When the trailer for Tony Scott’s Unstoppable (aka Train Day) hit a few weeks ago, it was hard for us here at FilmDrunk HQ to see it as anything but fertile ground for ridicule (to be fair, we said the same thing about a baby funeral).  While we rolled out our mash up parody a few weeks back, Saturday Night Live dropped theirs last night.  You can see theirs above, ours below.  Here’s my brief-but-totally-impartial analysis.

Theirs had:

• Jay Pharoah’s solid Denzell Washington impression
• Scarlett Johansson
• “The Chrysler Building”

Ours had:

• Brevity
• A theme
• Jesus

Giving them the benefit of the doubt (on account of their actually-pretty-funny Millionaire Matchmaker parody), we’ll call it a draw. That said, Seth Meyers still isn’t fit to hold my jock strap while I’m banging his mom.

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OPENING THIS WEEKEND

Unstoppable
LOOK OUT!  THERE’S A TRAIN FULL OF C4 AND SARIN GAS HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE RETARDED ORPHANAGE!  A few people have emailed me today wondering how this could be tracking 90% among top critics on rottentomatoes. I have no idea. Frotcast guests Lindy West and Laremy Legel both say it’s laughably terrible, and I’m inclined to trust them.  That said, there are few things I enjoy so much as a laughably terrible movie, so I’ll be seeing this faster than a MISSILE THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING.  Thanks, Professor Rosario Dawson, your awesome boobs are right again! (Side note: Commenter HohosWeKnow suggested it should be called “Train Day”, which I thought was pretty brilliant).

Skyline
Aliens invade, Eric Balfour shouts.  Actual dialog from the trailer: “What happened?” “He just disappeared!” “My God!” “Reports are coming in!” “They’re everywhere!” “He’s right!” “RUN!” “AAAAAGHHH!”  “Don’t you get it? We’re at war!”  …So yeah, what else do you need to know?

Morning Glory
Rachel McAdams’ butt stars.  Harrison Ford tells Dianne Keaton to “suck it,” though I’m not sure what that has to do with Rachel McAdams’ butt.

Tiny Furniture (NY & LA)
I haven’t seen it, but writer/director/star Lena Dunham did once interview me a few years ago before she became a famous writer/director/star, so clearly she has impeccable taste.

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This week on the Frotcast, we bring back listener and Frotcast favorite Lindy West to talk Due Date and Unstoppable. We didn’t get to see Unstoppable, but Lindy basically tells us the entire plot and how dumb it was, and ironically, this only makes us want to see it more. (Lindy interview begins at 33 mins)

Meanwhile, Brendan talks about meeting a famous former baseball player this week, who told him a story about how Cal Ripken’s wife once banged Kevin Costner during Ripken’s historic streak. Ripken found out before a game, and the stadium had to fake a power outage and cancel the game to keep the Ripken streak unbroken. (Juicy blind item, omg!) That starts at 26 minutes.  Oh, and I talk about filming my television debut yesterday near the beginning.  I have a hard time talking with my hands, which is rather strange for someone with such a dago name.

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Same as last week, this week’s intro song is “Totally Snake” courtesy of the band Totally Snake.

Here at FilmDrunk, we’re huge fans of the trailer for Tony Scott’s Unstoppable.  There’s just something compelling about a movie that keeps upping ante, dramatically.  There’s a runaway train, you say?  My God!  Wait, it’s not a TRAIN, it’s actually a MISSILE the size of the CHRYSLER BUILDING?  With NO AIR BRAKES? And Denzell Washinton’s KIDS are on the track?!?  NOT AGAIN! SOMETHING’S GOTTA BE DONE! I DON’T CARE WHAT THAT PENCIL-PUSHIN’ BUREAUCRAT SAYS!

Anyway, like I said, we love Unstoppable, so with the help of our video editor, Oliver, we decided to take the idea to its logical conclusion.  LOOK OUT, THERE’S SOMETHING ON THE TRACKS!  IT’S CUTE AND FUZZY AND POSSIBLY DISABLED!  Enjoy.

[additional thanks to Frotcast listener Gabe]

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(that train engine is actually 60 feet long)

Variety reports that Rosario Dawson has just joined the cast of Tony Scott’s upcoming Unstoppable alongside Denzel Washington and Chris Pine. Scheduled to begin shooting this fall, Unstoppable comes from writer Mark Bomback who recently penned the screenplay for 2007′s Race To Witch Mountain (oh great, so we’re in good hands then).

Unstoppable, a 20th Century Fox drama about a runaway train carrying a cargo of toxic chemicals. Pits an engineer and his conductor in a race against time. They’re chasing the runaway train in a separate locomotive and need to bring it under control before it derails on a curve and causes a toxic spill that will decimate a town. [IMDB]

The script is loosely based on actual events, which probably means that Mark Bomback once owned a train set…then again, maybe it’s actually based on the time that Denzel Washington and Chris Pine stopped an unmanned train. I don’t know, how should I know? I’m not the one who told you to cheat off me during this test. Well, regardless of whatever the hell it actually means to say that something is “inspired by true events”, I do believe that Mitch Hedberg said it best:
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