I consider Kiefer Sutherland one of the coolest guys in Hollywood, mainly because he once told a guy with a video camera “that would explain everything,” and tackled a Christmas tree.  Which is why it pains me to report that he’s in talks to join the cast of Growl, which might be a perfect storm of all the worst things in the world.

1. First of all, the director, a former extra on Brett Ratner’s X3, is named “Sxv’Leithan Essex.” That’s right, unpronounceable AND apostrophe filled.  What, no exclamation points?  That’s not very extreme, bro.  For the record, he says it’s pronounced “skuh-lee-than.”  Though I find “f*ck yourself” really rolls off the tongue.

2. The Plot:

“In Growl, a traveling underground fight club called ‘The Brawlers’ arrive at a derelict ghost town tucked away in the Colorado Rockies. They meet the town’s only residents, the Maxilla family, who want to buy on to the fight card.  But the Maxilla family’s true intentions for the Brawler crew is soon revealed in teeth and claws.”

And by the fact that their name means “jawbone.”  Oh God, please tell me the town is named “Flowerew.”

3. The teaser poster had Phil Baroni in it. (Oddly, this may be the best thing about it).

4. With a concept as good as underground werewolf MMA fighting, you can’t just make one movie.  Oh no no no, you have to arm bar the iron while it’s still hot, or else you won’t get the sick scars, bro.

“We have the trilogy outlined, a prequel graphic novel and a videogame that sets up the events and characters in Growl 2,” Essex explains.

In conclusion, set photos of buff guys with tattoos.  (*chugs Rockstar, drives off in slammed Acura, starts telling everyone about how I’m going to “build my brand”*)

When Peter Berg signed on for Battleship, it meant Dreamworks had to find someone else to direct Real Steel.  They chose Night at the Museum director Shawn Levy for the project, which can basically be described as When Rocky Met Robot Jox.

The “Steel” story line takes place in a near future where human boxing has been outlawed, and heavy, humanoid robots slug it out in the ring instead. Into this world step a father and his estranged teenage son, who train an extraordinary fighter.

I can hear the pitch now: “See, it’s like Iron Man meets Terminator meets Fight Club, with a dash of f’ck it, let’s say Transformers.”  And keep in mind this isn’t a Japanese direct-to-DVD flick, it’s being produced by Steven Spielberg and Robert Zemeckis.  Now, please hold for a truly awful PR quote…

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In Damage, Stone Cold Steve Austin plays John Brickner, an ex-con who “beats other men into submission for money” and has “size-13 fists.”  Did I miss something?  Do gloves have numbered sizes now?  Did the writers just think a random number they pulled out of their ass sounded tougher than “extra large”?  And if so, why not size-96 fists, or size-bajillion fists?  ‘Size bajillion’ would’ve way better.  You just know people would hear that and think, “Did he say ‘size bajillion??’  I don’t know what that means, but it sounds pretty darn big!”

Anyway, I’m getting pretty bored with these underground mma fight club movies.  But you wanna know what’s never boring?  A bear playing the trumpet.  See what I mean below.
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Latino Review is reporting a scoop that Warner Independent Pictures is doing a “noir-style remake” of the Bruce Lee-classic Enter the Dragon, starring Korean pop star Rain (see also: Speed Racer, Ninja Assassin).

“The Shield” exec producer Kurt Sutter said he’s writing “Awaken the Dragon” as a contemporized drama about a lone FBI agent who pursues a rogue Shaolin monk into the bloody world of underground martial arts fight clubs.

Aw, crap.  Cam Gigandet’s going to be in this, isn’t he.

“I’m a huge noir fan, and this plot lends itself to the film I want to make,” Sutter said. “I wanted to set it in these underground fight clubs where the action is really raw and expose the brutality of Shaolin Kung fu. This will be more ‘Raging Bull’ than ‘Crouching Tiger’ in its viciousness.”

Huh.  The raw brutality of kung fu, eh?  I thought the whole kung fu mystique (at least, the mystique of actual kung fu, not the crazy wire-fighting stuff) had been broken when they started having actual martial arts fights, and the kung fu guys won approximately… never.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be wanking dismissively using only my chi.

Also, I feel I’d be remiss if I didn’t include this picture of Rain. It’s a Raingel!