[via Screen Junkies]

MORNING LINKS
Mitt Romney saw Twilight with his wife
|Film Drunk|

Joe Sinclito (AKA Joe King) returns with more of his movie pitches. Joe King? Joking…ohhhhhhhh. |Frotcast|

Saw this picture of David Hasselhoff trying to slide across the hood of KITT dressed like Captain Hook on TheSuperficial, and I thought it could use a little Photoshop. Seemed like a good idea at the time. – Vince

The 10 Most Confusing Sexy Chloë Sevigny GIFs |UPROXX|

‘SNL’ Recap: Jeremy Renner And Maroon 5 |Warming Glow|

Orlando Magic Cheerleader Falls, Gets Wrapped In Plastic By Nerdy ABC
News Troll |With Leather|

Remembering Better Times: 10 Pictures That Prove George Lucas Used To Be
One Cool Dude |Gamma Squad|

The Five Marvel NOW! Books We Can’t Wait To Read |Smoking Section|

A.J. Green Is Good At Awesome Touchdown Catches |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Darwin’s exceptions |theChive|

Robert Pattinson Really Hates “Twilight,” A Supercut |Buzzfeed|

The 33 Hottest Olga Kurylenko Pictures of All Time |Ranker|

7 Things You Didn’t Know About Sign Language |Mental Floss|

And Here’s Kim Kardashian At The Marine Corps Ball That She Left In The
Middle of Dinner |The Superficial|

This Test Answer Is Technically Right… |HuffPost Comedy|

Wait, Does This Book Club TV Show Sound Good Or Bad? |Videogum|

If Your Dad Wrote TV Titles |College Humor|

Dumb Ways to Die |Holy Taco|

The ten most evil monkeys in pop culture. Missing from the list: Grodd
|Fark|

Jon Bon Jovi’s Daughter’s Drug Charges Were Dropped Because She Overdosed
On Drugs |IDLYITW|

Summer Glau Is Here To Kiss Your Twinkie Pain Away |Pajiba|

Granny Panties Overdub |Clip Nation|

Deadpool and Boba Fett Do Disney World |Unreality|

Craigslist Heroes: Bro In Chicago Really, Really Wants a Girlfriend Only
for the Holidays |Brobible|

The Impact of Twitter on Journalism |High Definite|

NOMINATE for Comments of the Week. FOLLOW Vince on Twitter.
FAN US on Facebook. SUBSCRIBE to the Frotcast.

The post is dated from November, so apparently I’m a little late to the party on this one, but I don’t care.  Someone has re-enacted the plot of Twilight: New Moon in its entirety using Lol Cats.  I try not to post old stuff, but this is Twilight ridicule AND cat pictures we’re talking here.  They go together like Diora Baird’s breasts and carne asada fries, or sunshine and blow jobs and hippies falling off their bikes.  Here’s a small excerpt, and seriously this made my whole week:

Read the rest of this entry »

(It was all a Three’s Company-esque misunderstanding.)

Powered by adolescent fantasy and whipped cream straight from the dispenser, Twilight Saga: New Moon had one of the biggest, fattest opening weekends of all time.

• Fattest opening day: $72.7 million
• Heaviest total from midnight showings: $26.3 million
• Most obese opening weekend of 2009: $140.7 million
• Third-most porcine opening weekend of all time behind The Dark Knight ($158.411 million) and Spider-Man 2 ($151.116)

*puts down thesaurus, whistles innocently*
No doubt benefiting from a “Twilight bump”, number two The Blind Side made $34.5 million, because as everyone knows, if the sparkly vegetarian vampires are sold out, the next best thing is Sandra Bullock teaching a black kid to pass block. Blind Side‘s opening would’ve been good enough for number one on most weekends, and actually set the record for “highest-grossing sports drama opening” of all time.  Tough luck, Coach Carter, we’re going to have to forget you ever existed again.

Read the rest of this entry »

(She wants to be a stupid lamb.)

According to Nikki Finke, Twilight Saga: New Moon‘s opening-day numbers are bigger than Dark Knight and Harry Potter.  To put it in layman’s terms, that’s pretty big.

Rival studios are telling me this morning that Summit Entertainment’s New Moon debuted with $23M-$24M in 12:01AM screenings. That would set a new midnight opening record, smashing The Dark Knight‘s $18.4M set on July 18, 2008, and Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince‘s $22.2M set on July 15, 2009. Summit has yet to release an official number for the Twilight sequel’s midnight debut in 3,514 theaters.

The Dark Knight eventually went on to gross $1,001,921,825 (that’s a little more than a billion dollars if you hate commas) and Harry Potter earned $929,226,389.  For New Moon to put up these kind of opening-night numbers is huge, and you know these are the type of fans who’ll show up more than once.  It’s not like they’re busy going out on dates.  It just goes to show the buying power of tween girls.  Let’s hope they never develop the attendant upper-body strength.

(“Take me, you greasy ethnic beast!  Of course, if anyone finds out I’ll have to say it was rape.”)

Did anyone here think Twilight Saga: New Moon was going to be good?  Of course not.  The best thing you could say was that there’s less Cam Gigandet in this one.  But realistic expectations aren’t the point, the point is to bathe in the delicious, delicious hate.  Ahh, it feels so good in my gills.

“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” takes the tepid achievement of “Twilight” (1988), guts it, and leaves it for undead [That's wordplay, motherf-cker!  Ebert represent! -Ed.]. You know you’re in trouble with a sequel when the word of mouth advises you to see the first movie twice instead.  Obviously the characters all have. Long opening stretches of this film make utterly no sense unless you walk in knowing the first film, and hopefully both Stephanie Meyer novels, by heart. Edward and Bella spend murky moments glowering at each other and thinking, So, here we are again.

Bella: So…you’re a werewolf?
Jake: Last time I checked.
Bella: “Can’t you find a way to…just stop?
Jake (patiently): “It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella.” -Roger Ebert

Read the rest of this entry »