Actual Size

Via MTV:

DJ Nu-Mark confirmed that he’ll be joining the cast of the “MacGruber” movie. On Twitter. [...] In his own words:

“@djnumark: Ahh, gonna be in my first movie! Playin a DJ in the new Mac Gruber movie (from SNL)..lol. Val Kilmer is gonna take my mic from me..lol”

So there you have it. Val Kilmer: actor, outdoorsman . . . mic thief.

In fairness to Val, he may have thought the mic was an ice cream cone. (Another fat joke?  Really?  Hell yes you cheeky scofflaws.) And just to clear the air here: I’d still do him. And tweet about it.

By the way, there’s a MacGyver video inside that you should check out.  Did MacGyver own any airbrushed vans perchance?

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As a wise man named Tupac once said, “California knows how to party.”  That’s why we keep electing actors to the highest state office!  Heck, I stayed an extra year of college just so I could have Arnold Schwarzenegger’s signature on my diploma.  Anyway, the governator recently took to Twitter to make a video.  I don’t really know what the hell it’s about, but the best part is that it begins with him admiring an enormous knife.  And the knife doesn’t have anything to do with the rest of the video, he just holds it up at the beginning as if to say, “Oh, we’re making a video now?  My bad, I was just admiring my comically large knife.  As I do.”

More than anything it reminds me of the intro to Commando (after the jump) where Arnold’s just hanging out in the forest, carrying entire trees on his shoulder.  “Oh, I’m supposed to kill bad guys now?  My bad, I was just feeding a baby deer with my daughter, Alyssa Milano.”  What the hell kind of knife is that, anyway?  No way it’s a Bowie or an Army knife, it’s bigger than my forearm.  “Grrr, you can tell I’m qualified to govern because I carry a pocket knife as big as a broad sword!”  I think George W. once pulled this same stunt with a foam cowboy hat.

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Yesterday Kevin Smith took to his Twitter to give his fans and near million followers just what what they want: a graphic, disgusting mental picture of his tubby ass having sex with his wife. He tweefed (I’m trying to get “tweef” recognized as the verb form):

Ten years in and we bone like we’re cheating on each other WITH each other. A decade-plus and her clit/brown/taint-area still pOwns my dick.

To which he later added:

On a roll this week: we’ve f-cked twice a day every day since Sunday. With little fanfare I’m trying to make it a solid four weeks straight. [via Videogum]

But time out, what does “clit/brown/taint area” mean?  The slashes seem to indicate that it’s all one place.  So I ask: did Kevin Smith’s wife’s vag, taint, and butthole areas all merge into one mega orifice, the way San Diego, Santa Barbara, and L.A. became San Angeles in Demolition Man?  Does Kevin Smith’s wife have a gaping hybrid hole?  And if so, is that the secret to a happy marriage?  I guess I just don’t understand this romantic stuff.

[and yes, that's Kevin Smith's wife in Playboy. Uncensored version here.]

While writing my last post about Dance Flick earning $13 million this weekend, I naturally wondered who the hell all those people seeing it were. That’s when I came across these Twitter reactions and figured, “Hmm, maybe these deserve their own post.”  Then I thought, “Hell, why not make it a top ten list?”  And then I thought, “Look, a squirrel.”

1. montanatucker says: Okay soo idc what any1 says but I thought Dance Flick was hilarious lol
2. MIKEgUNRATEDent says: just watched dance flick djozeer is right thats one of those movies that shouldnt be paid to see.. and if you do get drunk.. im bored
3. davyana808 says: I watched dance flick yesterday, i didn’t like it -.- very retarted.
4. djozeer says: Had a good time at the movies but the movie sucked,dance flick is a movie you should Waite for until it comes out on t.v!!
5. signzofodg says: For bein pg13 dat Dance Flick sh*t pretty funny hahaa
6. fresasmiths says: watched dance flick not that funny HOPE YOUR SADNESS GOES AWAY BOYS LOVE YOU PEACE
7. pachichii says: Movie nite wit chloe. Fun! Ahaha. Movie dance flick was hela dumb! Haha. Prepare 4 scku tom! Grr. Watch choir concert
8. CryssRenee says: just saw dance flick. them waynas crazy as hell
9. momokiki says: o and by tha way i reccomend dance flick 2 an immature audiance only…and thats notta bad thing…tha movie was MAD funny!!!
10. The_Statement says: Dance Flick, officially the worst movie I’ve ever paid to see, well I aint pay lol but stilllll

It’s funny to me that even among the can’t spell, punctuate, capitalize, or complete a thought demographic, it’s still only running 30-40% recommended.  Not funny?  In the time it took you to read this, the world welcomed six new Wayanses.

A theater outside Chicago is testing a system in which comments texted in by viewers would appear on the screen while the movie is playing.

“I want a comb-over like Trump” and “Breakdance fighting is becoming more popular in UFC,” audience members heckled the movie during a screening of “Zoolander.”
The system works this way: Audience members text to a central number, which runs their comments through software. The MuVChat software then displays the texts in a three-line configuration at the bottom of the screen, like a vertical ticker, as the movie plays.
“I’ve described it as a mash-up of ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000′ and Twitter,” said Rien Heald, the inventor of MuVChat.
Heald is now developing MuVChat full time. Its allure tends to be generational, he said, adding that older viewers can be skeptical of it.
“Anybody who is in the Millennial to Gen Y demographic thinks it’s a very good idea. Texting is a big part of their lives,” said Heald, 46. “It’s those kids who really latch on to it.” [ChicagoTribune]

To simulate what this experience might be like, I’ve gone to YouTube, searched for ‘Zoolander,’ and clicked on the first video that came up.  Here’s the first batch of comments:

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