I haven’t been paying much attention to Alex Cross, mainly because it’s an adaptation of a McNovel by James Patterson being directed by xXx‘s Rob Cohen and starring Tyler Perry, but I admit this latest batch of photos with Lost‘s Matthew Fox lookin’ all shredded has me slightly intrigued. My god, he looks like Mickey Rourke’s penis. Also, I can’t tell if that’s an arm or a leg he’s holding, but no way’s he’s finishing a submission that loose. Looks like you spent too much time cutting weight and not enough time on the mats, bra.

The story finds Cross on the hunt for Michael Sullivan (Fox), a ruthless assassin who murders the Washington DC detective’s wife. Sullivan, it turns out, is an MMA fighter, and Fox has transformed himself into something that would be right at home in a fantasy adventure or possibly Hurley from Lost’s nightmares.

Ooh, a ruthless, MMA-fighting assassin. I’m sure this will be full of the kind of nuance and subtlety we’ve come to expect from the director of xXx. Ten bucks says he enters the ring drinking snake blood and breaks his opponent’s neck.

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Worse than a Dutch oven.

Between Madea’s Family Reunion, Madea Goes to Jail and Madea’s Big Happy Family, Tyler Perry has grossed roughly $207 million just at the box office. That doesn’t include his other dozen or so films that have all raised somewhere between $35 and $90 million each, but it’s all the reason he needs to unleash yet another tale of the tough-talking, cross-dressing grandmother. This time, though, Madea is helping her FBI agent nephew, who needs her to keep an eye on Eugene Levy’s family, as the mob is after them, hence Madea’s Witness Protection. Go ahead, camp out for your tickets now.

So why then is the mob about to taste Madea’s pain?

For years, George Needleman (Levy), the gentle CFO of a Wall Street investment bank, has been living with his head in the clouds. His frustrated second wife, Kate (Richards), has reached her limit taking care of his senile mother, Barbara (Roberts). His teenage daughter, Cindy (Danielle Campbell), is spoiled beyond hope and his seven-year-old son, Howie (Devan Leos), wishes his father were around more. But George is finally forced to wake up when he learns that his firm, Lockwise Industries, has been operating a mob-backed Ponzi scheme – and that he’s been set up as the fall guy.

Huh? Wha? How did I get out on this building’s ledge?

Facing criminal charges and death threats from the mob, George and his entire family are put under witness protection in the safest place that Brian (Perry), a federal prosecutor from Atlanta, can think of…

His Aunt Madea’s house down South.

*repeated record scratch*

As a result, Madea and her live-in brother, Uncle Joe (Perry), find themselves managing a completely dysfunctional family from Connecticut. But as George tries to solve the mystery behind Lockwise’s finances, Madea whips the Needlemans into shape using her hilarious brand of tough love. And together, they realize they just might have what it takes to unite George’s family, outsmart the mob and change everyone’s lives for the better.

What I have a problem with is the idea of the FBI leaving an important witness and his family in the hands of a convicted felon. This is how our justice system falls apart, damn it. But perhaps the brand new trailer can give us some insight into the hilarity of Perry’s latest trip to the ATM.

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One of the symptoms of being a preachy blowhard is that whenever a big tragedy or controversy happens, you feel like you need to somehow inject yourself into the situation, or explain how the exact same thing once happened to you. See? Everyone’s really talking about me! In a post on his website entitled “Trayvon Martin, Felipe Santos, Terrance Williams – What’s Going On in Florida!!!,” Tyler Perry related an incident in which he was victimized, exactly like Trayvon Martin!

A few days before President Obama was supposed to speak at my studio [which will having nothing to do with the story I'm about to tell...], I was leaving the studio, headed to the airport.  Most times when I leave the studio I have an unmarked escort. Other times I constantly check in my rearview mirror to be sure that I’m not being followed. It’s a safety precaution that my security team taught me. As I got to an intersection, I made a left turn from the right lane and was pulled over by two police officers. I pulled the car over and put it in park. Then, I let the window down and sat in the car waiting for the officer. The officer came up to the driver’s door and said that I made an illegal turn. I said, “I signaled to get into the turning lane, then made the turn because I have to be sure I’m not being followed.” He said, “why do you think someone would be following you?”

Before I could answer him, I heard a hard banging coming from the passenger window. I had never been in this position before so I asked the officer who was at my window what was going on and why is someone banging on the window like that. He said, “let your window down, let your window down. Your windows are tinted.” As I let down the passenger window, there was another officer standing on the passenger side of the car. He said, “what is wrong with you?” The other officer said to him, “he thinks he’s being followed.” Then, the second officer said, “why do you think someone is following you? What is wrong with you?”

Before I could answer the officer on the passenger side, the one on the driver’s side had reached into the car and started pulling on the switch that turns the car on and off, saying, “put your foot on the brake, put your foot on the brake!” I was so confused as to what he was doing, or what he thought he was doing. It looked like he was trying to pull the switch out of the dashboard. I finally realized that he thought that switch was the key, so I told him that it wasn’t the key he was grabbing. I reached down into the cup holder to get the key, not realizing that the key had a black leather strap on it. As I grabbed it they both tensed up and I dropped it as I heard my mother’s voice from when I was a little boy.

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"Seriously, you're the best guy ever."

Opening Everywhere: Wanderlust, Act of Valor, Gone, Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds

FilmDrunk Suggests: Um, hello? Tyler Perry movies always, obviously.

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Madea’s Witness Protection. Oh yeah, that’s happening. Boom, you just read that.

Lionsgate has today announced plans to re-team with Tyler Perry for Madea’s Witness Protection, the 14th collaboration between the talent and the studio in seven years.

14 movies in seven years?  My gosh, makes the fact that he’s able to achieve such unbelievable depth and originality all the more impressive, doesn’t it?

Eugene Levy (American Pie, Best in Show) will star as George, a high level CFO at the center of a Ponzi scheme in New York City who is enrolled in the Witness Protection program along with his family in the one place that absolutely no one will think to look for them: Madea’s house down South.

Dorky Jewish guy plus sassy black sista, a classic comedy combo! It’s like Sinbad’s Houseguest meets Queen Latifah’s Bringing Down the House meets Big Momma’s House. Oh, and did I mention the press release includes an “official statement” from Madea herself? Because oh hell to the yeah it does. HALLELUJER! GOOD AFTERNOONT!

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