Here’s the rundown on this week’s new movies, brought to you by Rhona Mitra’s sideboob:

Inkheart
Brendan Fraser tells his kids stories and… they begin to come true! Oh man, I’ve never heard a crazy plot like that before!  How do they come up with this stuff?  But seriously, in reality, there’s not a grain of truth to most of the stories kids tell.  Trust me on this one, judge.

Revolutionary Road
Sam Mendes. Leo. Kate. I haven’t seen it.  Don’t really plan on it.  I tend to like suburban malaise movies better when the characters actually do something to break out of that malaise, like in American Beauty.  This looks like they just wallow in it.  The Academy loves that.  Gosh, what an accurate portrait of my boring life!

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
The lycans are werewolves, you see, and the vampires keep them as slaves.  The best thing about this movie is imagining the look on my grandpa’s face as I try to explain the plot to him.

There you have it folks, a good weekend to catch up on the older movies you might have missed (The Wrestler, Gran Torino, Benjamin Button… really, anything but Paul Blart.  For the love of God, do not get talked into spending money on Paul Blart.  I would rather support terrorism than Paul Blart.)

Bobby Hacker are the YouTube stars responsible for Cars aka Get Out Your F-cking Checkbook, possibly the best internet video ever made.  They recently did this promo for Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans.  It’s an amazingly accurate representation of the way I feel about half the stupid movies I have to report on.  I won’t ruin the surprise, but let’s just say it’s like a more inspired version of the dismissive wank motion. And is set to “Yackety Sax.”  *sigh*  Everything should be set to Yackety Sax.

UPDATE: A commenter says the song is actually Yackety Yak, not Yackety Sax. Is he right? Possibly. At this point, all we know for certain is that Yackety would be a good name for a Yak.

Underworld 3: The Rise of the Lycans stars Rhona Mitra (pictured, hooray for sideboob!) and Bill Nighy, and traces the centuries-old blood feud between aristocratic vampire-people known as the Death Dealers and their werewolf slaves, the Lycans.  Once upon a time in the Dark Ages, a young Lycan named Lucian rallies his werewolf brethren to rise up against a cruel vampire king known as oh god why couldn’t I have gotten a real job.

I also like how they use the same song as Max Payne.