It has been less than 24 hours since I first saw Sports Illustrated’s Jimmy Traina Tweet the infamous video of the disappointed Twilight fan, but it has already gone from 301 to 229,609 views. That’s how you do viral, people. It either takes a person crazy enough to be that insane over an actress cheating on her actor boyfriend or someone brilliant enough to fake it. Either way, the Internet went bananas yesterday over the revelation that Kristen Stewart had cheated on Robert Pattinson with her Snow White and the Hunstman director, Rupert Sanders.

Plenty of Twilight fans are outraged that the kingdom of PattiStew could ever be corrupted, but most of them just can’t believe that Bella could cheat on Edward with a muggle. Wait, am I getting these terms right? Whatever. So despite the revelation by US Weekly and People, and the fact that Stewart and Sanders both issued apologies through their PR teams, the majority of Twihards or Twihearts believe that this is a massive conspiracy. (UPDATE: Pack his bags, he’s outta here, K-Stew don’t love him and K-Stew don’t care.)

But it all starts with one heartbroken fan…

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The trailer for Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, aka The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part One, the first half of the last chapter in Stephenie Meyer’s story of abs and abstinence, landed online late last night. To recap, in this one, Edward, the 100-year-old vampire, finally marries his high school sweetheart, Bella, who he’s been saving himself for, because her heartburn face and white girl scent drives him crazy. So crazy that he doesn’t trust himself to control his bloodlust or boner shame. But now that they’re married, he can finally show her his sparkling vampire penis, which is brighter than the surface of the sun, like a flesh dagger made of glitter diamonds. They go to Brazil for their honeymoon, and after a long day of vampire snorkeling, they commence with the hymen breaking (the ‘Dawn’ of the title being a metaphor for Bella’s hymen, I assume). There’s only one problem: Edward’s vampirility is too strong for Bella’s mortal vagina-womb. His vampire sperm immediately chomps down on Bella’s innocent white eggs and she becomes impregnated. Impregnated with a super vampire baby that kicks so hard in utero that it severs Bella’s spine. Edward gives Bella a vampire teeth C-section to save her from his evil sperm baby, and it turns out the baby is telepathic for some reason and has the mind of an adult. That’s when the ethnic werewolf guy falls in love with it, because a lady with a baby’s vagina is every man’s dream. After that… well, after that, the story gets a little ridiculous.

You can watch the trailer below. I took the liberty of adding my own captions on the following pages.

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HALP ME, EDWURD. DARE SOMEFIN WRONGZ WIFF DA BEBBE. *lip bite*

The full trailer for Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, aka The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One is scheduled to hit tomorrow afternoon, and since this is a franchise that inspires people to make felt fetuses and ice-cold dildos, of course the trailer has its own trailer. I’ll be honest, given that the story is about how Edward smashes the marital bed with his 100-years-of-pent-up-abstinence-vampire thrusting, and impregnates Bella with a telepathic fetus with the brain of an adult who severs her spine (presumably with HIS pre-natal thrusting), and who the ethnic-temptation wolf then falls in love with (as ethnic types are wont to do with sparkling white babies), I’m fairly moist with anticipation myself.

After the jump, I’ve got your trailer trailer, along with a very scientific, analytic analysis and breakdown of relevant issues.

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Yesterday, the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Facebook page offered Twilight fans a special Valentine’s Day treat –  (to cats) GATHER AROUND, MY PRETTIES, I HAVE EXCITING NEWS — a new picture from the set!  It’s probably the most exciting ever to happen to a Twilight fan on Valentine’s Day.  The picture shows the Isle Esme (you can tell it’s tropical because of the 10 tropical plants awkwardly planted in the foreground), which, if you’ll remember, is the Brazilian snorkel island the Cullens own where Bella Swan and her sparkly vampire husband go on their honeymoon, first to snorkel and eventually to consummate their love.  Because it’s so much sexier when you wait, Edward’s super-powered vampire penis knocks Bella unconscious and he destroys the headboard with his inhuman thrusting (previous set pictures show her clutching feathers from her ruined bed and closing her eyes to keep from being blinded by his ultra-bright sparkling vampire genitals).  But in so doing, he fills her womb with the telepathic half-vampire fetus (“Reneesme”) that will eventually sever Bella’s spine and need to be removed via vampire-teeth c-section.  Whereupon Jacob the shirtless, ethnic temptation wolf will fall in love with it (these damned ethnic types, you can’t keep ‘em from trying to bang your sparkling white babies).

Phew, you guys catch all that?  Sorry, I just didn’t want you to fall behind and start asking stupid questions when it comes out in the theater, like “HURRRR, why is the werewolf trying to bang the vampire fetus?”  I mean everyone knows that.

The original plan for the two-part, Bill Condon-directed, final chapter of the Twilight Saga, Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, was to film in Brazil, the setting of Edward and Bella’s honeymoon in the book.  But after a situation in a Rio hotel over the weekend in which criminals took 35 hostages, mostly foreign tourists, the Twilight crew is getting cold feet. (“Your feet are pale white and ice cold…”).  Twilight star Kristen Stewart was said to be so anxious over the news that all she could do was bite her bottom lip and look constipated.

The real-life drama Saturday of drug gang members taking 35 people hostage in Rio’s Intercontinental Hotel as they tried to escape police has proved scarier to the production crew than the fictional vampires and werewolves they deal with. [*slide whistle*]
After a blazing firefight that killed one person and wounded six others, the gang surrendered. There were 1,550 people in the hotel at the time. About 40 percent were foreigners, though none of them was hurt
Riofilme, the city’s agency for promoting movie production, told AFP that “Twilight”‘s US production company Summit Entertainment was in talks with Rio de Janeiro state officials who were trying to convince them to stay.  The potential loss of “Breaking Dawn” and the one million dollars it was expected to inject into Rio’s economy was despairing [sic] for many in the city. [AFP]

BUT WHERE WILL YOU FILM THE VAMPIRES SNORKELING??  I DEMAND REALISM!

Next summer… a vampire bites a fetus out of the womb and a werewolf tries to f*ck it.