Hasbro and Universal: A Match Made in Candy Hell

There’s a really interesting story over at NY Mag about the colossal failure of the partnership between Hasbro and Universal. The whole thing is definitely worth a read if you want to see people get torn apart for blowing mountains of money on movies about Stretch Armstrong, Battleship, Candy Land, and Ouija boards, but I’ve picked out a few highlights for you.

Signed in 2008, the pact originally anticipated a far-less-costly moviemaking world in which movie stars wouldn’t be the attraction, brands would. And yet: Candy Land has now been scooped up by another studio not because of the inherent attraction of the board game, but precisely because it would make a good vehicle for a big star.

Again, that star is Adam Sandler. If I were a betting man, I would put most of my fingers and toes on the fact that this will make Burnsy’s list of worst movies of the year. Provided you know a bookie who accepts fingers and toes as payment. I’m good for it, I SWEAR! [hides stumps behind back]

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With Battleship set to open on May 18, it would seem that Universal is full steam ahead (*tugboat horn*) with the threat of producing a series of films based on Hasbro games. However, as we learned last year, the threat is dying. First, Universal killed Clue in the board room with the red pen, and then the studio gently pushed its McG-helmed Ouija Board movie into the dumpster.

Now, as if the gods have heard our cries for salvation, Universal has also dropped its Stretch Armstrong movie that was not only going to be in 3D, but would have starred Taylor Lautner. That’s right, it was the perfect storm of elastic crap.

So why the toe tag, Universal?

The Tay-Tay camp is claiming “it was our choice” to pull out of the film, but in fact a project insider told Deadline months ago right after Lautner’s Lionsgate film Abduction bombed that the studio was rethinking the project with Lautner as star but that Hasbro would make the final decision on the status of the project. Looks like that has happened. (Via Deadline)

First of all, Tay-Tay? That’s just asinine. No grown adult covering any topic should ever refer to someone as Tay-Tay unless it’s a panda baby.

As for the film, we can’t get too excited. Relativity Media is cleaning up Universal’s sloppy seconds by teaming with Hasbro to get this movie done. The good thing is that it won’t star Lautner and maybe Universal has learned a very important lesson here.

Battleship is rumored to have cost Universal $200 million to produce, and if that’s true, the producers of Water World must be celebrating right now. There should be no way in hell that a film starring Liam Neeson and Rihanna could make that kind of money back, but stranger things have happened. Either way, this is a nice moral victory.

Let’s all enjoy it for now, until Boo Boo Stewart is cast as the lead in Slinky.

No Thanks Magazine reports that Universal has hired a team of writers to write a sequel to Bruce Almighty. You know, much like they did four years ago before releasing a massive flop that lost between $2 and $37 million (not including marketing) depending on who you ask. But Jim Carrey is returning for this one so everything’s fine! Facepalm Weekly adds that this one will even ignore the plot of the second movie, which would make it a sort of partial-reboot, sequely thing, as confirmed by Sorry You Asked Digest.

The studio is in talks with the scripting team of Jarrad Paul and Andrew Mogel (“Hot Tub Time Machine,” “Yes Men”) to write a followup to the 2003 hit “Bruce Almighty.”
Project’s being developed as a starring vehice with “Bruce Almighty” star Jim Carrey in mind.
Carrey starred as TV reporter given the chance to be God for a week after complaining to God about a rival co-worker being promoted to the anchor slot.

This time around he can play a struggling screenwriter complaining to God about a studio turning down his original comedy in favor of a rehash of an idea that was kinda lame nine years ago. Then they can screen it for half price as a double feature with Austin Powers 4 at the Things We Liked in the 90s Theater. I hear Paula Cole works a greeter there, flashing her hairy pits at everyone who comes in.

[since someone asked, yes, there are also plans for a Dumb and Dumber sequel]

Pooping Maya thinks a sequel would just be wrong.

Last week, Vincent brought us the news that Universal really loves money and hates leaving well enough alone, so studio executives decided that it’s time for a Bridesmaids sequel. There’s just one little problem with Universal’s plan – Kristen Wiig is all like, “No way, Jose” because she’s working on something else. Just kidding, though, because that’s not a problem. Not to Universal anyway, because Bridesmaids 2 Bride Harder Post Coital Boogaloo will probably be made whether Wiig wants to be on board or not.

Thankfully, the original film’s surprise star, Melissa McCarthy, would like Universal to know that this is a very stupid idea, according to an article posted over at E!.

“God, I wouldn’t want to,” McCarthy told me on Saturday at the Palms Springs International Film Festival gala. “I would never want to. I think it’s a terrible idea.”

McCarthy said she doesn’t know what the studio is planning.

“I don’t (know) anything about it,” she said. “But I know that nobody wants to do it unless it’s great. If it is, I will show up wherever those ladies are.”

Seeing as Bridesmaids grossed a ridiculous $288 million worldwide on a $32 million budget, a sequel will be made despite the best efforts of McCarthy, Wiig, her writing partner Annie Mumolo, director Paul Feig, or Jon Hamm’s dreamy ass. Universal execs just shouldn’t act all surprised when the sequel tanks and people like me call it one of the Worst Movies of the Year. And you can bet your ass I’ll be shaking my fist when I do it. That’s how serious I’ll be.

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Bridesmaids earned $288 million on a $32 million budget this past year, long-overdue vindication for our decision to give women the right to vote. And when you make that much money on a comedy, people expect you to make a sequel. Hell, Mike Myers is still trying to make Austin Powers 4, and Austin Powers is older than my last three girlfriends. So what do you say, Kristin Wiig? Will we get  Meet your Fockers someday?

The mystery is why Universal has made so little progress on launching a Bridesmaids 2 — and why the star of the film is refusing to do a reprise. “We aren’t working on that,” Wiig, who co-wrote the film with Annie Mumolo, tells The Hollywood Reporter. “Annie and I aren’t planning a sequel. We are writing something else.”
With Wiig balking [my cousin went to juvie for Wiig balking -Ed.], Universal chief Ron Meyer took her to dinner in New York to see whether he could change her mind. He likely dangled an eight-figure payday before her, but the 38-year-old star held firm.

Yes, her not wanting to do a sequel is a mystery, alright. I bet when those studio execs smelled integrity, they all pointed at her and shrieked like body snatchers.

BUT WAIT! There must be a better explanation for this easily-explainable decision!

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