,” the sequel in the popular Twilight saga. Although the movie doesn’t arrive in theaters until Nov. 20, this 24-acre corn maze opens Sept. 24 and continues through Oct. 31.

Aerial photos show that two separate “Twilight”-themed maze patterns have already been cut into the corn — a “Team Jacob” and a “Team Edward.” (In the movie, Bella can choose Edward or Jacob as her boyfriend.) [wait, is this a choose-your-own-adventure story now? -ed.]

The idea of a corn maze is to enter and then eventually conquer the labyrinths by finding the lone exit. Getting “lost” is part of the fun.

I’m glad they explained that, because I was wondering what the fun part of wandering around a f’cking cornfield all day was.  (Usually it’s the rape, but that wasn’t mentioned).  I always worry that I could be doing so much more with my life if only I didn’t spend so much of it drinking.  But then I read stories about Utah and see that nope, I’d apparently be doing stupid sh’t like this.  Decisions validated.  I also read that in Utah, there’s no crime or pollution or hobos, and people are polite and happy, but everyone has buttons for eyes like in Coraline’s basement.