What the hell is this, you ask?  Why, it’s a Twilight-fan-made representation of BELLA’S WOMB, made of felt, of course. Complete with “an actual felted mutant fetus inside.” You might not think it looks much like a uterus, but keep in mind that Twilight author Stephenie Meyer is Mormon, and Mormons believe babies hatch from eggs that Jesus lays. White babies, anyway.

[via journalfen, via Cinematical]

This story is like a bad joke where you keep getting sidetracked before the punchline. I apologize in advance. Here goes:

1. MTV has awarded female Twilight fans the “Woman of the Year Award.”  …There’s so much wrong with that sentence let alone the story behind it that I’m not even going to begin.  There isn’t enough whiskey in the house.

2. They then asked fans to film their acceptance speeches.  The above is one of them.  I. Could not. Stop. Watching it. Halfway through, my brain tried to gnaw through my face to escape.

3. Here are some of the comments about the above video:

WHOO-HOO Bailey!!!! love you girl!!!

omg…i love her! she is hilarious!

Bailey, you’re so funny! You’re so right!! We all know who that Man of the Year should have been!

Haha not really that convincing but nice try anyway. Still, let us applaud her performance. I certainly had a good laugh at this :)

gahh.. i hate fans like this..they make the rest of the twilight fans look as crazy as they do!!! not all the fans are like this that make stupid videos. twilight fans are being sterotyped as crazy obsessed.. stupid!

Lmao, for the comment below, if you’d go on her channel, you’d know that this is her act. She drew on the eyeliner and smeared it, and also told someone to call in like that in the middle. She’s hilarious. And she’s one of the most “normal” and informative Twilight fans out there.

oh okay got ya, comment below. she seemed like a crazy fan for real..

Lmao. That was totally awesome haha. :-D

LMAO! She’s so funny!

Dear Congress: EMERGENCY ACTION REQUIRED. WE’VE RUN OUT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS.

4.  FilmDrunk is awarding its Singular Entity of the Year Award to YOU! That’s right, you the person reading this!  We couldn’t have done whatever it is we do without you, you extra special precious person!  Hooray!  Bask in the glow, you mouth-breathing trained seal you!  Clap your flippers together and have a herring!

Hey, remember that Twilight riot at Hot Topic last week?  Well Tyra Banks invited three of the girls who’d been turned away at the event on her show and surprised them with Twilight memorabilia presented in person by stars Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner (note to parents of boys: ‘Taylor’ is the fruitiest name ever).  But since this is Tyra Banks, and Tyra Banks is the worst person in the world, instead of just giving them the memorabilia, she made them compete for it.  In a pie-eating contest.

“I still can’t believe they are making you guys do this,” Pattinson said as the pie-eating wore on. “Oh, geez!”

Two of the girls tied. 18-year-old Tiffany Kuhne won a tiebreaker by precisely guessing the combined weight of the co-stars: 320 pounds. [That's about a buck sixty each for all you math majors out there (I used a calculator)]

Kuhne was blindfolded and led outside to discover that the “memorabilia” she’d won was the Volvo that Pattinson’s character drives in the movie, which opened Friday. [Yahoo]

To recap, a Twilight fan won a Volvo in a pie-eating contest.  Jesus Christ, do these girls not realize they’re being made fun of?  Why not just have a loneliness contest?  Winner gets a vibrator and a house full of cats.  “Congratulations. You’ll need these,” Pattinson would say.

^{A guy who wishes he’d had sons}

Look, if you’re feeling at all homicidal this morning, just stop reading now because this isn’t going to help any.  The gist of the story is that when Stephenie Meyer was writing Dawson’s Crypt, she chose Forks, Washington as the setting, even though she’d never been there, because it happened to be the rainiest city in the lower 48.  The town of 3,000 has since become the epicenter of the new Idiot Tourism industry.

Sydney Conway and two of her teenage friends, on a school holiday, got into a minivan and drove four hours — to stare at the nondescript brick building that is Forks High School. There’s a weathered wooden sign announcing it as “the home of the Spartans,” but otherwise it looks like most other high schools in the country.

Sydney, Alexis Miller and Rebekah Hamilton got out of their van, stood in front of the school — oblivious to the cool mist that was frizzing their hair and chilling their pedicured, flip-flopped feet — and screamed, “Twilight!”

Ugh, I’m nauseous.  And I’m getting that yearning feeling in my fists.  But wait! It gets worse!

Read the rest of this entry »

^{Breaking news: Twilight fan cleans her house}

By this point it’s fairly well-established that Twilight (aka Dawson’s Crypt), Stephenie Meyer’s vampire abstinence parable, is popular among undersexed housewives.  Leading up to the release of her most recent book, Meyer asked that Twilight message boards be shut down to keep from posting spoilers.  And then, well, I’ll let MTV explain it:

Suddenly blessed with several weeks of “Twilight”-free chatter, the TMs [Twilight Moms] decided it was time to clean house, quite literally. Participants snapped “Before” photos of their sloppy homes, then got to work washing their “Team Edward” sweatshirts, cleaning up after the kids, and dusting off all the neglected non-“Twilight” novels on their bookshelves. Once the TwilightMoms forums re-opened, they posted their “After” pictures.

Wow, talk about shattering stereotypes.  All this time I thought Twilight fans were burly truckdrivers. Come to find out, many are actually bored housewives mentally stuck in pre-adolescence.  Says indignant commenter ShellieBear: