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I don’t know how to feel about this story. We’re starting with a “mainstream reboot of Toxic Avenger,” so the weirdness level is already at a 10 before we even get to the part where Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to star. Does having Arnold in it make it more weird or less? I have no idea.

Obviously, he’s not going to play the 98-pound lead, Melvin, but I’m not sure who that leaves. Perhaps Hans, the burly, mulatto-ass loving shopkeep.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in talks to star in the new “Toxic Avenger,” but he’s no Toxie. He’s in negotiations for another lead role in the reimagining of the 1980s cult pic.
International Film Trust, the sales outfit launched last week by Benaroya Pictures and Miscellaneous Entertainment, is pitching  Steve Pink’s reboot of the campy 1984 action comedy in the run-up to Cannes. New project has been described as an action adventure geared toward mainstream auds. Schwarzengegger is talks with the producers to star.  “Hot Tub Time Machine” helmer Pink and Daniel C. Mitchell penned the script.
Troma Entertainment’s Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman directed the original 1984 pic, which initially flopped before gaining cult popularity through midnight screenings. “Avenger” went on to spawn three sequels, a musical and a cartoon.
Story centers around Melvin Ferd III, a 98-pound weakling who gets transformed into a superhuman crime-fighting creature after falling into a vat of toxic waste. |Variety|

I don’t… I just… …what? 90 percent of Toxic Avenger‘s appeal is that it’s so non-mainstream and wrong. If you make it “geared towards mainstream auds,” what does that leave? The mop?

“Hey, I have an idea! Let’s do Fast & Furious, but with an all-dog cast and no cars!”

“Great idea! Waiter, fetch us more cocaine!”
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Early this morning, Jeff Sneider at TheWrap filed a story that Michael B. Jordan (best known as Wallace in The Wire) was “in contention” to play The Human Torch in Fox’s Fantastic Four Reboot. It’s hard to know what “in contention” or “being considered” even really mean as it relates to casting, but Fantastic Four is being directed by Josh Trank of Chronicle, which also starred Michael B. Jordan, whose star is sure to be on the rise after starring in the critically acclaimed festival darling Fruitvale (now Fruitvale Station), so I guess it would make sense. Sure, why not, he’s a good actor. Either way, in and of itself, this news item is still a few facts away from me giving a shit.

But of course, this wouldn’t make Kerfuffle Watch without a kerfuffle, or at least a fracas with a whiff of hubbubelry. OH MY GOD, A BLACK GUY MIGHT PLAY A WHITE CHARACTER! Just search “human torch black” on Twitter if you want to see some pissed off people. But I wouldn’t recommend it, because let’s be honest, if you go snooping around pond bottoms, you’re going to find scum. It’s not a surprise. The age old argument in play here is, “Wouldn’t black guys be pissed if a white guy was cast as a black character?!” Probably, but I don’t feel like playing make believe in order to predict whether people might be offended by something. They probably will. Someone, somewhere, will be. All things being equal, yeah, a white guy could play a black guy from a comic book and vice versa, and everyone would be fine with it. But all things aren’t quite equal yet, there’s still the memory of minstrel shows and black people being underrepresented and blah blah blah. Maybe some day it will be just as okay for a white dude to play a black dude as vice versa, but we’re not quite there yet. So in the meantime, maybe just shut up about it because who really cares anyway.

Let’s not forget, we’re talking about The Human Torch here, a character named “Johnny Storm,” who is literally flaming. The people worried that the character might be black don’t seem at all troubled by the fact that he’s super duper gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are gay superheros. Look, all I’m saying is, if a black guy playing The Human Torch is something that legitimately troubles you, I’m going to wedgie you with your own Klan robes, you tumbling, tumbling dickweed.

Photo Credit: Phil Stafford / Shutterstock.com / Marvel.com

Last time we heard about Relativity Media’s reboot (remake?) of The Crow, Juan Carlos Fresnadillo was directing and it was set to star Bradley Cooper in the lead. Which is like casting the captain of the lacrosse team as the head goth. To make matters worse, leaked concept art had Cooper wearing a top hat like Slash with a vest and basically looking like a Jonas Brother with eyeliner (the horror…). Fresnadillo and Cooper both wisely bailed on the project in late 2011, and, I sh*t you not, Relativity wanted to cast Mark Wahlberg or Channing Tatum instead. Now they’ve got another three-named Latino directing, F. Javier Gutierrez, and word is that James McAvoy is “circling” the lead, whatever that means.

