No Thanks Magazine reports that Universal has hired a team of writers to write a sequel to Bruce Almighty. You know, much like they did four years ago before releasing a massive flop that lost between $2 and $37 million (not including marketing) depending on who you ask. But Jim Carrey is returning for this one so everything’s fine! Facepalm Weekly adds that this one will even ignore the plot of the second movie, which would make it a sort of partial-reboot, sequely thing, as confirmed by Sorry You Asked Digest.

The studio is in talks with the scripting team of Jarrad Paul and Andrew Mogel (“Hot Tub Time Machine,” “Yes Men”) to write a followup to the 2003 hit “Bruce Almighty.”
Project’s being developed as a starring vehice with “Bruce Almighty” star Jim Carrey in mind.
Carrey starred as TV reporter given the chance to be God for a week after complaining to God about a rival co-worker being promoted to the anchor slot.

This time around he can play a struggling screenwriter complaining to God about a studio turning down his original comedy in favor of a rehash of an idea that was kinda lame nine years ago. Then they can screen it for half price as a double feature with Austin Powers 4 at the Things We Liked in the 90s Theater. I hear Paula Cole works a greeter there, flashing her hairy pits at everyone who comes in.

[since someone asked, yes, there are also plans for a Dumb and Dumber sequel]

Pooping Maya thinks a sequel would just be wrong.

Last week, Vincent brought us the news that Universal really loves money and hates leaving well enough alone, so studio executives decided that it’s time for a Bridesmaids sequel. There’s just one little problem with Universal’s plan – Kristen Wiig is all like, “No way, Jose” because she’s working on something else. Just kidding, though, because that’s not a problem. Not to Universal anyway, because Bridesmaids 2 Bride Harder Post Coital Boogaloo will probably be made whether Wiig wants to be on board or not.

Thankfully, the original film’s surprise star, Melissa McCarthy, would like Universal to know that this is a very stupid idea, according to an article posted over at E!.

“God, I wouldn’t want to,” McCarthy told me on Saturday at the Palms Springs International Film Festival gala. “I would never want to. I think it’s a terrible idea.”

McCarthy said she doesn’t know what the studio is planning.

“I don’t (know) anything about it,” she said. “But I know that nobody wants to do it unless it’s great. If it is, I will show up wherever those ladies are.”

Seeing as Bridesmaids grossed a ridiculous $288 million worldwide on a $32 million budget, a sequel will be made despite the best efforts of McCarthy, Wiig, her writing partner Annie Mumolo, director Paul Feig, or Jon Hamm’s dreamy ass. Universal execs just shouldn’t act all surprised when the sequel tanks and people like me call it one of the Worst Movies of the Year. And you can bet your ass I’ll be shaking my fist when I do it. That’s how serious I’ll be.

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Bridesmaids earned $288 million on a $32 million budget this past year, long-overdue vindication for our decision to give women the right to vote. And when you make that much money on a comedy, people expect you to make a sequel. Hell, Mike Myers is still trying to make Austin Powers 4, and Austin Powers is older than my last three girlfriends. So what do you say, Kristin Wiig? Will we get  Meet your Fockers someday?

The mystery is why Universal has made so little progress on launching a Bridesmaids 2 — and why the star of the film is refusing to do a reprise. “We aren’t working on that,” Wiig, who co-wrote the film with Annie Mumolo, tells The Hollywood Reporter. “Annie and I aren’t planning a sequel. We are writing something else.”
With Wiig balking [my cousin went to juvie for Wiig balking -Ed.], Universal chief Ron Meyer took her to dinner in New York to see whether he could change her mind. He likely dangled an eight-figure payday before her, but the 38-year-old star held firm.

Yes, her not wanting to do a sequel is a mystery, alright. I bet when those studio execs smelled integrity, they all pointed at her and shrieked like body snatchers.

BUT WAIT! There must be a better explanation for this easily-explainable decision!

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Illumination Entertainment, whose past offerings include Despicable Me, Hop, and the upcoming The Lorax, is planning a 3D-animated adaption of Woody Woodpecker, for which they’ve hired the Blades of Glory writers for some reason. Woody Woodpecker first appeared in 1940 when he was voiced by a pre-Bugs Bunny Mel Blanc, and was more or less your standard lovable mischief-maker. Them trying to update an old property should come as no surprise to anyone who heard the news about planned adaptations of Ouija Board, Legos, Bazooka Joe cartoons, and the View Master (all real projects, by the way). In any case, I’m sure Brendan Fraser is waiting patiently by the phone.

To me the most interesting aspect of the story is what the state of slang must’ve been like in the forties. Naming a character “Woody Woodpecker” at least from the 1980s on is basically calling him “Erection McHardpenis.” Not exactly something you want your kids playing with.

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He flip you

Back in 2008, Universal replaced director Mark Romanek with Joe Johnston just a few months before Wolf Man (starring Benicio Del Toro) was set to begin shooting. The film turned out to be what some analysts call “a beeg fawken piece of sheet”, and ended up earning $139 million worldwide on an estimated $150 million budget. (Johnston collected his check and moved onto Captain America, which also wasn’t very good, but I’m sure he’ll go on to direct even more mediocre movies, because Hollywood is apparently a lot like Wall Street). Then in June, we heard Universal was planning to reboot the movie they made barely a year before and call it “Werewolf,” because wolves are so hot right now thanks to that twink-ish alpaca, Taylor Lautner.

The good news is that that reboot/remake/sequel/reimagining/whatever you want to call it is now going straight to DVD. From the press release:

There’s no safe place to hide as the all-new supernatural Untitled Werewolf Thriller begins principal photography in and around Bucharest, Romania. Universal celebrates its storied history of creatures and horror with an exhilarating original adventure that embraces the popular cultural resurgence of the age-old werewolf myth. Breathtaking action and nail-biting suspense collide as an army of bounty hunters descend on a tiny hamlet in search of the most terrifying monster they have ever fought. The latest entry in the hugely successful DVD Originals™ line from Universal 1440 Entertainment, a production entity of Universal Studios Home Entertainment, Untitled Werewolf Thriller will be released on Blu-ray™, DVD, Digital Download and On Demand in time for Halloween 2012. |Slashfilm|

It will be directed by Louis Morneau, whose credits include such blockbusters as Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead; The Hitcher II: I’ve Been Waiting; and Bats, and it’s set to star even more people you’ve never heard of. To make a long story short, it’s a positive setback for the current Hollywood push towards reboots and remakes that’s been going on for the last few years. Though I do enjoy that they were able to write that entire press release, complete with full cast, synopsis, and release date, before they even bothered to give it a title.

“Try our new artisan hot pockets! Developed by Hormel and celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck to be spicy enough for a man, pH-balanced for a woman. We call it ‘Untitled Beef Tube.’ Coming to gas stations and convenience stores this spring.”