The post is dated from November, so apparently I’m a little late to the party on this one, but I don’t care. Someone has re-enacted the plot of Twilight: New Moon in its entirety using Lol Cats. I try not to post old stuff, but this is Twilight ridicule AND cat pictures we’re talking here. They go together like Diora Baird’s breasts and carne asada fries, or sunshine and blow jobs and hippies falling off their bikes. Here’s a small excerpt, and seriously this made my whole week:
(It was all a Three’s Company-esque misunderstanding.)
Powered by adolescent fantasy and whipped cream straight from the dispenser, Twilight Saga: New Moon had one of the biggest, fattest opening weekends of all time.
*puts down thesaurus, whistles innocently*
No doubt benefiting from a “Twilight bump”, number two The Blind Side made $34.5 million, because as everyone knows, if the sparkly vegetarian vampires are sold out, the next best thing is Sandra Bullock teaching a black kid to pass block. Blind Side‘s opening would’ve been good enough for number one on most weekends, and actually set the record for “highest-grossing sports drama opening” of all time. Tough luck, Coach Carter, we’re going to have to forget you ever existed again.
(She wants to be a stupid lamb.)
According to Nikki Finke, Twilight Saga: New Moon‘s opening-day numbers are bigger than Dark Knight and Harry Potter. To put it in layman’s terms, that’s pretty big.
Rival studios are telling me this morning that Summit Entertainment’s New Moon debuted with $23M-$24M in 12:01AM screenings. That would set a new midnight opening record, smashing The Dark Knight‘s $18.4M set on July 18, 2008, and Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince‘s $22.2M set on July 15, 2009. Summit has yet to release an official number for the Twilight sequel’s midnight debut in 3,514 theaters.
The Dark Knight eventually went on to gross $1,001,921,825 (that’s a little more than a billion dollars if you hate commas) and Harry Potter earned $929,226,389. For New Moon to put up these kind of opening-night numbers is huge, and you know these are the type of fans who’ll show up more than once. It’s not like they’re busy going out on dates. It just goes to show the buying power of tween girls. Let’s hope they never develop the attendant upper-body strength.
(“Take me, you greasy ethnic beast! Of course, if anyone finds out I’ll have to say it was rape.”)
Did anyone here think Twilight Saga: New Moon was going to be good? Of course not. The best thing you could say was that there’s less Cam Gigandet in this one. But realistic expectations aren’t the point, the point is to bathe in the delicious, delicious hate. Ahh, it feels so good in my gills.
“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” takes the tepid achievement of “Twilight” (1988), guts it, and leaves it for undead [That's wordplay, motherf-cker! Ebert represent! -Ed.]. You know you’re in trouble with a sequel when the word of mouth advises you to see the first movie twice instead. Obviously the characters all have. Long opening stretches of this film make utterly no sense unless you walk in knowing the first film, and hopefully both Stephanie Meyer novels, by heart. Edward and Bella spend murky moments glowering at each other and thinking, So, here we are again.
Bella: So…you’re a werewolf?
Jake: Last time I checked.
Bella: “Can’t you find a way to…just stop?
Jake (patiently): “It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella.” -Roger Ebert
(INVIZIBL SUB SANDWICH)
Many critics are already calling New Moon the giant wolfyest of the Twilight franchise, but director Chris Weitz (who, incidentally, is John Huston’s grandson) recently told MovieMaker Magazine that his next project will be his last. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the banshee wail of irrational teenage girls that drove him to retirement.
As Weitz explains, his frustration with the industry has boiled over, mostly because of the studio interference that occurred during post-production on Golden Compass. “I wanted that to be my masterpiece,” admits Weitz. “Unfortunately, the edit was taken from me and whatever chance I had at that was also taken from me, which is kind of sad.”
“You know, it sounds ridiculous, but I’d really like to be a better surfer,” laughs the director. “I’d like to learn to speak Spanish fluently; I’d like to travel around, live in Italy; I’d like to learn kung fu… It’s nice to make movies, but it’s also really hard.” [via FilmSchoolRejects]
What? You’re on top of the world and now you want to quit? That doesn’t sound like the Chris Weitz I know. Wait a second… Surfing… kung fu… I think I see what’s going on here.
(*tears mask off Chris Weitz’s face!*):
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