Howdy, folks, and welcome to another exciting episode of “What the hell is Sylvester Stallone talking about?”  My life has been that much better ever since Sly Stallone got a Twitter account, and my fascination continues today, as Sly writes:

“I would not be in it… It is an modern extension of the heart and philosophy . MMA too.”

Yippee, I love puzzles.  Now the question becomes, what the hell is Sly talking about?  Is it a workout video?  An energy drink?  We know the guy is given to some profound, grandiose thoughts — perhaps a book of beat poetry?  (Beatdown Poetry!  OOH WAH-AH AH-AH!).  Sorry, you’re all wrong.  But if you said “he’s discussing possibilities for a new Rocky movie,” congratulations, chug three protein shakes and head to the front of the class to collect your Affliction shirt.  This was the exchange in chronological order:

THESLYSTALLONE: “The New Rocky… Update it with a young man with modern problems ,but he would not be called Rocky, just the philosophy would be used.”

[to which fan Harasti asks]: @TheSlyStallone “will it be boxing based or mma do to it’s rapid raise in popularity?”

So there you have it.  If Stallone were to do another Rocky, it would indeed be MMA-based “do to it is rapid raise in popularity,” but it would also have heart and philosophy.  I consider this an important exchange.  I’m convinced it’s the modern-day equivalent of Lincoln’s letter to the Widow Bixby (“I humbly write to you today do to mma’s rapid raise in popularity”).  Now, while I don’t know about this Rocky business (seems like Sly was just thinking aloud), I will tell you this: I’d pay a lot of money to see the real Sly Stallone in the role of motivator.  Some of his other gems:

“The hardest fights I ever have are against myself, and the battles still rage on. Guess what I am implying?”

“If you sometime wake up feeling like a stranger to yourself,like we all do, get reacquainted, you may really learn something new. Push it…”

“Morning world, are we ready to own this day or have it own us?! Racehorse or Plowhorse ?”

YOU HAVE TO GRAB LIFE BY THE THROAT AND SQUEEZE BEFORE IT GRABS YOU BY YOUR NECK AND BREAKS IT. OWN YOUR DESTINY.”

NOW DROP YOUR SOCKS AND GRAB YOUR C*CKS, SCUMBAG!  THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF! NOW FEEL THE BURN, OOH-RAH!  Hell yeah, I’d follow that guy into battle.  He’s like R. Lee Ermey meets Tony Robbins, but more Zen.

UPDATE: Stallone later clarifies that he was only kidding about the Rocky sequel thing, but I’m still dead serious about his Twitter being one of the best things ever. KEEP PUNCHING.

Dammit, Sly!  What’s with all the starf*ckery? Who is this impostor desperate for attention from D-list celebutards like Kim Kardashian?  What happened to that existential buffoon we came to know and love?  “And then I realized, it wasn’t a bag I was punching, but the fear of my own mortality…”

…Okay, better.  Closer.  Warmer…

…AAAAND WE’RE BACK!  Oh thank God.  This is the greatest thing to happen to the internet since amputee porn.

If you don’t think Twitter is an amazing invention, you aren’t following David Lynch.  Honestly, nothing I can say can do this story justice.  You’ll just have to watch the video to understand. Watch it here.

UPDATE: It’s official…

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     Actual Size

Via MTV:

DJ Nu-Mark confirmed that he’ll be joining the cast of the “MacGruber” movie. On Twitter. [...] In his own words:

“@djnumark: Ahh, gonna be in my first movie! Playin a DJ in the new Mac Gruber movie (from SNL)..lol. Val Kilmer is gonna take my mic from me..lol”

So there you have it. Val Kilmer: actor, outdoorsman . . . mic thief.

In fairness to Val, he may have thought the mic was an ice cream cone. (Another fat joke?  Really?  Hell yes you cheeky scofflaws.) And just to clear the air here: I’d still do him. And tweet about it.

By the way, there’s a MacGyver video inside that you should check out.  Did MacGyver own any airbrushed vans perchance?

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As a wise man named Tupac once said, “California knows how to party.”  That’s why we keep electing actors to the highest state office!  Heck, I stayed an extra year of college just so I could have Arnold Schwarzenegger’s signature on my diploma.  Anyway, the governator recently took to Twitter to make a video.  I don’t really know what the hell it’s about, but the best part is that it begins with him admiring an enormous knife.  And the knife doesn’t have anything to do with the rest of the video, he just holds it up at the beginning as if to say, “Oh, we’re making a video now?  My bad, I was just admiring my comically large knife.  As I do.”

More than anything it reminds me of the intro to Commando (after the jump) where Arnold’s just hanging out in the forest, carrying entire trees on his shoulder.  “Oh, I’m supposed to kill bad guys now?  My bad, I was just feeding a baby deer with my daughter, Alyssa Milano.”  What the hell kind of knife is that, anyway?  No way it’s a Bowie or an Army knife, it’s bigger than my forearm.  “Grrr, you can tell I’m qualified to govern because I carry a pocket knife as big as a broad sword!”  I think George W. once pulled this same stunt with a foam cowboy hat.

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