Illumination Entertainment, whose past offerings include Despicable Me, Hop, and the upcoming The Lorax, is planning a 3D-animated adaption of Woody Woodpecker, for which they’ve hired the Blades of Glory writers for some reason. Woody Woodpecker first appeared in 1940 when he was voiced by a pre-Bugs Bunny Mel Blanc, and was more or less your standard lovable mischief-maker. Them trying to update an old property should come as no surprise to anyone who heard the news about planned adaptations of Ouija Board, Legos, Bazooka Joe cartoons, and the View Master (all real projects, by the way). In any case, I’m sure Brendan Fraser is waiting patiently by the phone.

To me the most interesting aspect of the story is what the state of slang must’ve been like in the forties. Naming a character “Woody Woodpecker” at least from the 1980s on is basically calling him “Erection McHardpenis.” Not exactly something you want your kids playing with.

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He flip you

Back in 2008, Universal replaced director Mark Romanek with Joe Johnston just a few months before Wolf Man (starring Benicio Del Toro) was set to begin shooting. The film turned out to be what some analysts call “a beeg fawken piece of sheet”, and ended up earning $139 million worldwide on an estimated $150 million budget. (Johnston collected his check and moved onto Captain America, which also wasn’t very good, but I’m sure he’ll go on to direct even more mediocre movies, because Hollywood is apparently a lot like Wall Street). Then in June, we heard Universal was planning to reboot the movie they made barely a year before and call it “Werewolf,” because wolves are so hot right now thanks to that twink-ish alpaca, Taylor Lautner.

The good news is that that reboot/remake/sequel/reimagining/whatever you want to call it is now going straight to DVD. From the press release:

There’s no safe place to hide as the all-new supernatural Untitled Werewolf Thriller begins principal photography in and around Bucharest, Romania. Universal celebrates its storied history of creatures and horror with an exhilarating original adventure that embraces the popular cultural resurgence of the age-old werewolf myth. Breathtaking action and nail-biting suspense collide as an army of bounty hunters descend on a tiny hamlet in search of the most terrifying monster they have ever fought. The latest entry in the hugely successful DVD Originals™ line from Universal 1440 Entertainment, a production entity of Universal Studios Home Entertainment, Untitled Werewolf Thriller will be released on Blu-ray™, DVD, Digital Download and On Demand in time for Halloween 2012. |Slashfilm|

It will be directed by Louis Morneau, whose credits include such blockbusters as Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead; The Hitcher II: I’ve Been Waiting; and Bats, and it’s set to star even more people you’ve never heard of. To make a long story short, it’s a positive setback for the current Hollywood push towards reboots and remakes that’s been going on for the last few years. Though I do enjoy that they were able to write that entire press release, complete with full cast, synopsis, and release date, before they even bothered to give it a title.

“Try our new artisan hot pockets! Developed by Hormel and celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck to be spicy enough for a man, pH-balanced for a woman. We call it ‘Untitled Beef Tube.’ Coming to gas stations and convenience stores this spring.”

"First ju getta money, den ju getta power. Den I get a parrot, mang, ju watch." -Scarfeather

It’s no surprise that someone would want to remake Scarface, given that Scarface was already a remake, and assuming what Oliver Stone says about Scarface is true. Now, according to a report by Deadline, Universal is prepping a new Scarface that “is not intended to be a remake or a sequel” to either the 1932 or the 1983 Scarface. Instead it will be a new version that takes story elements and a title from the previous versions. In related news, someone at Universal needs to go look up what “remake” means.