Anyone else wonder if they just floated those ideas about Bradley Cooper and Channing Tatum so that this one would sound less stupid?

Bloody Disgusting has been on the forefront on most of the casting news for Relativity’s The Crow reboot. And even though we were once mocked for announcing that Mark Wahlberg was in serious discussion, it eventually came out via the actor that we were 100% correct. The same insider is back again with another whopper of a tip…
James McAvoy, who blew our minds as Charles Xavier in X-Men: First Class, is circling Relativity’s long-gestured remake. He would star as Eric Draven, a man brutally murdered whom comes back to life as an undead avenger of his and his fiancée’s murder. [Bloody-Disgusting]

Back in 1994, those heady days of Friends and Green Day starting mudfights, a goth hero in face paint and tight black leathers killing people and wailing on the guitar seemed fresh and kind of novel (as did Bai Ling). In 2013, I have to assume that we’re going to get Slipknot songs and a Crow who looks like Mask from Tapout (*pours out energy drink*). I mean Slipknot is best case scenario. But who knows, I’m sure the company that thought Brad Cooper in a tophat was a good idea can make the kind of creative decisions that will keep this both fresh and respectful. Godspeed, you geniuses.

My idea for a reboot is called The Crowe, about a fat Australian who goes around throwing meat pies at people who make fun of his band. The key to his invincibility is an old hoagie he keeps in his pocket.

This summer, Universal is going to build you a house in your idealized past where you can play with your old toys and lost youth and live happily ever after with Scruffy, the beagle who went off to live on your uncle’s farm after he chewed up your mom’s shoes! …Something like that.

Universal Pictures has made a deal for The Legend Of Conan, an action film that will star Arnold Schwarzenegger in one of his signature roles as Robert E. Howard’s mythic barbarian.

Yo, isn’t the life expectancy of a barbarian like 27? I want whatever barbarian healthcare plan he’s on. Arnold will be 67 if this comes out on schedule.

The film will be produced by Fredrik Malmberg and Chris Morgan. Malmberg is CEO of Paradox Entertainment, which holds the rights to Conan. Morgan is the Universal-based writer and producer whose credits include the last four Fast and the Furious films, along with Wanted and 47 Ronin. Morgan has hatched the story and might write the script.

If you’re wondering, “But hey, didn’t they just make a Conan reboot starring that Hawaiian guy?” You would be correct, but no one saw it, so they can just reboot it again. Or give it a partial-reboot sequel thingy like this is.

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Black and white means it's classy.

Here’s a fantastic non-story based on the ramblings of a washed up lunatic molded into something that is supposed to resemble movie news… according to MTV, Vanilla Ice might be playing a role in the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot being made by Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes.

Except you can go ahead and replace “might be” with “wants to be”, because he made this silly rumor up and the reality is that he’ll only be responsible for funding roughly $12 of the new film.

MTV News caught up with the rapper during his Sneak Peek Weekappearance for “That’s My Boy” ahead of Sunday night’s MTV Movie Awards, and he teased that he may very well be involved with the Michael Bay-produced “Ninja Turtles” reboot.

“I can’t say anything,” Ice grinned when asked if he would be involved with the return of the Turtles. “I know that they’re not from the sewers now. They’re aliens now or something.”

That’s huge insight, Rob. None of us knew that, except all of us. Does that mean that the guy who gave us the “Ninja Rap” gets a role in the new film? Not at all.

And to that end, Ice said he’s very much interested in continuing his relationship with the fan-favorite franchise. Whether or not he’s actually involved with Bay’s planned reboot remains a mystery for now, but the rapper is wide open to the possibility at the very least.

Open is a poor choice of words, because the appropriate word is desperate.

“Absolutely,” he said when asked if he’d want to join in on the new-age “Turtles” fun. “I’d get a tattoo of it. I’d be all over that. Aliens, sewers, whatever: They’re still Ninja Turtles, and I’m a ninja, so I get in where I fit in.”

There you have it, Vanilla Ice is the kid that will eat poop for $25.

If you’re familiar with Ice’s latest venture, The Vanilla Ice Project on the DIY Network, you know that he constantly refers to himself and his partners as ninjas. He also built a movie theater in the mansion they worked on and he included a poster of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze. That apparently qualifies as “continuing his relationship” with the film.

Then again, this is Michael Bay we’re talking about so Vanilla Ice will probably play rapping Shredder.

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