Pictured: Edward Cullen, I assume.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 opened at midnight last night and pulled in $30.3 million, proving once again that people absolutely eat this crap up with a soup spoon. The $30 million figure is in line with the midnight screening of the last Twilight, Eclipse, and slightly ahead of New Moon’s $26 million. In other news, Stephanie Meyer just bought a gold-plated helicopter, which she won’t even use. She just thought her other helicopter looked lonely.

Look, here’s the thing: good. If there’s a movie, or series of movies, that you really enjoy, more power to you. See it at midnight, see it three times opening weekend, buy the poster, buy the Blu-Ray, go to an event where the cast will sign your cape or whatever vampire stuff you have, write on a message board about it, etc. Go sick. Don’t let cynical jerks like me who have never seen it and think it’s incredibly stupid detract from your enjoyment of it in any way. Just because I think it’s ridiculous that $30 million worth of people stood in line outside a movie theater at 11pm on a cold November night to see a melodramatic movie about vampires and premarital sex doesn’t mean it IS ridiculous. You like what you like, and you are perfectly entitled to enjoy it without interference from me. Vaya con dios.

Unless of course you are going to see Jack and Jill, in which case you will be placed under citizen’s arrest in the most violent manner possible and waterboarded in the theater using your own 32oz jug of Mountain Dew. That’s just a matter of principle.

As always, I’m a sucker for anything Muppets, and as we wait patiently for The Muppets to hit theaters, we’re lucky to have a fun marketing campaign treating us with parody posters. The latest set are Twilight spoofs with Kermit playing the role of Vamphibian, Miss Piggy as Bella Swine (which is really damn funny, unless your inner child is dead) and Rowlf as WereRowlf. If you think about it, Miss Piggy really is the perfect Twihard, too.

The new posters join the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo spoof poster that we got a kick out of, as well as the standard posters that just remind us how awesome the Muppets are. Not to mention the trailer and most recent clip that introduces the new Muppet, Walter, too. I think the only way that Disney could ruin all of this Muppets marketing is if Statler and Waldorf turned out to be Penn State boosters.

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Chances are if you live in a major city, you’ve noticed small groups of young girls and desperate middle-aged women gathering near your local cineplex, and yes, your worst nightmares have come true – another Twilight movie is upon us. Twihards have been lining up at theaters as early as this past weekend so they wouldn’t miss the Thursday debut of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. That’s right, it’s a vampire love story so true that they broke it in two.

Last night, the saga’s stars showed up at the Nokia Theater in Los Angeles for the film’s premiere, and the fans were in full force there as well. In fact, here’s a sampling of actual quotes from the women – and men – of all ages who traveled from all over the country to wave insane-looking signs in the air at last night’s event:

“Rob turn this way, I’m throwing kisses at you.”

“I am literally going to die when Kristen Stewart walks by here.”

“Put your camera on me. I want to show my parents I am not at school this week.”

And my favorite:

“Oh my God, there is Robert Pattinson. Oh wait. Nope it is not him. It’s only Cody Simpson.”

But words can do no justice to the Twihardery that went down last night in L.A., so after the jump I’ve got the stars, the celebrity guests (including the Ghosts of Teen Stardom Past) and the fans. Oh my Lord, wait til you see the fans.

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OH ADWERD. AM SO WAIT FOR DAY YEW SAX ME! MAH BALLY IZ IN CRUMBLES.

We’ve seen a teaser, a teaser for the trailer, a trailer, and now this, the first clip from Twilight: Breaking Dawn, part one of Stephenie Meyers’ world famous Snorkels the Vampire Fetus saga. In this installment, Edward and Bella return from their wedding and flirt, as foreplay for their bed-breaking, feats-of-strength-filled, supernatural abstinence sex. Are you excited??? SO AM I!! Let’s just get straight to the clip and the captions, because god dammit, these retarded Mormon vampire sex clips are like Christmas for me.

AH NOW PRONOUNZ YEW MR. AND MRS. BALLA!

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(Click to enlarge. If you dare.)

This Week in Posters: Twilight, The Muppets, horrible Brett Ratner posters, when diagonals attack, PLUS — VAMPIRE DOG!

This Poster: Holy hell, that is the gayest Mervyn’s ad I’ve ever seen. Ever noticed how these movies are creepy for all the wrong reasons? Like, you can tell they’re going for goth-vampire creepy, but really they’re just dinner-with-conservative-relatives creepy? I was scrolled all the way to the right on my screen, thinking Fruitcake Cullen over there trying to look hard in a purple scarf (to say nothing of the Anne Taylor sweater and wallet chain) was the gayest thing I’d ever seen. But then I scrolled back to the left and saw Kellen Lutz looking gayer than I could even believe. “Hey, Bro, does my see-through sweater match my big leather wrist cuff?”

You know how some 50s sci-fi movies are cool because they’re this antiquated idea of what the future would be like? Twilight is kind of like that, but more like “hip goth” as filtered through this dowdy Midwestern woman.  Also, I don’t know which Hollywood costume designer I can talk to about this, but being comically overaccessorized does not make you more important. I think this is somehow Johnny Depp’s fault.

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