I’d heard that the studio has been meeting writers to script a take for a film that will be produced by Marc Shmuger and his Global Produce banner along with Martin Bregman. Bregman produced the Pacino version.
The film is not intended to be a remake or a sequel. It will take the common elements of the first two films: An outsider, an immigrant, barges his way into the criminal establishment in pursuit of a twisted version of the American dream, becoming a kingpin through a campaign of ruthlessness and violent ambition. The studio is keeping the specifics of where the new Tony character comes from under wraps at the moment, but ethnicity and geography were important in the first two versions. In the 1932 Scarface, an Italian (Paul Muni) took over Chicago, and in the Brian De Palma-directed remake, a Cuban cornered the cocaine trade in 1980s Miami. [Deadline]

If they’re still taking pitches, I think this film should tell the exciting true story of how the Wahlberg Brothers went to New York, discovered that there was a restaurant selling Wahlbergers, muscled in on the action, and took it back to Mass. It’s the American dream. “First you model the fackin’ undahweah, then you write the rap sawngs. Then you become an actah, then you get nawminated fahr a fackin’ Oscah, then some queah in New Yawk names a burgah aftah you called The Wahlburgah. Then you take the Wahlburgahs, and staht sellin’ em down neah da fackin’ hahbah, THEN you get the powah.”

It’s a reflection of our times.

I first told you about Richelle Olson’s lawsuit against Sacha Cohen and the producers of Bruno back in June 2009. It sounded like bullsh*t even then, so it’s not surprising that a lower court and then an appeals court both ruled as much. Now an appeals court has affirmed Universal’s motion make Olson pay their attorneys’ fees, which, as much as it’s a faceless corporation triumphing over an old lady in a wheelchair, actually seems fair.

But by far my favorite part of the story is the details it reveals about the original case, which are hilarious. Or at least, as hilarious as an incident that ends with an old lady getting paralyzed could ever be.

Cohen, NBC Universal, and other production companies on Bruno were sued in 2009 by Richelle Olson and her husband after allegedly being subjected to a confrontation that resulted in injuries including a “brain bleed.”

The incident in question happened on May 24, 2007 at Olson’s bingo hall. Cohen, acting as “Bruno,” was invited up to the stage to call out the numbers. The film crew was present, and all of the elderly people in attendance had signed a “Standard Consent Agreement” to be filmed for a “documentary-style film.”

Universal submitted 28 minutes of unedited footage showing what happened. According to a footnote in the latest appeals court decision:

“After Cohen called out the Bingo number 36, he states that “36″ was the age of his former male partner. Later, when he calls out the number 3, he says that his former partner’s birthday was “May 3.” When he later calls out the number 59, he remarks that 59 was the number of his hotel room he stayed in when he met his former partner, and a few minutes later when he announces number 42, Cohen offers that “42 inches was his partner’s chest size. Finally, after Cohen announces the number 7, he comments that he met his partner on “July 7.” Some members of the audience can be heard laughing after each comment.”

Bear with me, it’s about to get good. See if you can find my favorite line in this next blockquote:

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Battleship (with its rumored $200 million budget) doesn’t open for almost another year (May 2012), and already the other BOARD GAME ADAPTATIONS (I still can’t f*cking believe I’m typing that phrase) are dropping like flies. Three weeks ago, Universal dropped its plan to remake/adapt Clue, and now they’ve dropped the Ouija board movie set to be produced by Michael Bay and directed by McG. Why, it’s almost as if someone at Universal actually heard the words “an Ouija board movie directed by McG.”

The project had been set up at the studio since 2008, when Universal signed a rather aggressive deal with the world’s second-largest toymaker to develop Hasbro and Milton Bradley properties like Candy Land, Stretch Armstrong, Battleship, and Ouija into film titles. Most recently, screenwriter Simon Kinberg (Sherlock Holmes) had taken a pass at the Ouija script under the supervision of McG, who envisioned it as a big-budget Jumanji-like family fantasy, but apparently to no avail.

So strange that they wouldn’t want it. I mean, what better purpose could movies serve than to resurrect dead children’s toys? “This summer, from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan… POGS… in 3D!”

Insiders say that Bay and McG are taking meetings with other studios next week to drum up interest. (Paramount Pictures, with whom producer Bay has an obvious longstanding relationship from directing Hasbro’s Transformers franchise, is said to have passed on taking over the project.)

Assuming it ever does get made (it won’t), I can’t wait for the inevitable Entertainment Weekly cover story about what heroes McG and Michael Bay are for putting aside greed to make the two-hour toy commercial they always believed in.
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