Mirror, mirror on the tits... I mean, wall. WALL!

Relativity’s Mirror Mirror, directed by Tarsem and starring Julia Roberts, cost approximately $85 million to make and has grossed nearly twice that thanks to a strong international showing. But here in the States, where Mirror Mirror only made $61 million, it’s considered a dud. So the pressure of this classic tale’s success now rests on the shoulders of Snow White and The Huntsman, which hits theaters on June 1.

However, Disney doesn’t really seem to care about Universal’s pending success or demise, because the House of Mouse is calling it quits on its own Snow White update, The Order of the Seven, which re-imagines Snow and the dwarves as samurais. Damn, I was hoping for unicorn cyborgs.

This film had Soairse Ronan aboard to play the lead female in a film that took place in Asia, with a samurai theme and an international cast. The project has been gestating at the studio for a decade… the picture imploded over a budget in the $150 million range or higher… (Via Deadline)

I don’t understand why this had to be a Snow White film. Why couldn’t it just be a story about a Japanese girl who is cast from her kingdom by an evil emperor, only to join up with a band of shamed or ronin samurai who train her to fight and arm her as they impossibly take on a massive army to overcome and save the kingdom and free the enslaved people?

Hold on, someone in a limousine just threw a brick with a note tied to it through my window.

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"Run awaaaaaaay!"

Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman (Transformers 1 & 2, Star Trek, Cowboys & Aliens, a million other things) get tired if they’re not attached to twelve projects a month, and after booking re-write duties on Sony’s Amazing Spider-Man sequel† (that’s the sequel to the upcoming reboot, if you’re keeping score at home), they needed something else to keep busy. I get that. But this? This is ridiculous.

Universal said the first projects in the exclusive two-year deal with Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci and their K/O Paper Products banner will be remakes of studio library titles The Mummy alongside producer Sean Daniel and writer Jon Spaihts and Van Helsing with Tom Cruise attached. [Deadline]

Is there any movie fan in the world who would read that and think, “Oh boy, remakes of Van Helsing and The Mummy!“? What’s the point of even re-making those derivative, terrible movies? Name recognition? NO ONE F*CKING LIKED VAN HELSING! How can name recognition do anything but hurt that project? You’ve basically got derivative movies with negative name recognition, wouldn’t it just be easier to write new crappy vampire and mummy movies at that point? I mean, I understand the concept of trying to make money off your back catalog (sort of…), something you already own, but when they put out these press releases, are they really expecting people to be excited about it? It’d be like if a chef walked into the dining room and announced, “Today we’ve got pigeon shit meat balls and some stuff I pulled out of the grease trap. Now who’s hungry!”

Anyone who hears “Van Helsing remake starring Tom Cruise” and thinks anything nicer than “pigeon shit meatball” is either a Scientologist or getting paid by Universal.

†Here I might point out that firing the writer before his movie has even hit theaters doesn’t speak well of what Sony thinks about the movie.

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The queen bathes in Gargoyle jizz

Universal Chief Ron Meyer won major points with me last month when he admitted that his studio had made “a lot of sh*tty movies.” And also “Wolfman and Babe 2 are two of the shittiest movies we put out. … Cowboys & Aliens wasn’t good enough. Land of the Lost was just crap.” He also said he doesn’t really like 3D. So, basically he’s got the “ability to recognize past mistakes” part down, but he sounds a lot more shaky on his ability to avoid future ones. Here’s what he said about Universal’s upcoming Snow White & the Huntsman:

Meyer said that while the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman doesn’t appear to lend itself to a sequel, Universal thinks it can do more movies based on the character of the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) if it is successful. [THR]

Now, to bring you all up to speed, a quick trip down the rabbit hole with me: Snow White and the Huntsman, roughly the twelfth movie coming out this year to assume the Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter derivative mash-up structure, is a movie about an evil queen played by Charlize Theron, who one day finds out that she’s no longer the fairest in the land, because somewhere out there, Snow White, played by Kristen Stewart, is fairer. So the queen sends out Chris Hemsworth (The Huntsman, aka Thor) to kill Snow White, only The Huntsman betrays her and instead teaches Snow White the arts of war so she can lead an armed insurrection against the queen like Joan of Arc. Yes, Kristen Stewart, the heartburn/lip-bite chick from Twilight. If Universal thinks it can make sequels based on The Huntsman, maybe they should’ve just made The Huntsman, because all that other stuff sounds pretty stupid. “It’s John McClane! Don’t you remember him? He’s the guy who put Humpty Dumpty back together again.”

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There’s a new Battleship trailer on the web, and once again Universal has failed to incorporate commenter Stallonewolf’s near-perfect tagline “Let the bodies hit D-4.” It’s sad, but we do get a more revealing look at what the aliens will look like in the $200 million board game adaptation. The answer is Boba Fett/Halo dudes with Predator mouths for hands, basically.

"E.T. PHONE AGENT."

In addition, we get to see how the red pegs of the board game will be incorporated into a movie about ocean-going aliens, since I know that was a big question on everyone’s minds. “The aliens will shoot them and make stuff ‘splode,” being the answer to that one. Still, no reveal yet of who’s going to be the one to deliver, at the climactic moment, that signature dialog “YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!” You know it’s going to happen. It has to. I can’t wait. I’m going to be so excited I’ll probably throw my coke at the screen and punch the guy next to me. “USA! USA!” I’ll shout, pouring liquid butter down my pants. That’s what the cinema is all about.

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via HollywoodReporter

Yep, an Animal House musical. That’s happening. And it was announced on the 30th anniversary of John Belushi’s death (today). I’ll tell you what, it’s really hard to inject a speedball with jazz hands.

Universal Pictures Stage Productions said Monday that it’s developing a stage musical based on its classic college comedy “National Lampoon’s Animal House.”
“Animal House: The Musical” will feature an original score by the band Barenaked Ladies, with direction and choreography by Tony Award winner Casey Nicholaw, who also directed “The Book of Mormon” and “The Drowsy Chaperone.”
Michael Mitnick will write the libretto for the stage production.
The 1978 film’s cast included John Belushi, Tom Hulce, Bruce McGill, Tim Matheson, Stephen Furst and Karen Allen. It explored how one frat house, Delta Tau Chi, made sloth and debauchery look cool. [AP]

Does anyone else get the feeling they chose Barenaked Ladies for the name only, without having listened to any of their songs? “It’s been, one week since she looked at me. Shot cocaine in my veins, and said I’m sorry.” (I’m so sorry for that). As for the style of the music for the songs in the play, my guess? Otter pop. (Again, very, very sorry).

Meanwhile, Penny Marshall reminisced about Belushi for a short piece in the Hollywood Reporter:

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