A 20-year-old from Missouri is in jail after confessing that he’d been planning to shoot up a theater showing The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 over the weekend. Blaec Lammers (above, with the righteous goat and sick star tat) was arrested at a hamburger joint after his mom tipped off police in Bolivar, MO, that he’d gone off his meds and she thought he was planning an Aurora-style shooting. It’s a good thing she did, but let’s not minimize her culpability in this. She was after all the one who named him “Blaec Lammers.” Civilization starts to break down when you can’t spell your own kid’s name.

Bolivar police have released a probable-cause statement that details the unlikely events.

According to the release, Lammers’ mother contacted authorities Thursday, expressing concern about her son’s possible plans. Soon, an officer approached Lammers at a hamburger restaurant and he was taken into custody.

“Blaec Lammers and I then began talking about recent shootings that have been in the news. Blaec Lammers stated that he had a lot in common with the people that have been involved in those shootings. Blaec Lammers state that he was quiet, kind of a loner, had recently purchased firearms and didn’t tell anybody about it, and had homicidal thoughts. Blaec Lammers further stated that he had purchased the firearms with the intentions of shooting up the movie theater in Bolivar.”

Lammers apparently had bought a ticket to a Twilight screening on Sunday, but worried that he’d run out of ammunition and decided to shoot up a Walmart instead.

“Blaec Lammers stated he would walk into the store and just start shooting people at random and if he ran out of ammunition (he said he purchased 400 rounds) he would just break the glass where the ammunition is being stored and get some more and keep shooting until the police arrived. Blaec Lammers stated he would then turn himself into police when they arrived.”

Talk about free advertising for Walmart. “And if it turned into a hostage situation, we could survive for weeks on the bargain basement groceries!”

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In a recent interview on Australia’s Kyle and Jackie O Show, which sounds and looks like a bad Mad TV sketch, the hosts asked Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 star Robert Pattinson a variety of questions that came from fans on Twitter. And he absolutely must have loved that, with his backwards hat and patchy beard, because his reaction just screamed, “This is why I love acting, answering Twitter questions.” Among the hard-hitting questions asked:

“What was your favorite scene from the Twilight films?”
“What’s a movie that makes you cry?” (He replied Marley & Me to that one and the hosts were all like, “ARGH NO!” and “OI MATE, ME TOO!” respectively.)
“What’s your embarrassing Starbucks order?” (Jackie O* asks if it’s a chai tea latte, to which I ask, the f*ck’s wrong with a chai tea latte?)

And so on and so forth, but the payday question was “What was the hardest scene to film in the Twilight series?” and Pattinson’s first answer was the child birth scene, which makes sense because that would involve Kristen Stewart making facial expressions, and we all know how that goes. But he also mentioned the sex scene in the upcoming Breaking Dawn Part 2, because vampire sex has to be intense and rough, but it’s only a PG13 film.

Story of my life, bro.

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After some kind of extended, viral marketing Easter Egg hunt that had fans trying to piece it together like a jigsaw puzzle, the final poster for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 – ostensibly the final Twilight movie – is finally online. Once again, I can’t hide my fascination with this phenomenon. Is that a vampire wearing… equestrian pants and a… double-breasted peacoat? Who knew vampires had the same stylist as the Jonas Brothers? You know how people are fascinated by steam punk and sci-fi stuff from the Eisenhower era, because it’s like this vision of the future as envisioned by people from the past? Twilight is kind of like that – an edgy, goth fairytale as envisioned by the blandest Mormon housewife in Blandsville, Mormon town, where everything is sparkling white, especially the bread. “And her name was ‘Beautiful Swan,’ and she always wore the hippest boots, like a modern-day Shania Twain, and everyone loved her, even the most dangerous vaguely-ethnic type in a tawdry v-neck…  “

HALP, BALLA! TEH OTHER VAMPAHRS DON’T LAIK TEH BEBBE RENAZMEH! OTHER VAMPAHRS JALLUS. YEW GO GED LLAMA AND RUN THREW SNOW. BUT PUD ON YER COAT, TEH SNOW GIVE COLDZ.

Also, have you noticed that their faces are practically identical? The wolves are easier to tell apart. Here, I made a composite image:

IT’S THE SAME FACE WITH DIFFERENT HAIR! HOW DID THEY EVEN DO THAT?! In conclusion, this movie is going to be awesome because this:

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"And that's me in a broom closet with the director of 'Jumper'."

In case you’re a functioning member of society and not an illiterate teenage girl, you might have missed the MTV Video Music Awards last night, as the network that once routinely played music videos remains locked in a limbo of painful irony. At some point between Chris Brown fans butchering the English language in celebration of his award for Best Autotuned Woman Beater and Dwight Howard pretending he’s a huge celebrity, MTV unleashed a brand new 90-second trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (Holy Sh*t Is This Over Yet).

The trailer promises fans the “epic finale” as we watch Bella get used to her new vampire powers by f*cking up nature, while Taylor Lautner shows up and is like, “Shirt? Never heard of it. ABS!” But then some vampire lady is all like, “Their baby is a crime” and the vampire police come to break up the Cullen party. And I’m sure it all looks so fantastic to Twilight fans, especially that part where Edward is like, “You know what vampires hate? Kung fu.”

But I noticed it was a little light on something. Great job by the producers to almost completely refrain from showing any connection between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Regardless, I’ve got $10 that says these two are sucking face on the red carpet for this film’s premiere, because if Rihanna can kiss Chris Brown at the VMAs, then love can make anything possible.

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That poor guy on the right is the Mormonest-looking dude the trench coat mafia ever recruited

As I’m sure you’re aware by now, finding a new batch of Twilight publicity stills in my email inbox is as close to Christmas morning as it gets around here. Summit just sent over about eight new stills from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (including one of author Stephenie Meyer!), which opens November 16th, and I did my best to add context to them like always, but keep in mind, I’ve only seen bits and pieces of a couple of the Twilight movies on cable. NOTE: I’m NEVER GOING TO STOP MAKING PETER FACINELLI/MIKE DEXTER JOKES, DO YOU HEAR ME? NEVER!

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