I saw this on Tumblr over the weekend and thought it deserved a post, for obvious reasons. If you remember the Edward Cullen/Robert Pattinson “R-Pant” panties from a few years back, you know it’s not the first Twilight-inspired gear designed to put vampires near your bloody vag. And if you remember the felt Bella uterus, you know it’s nowhere near the craziest. In fact, I admire both the cheekiness of this one as well as the utter generic blandness of it. Why does a product inspired by a sparkly twink like Edward suddenly look like a tanned Dan Cortese with Bonnie Rait hair and a cummerbund? Oh, who cares! Look how happy he is to receive your sloughings! Aim for the bare chest!

It seems the original Etsy post is from 2009, and the original description is way worse than the one above:

“An extra long version of the Goddess pad, measuring at a whopping 16 inches long it’s surely to be the only pad you’ll need for your heaviest overnight flows or after childbirth.”

16-inches long?! Jeez, did you give birth or did a vampire chew the baby out with his teeth? Yeesh. 16-inches. That’s almost three subway sandwiches worth, no wonder Kirk Cameron is scared of them. I’m not sure I’d ever use the word “whopping” to sell anything designed for your vag. You know, unless the target audience is your mom, of course.

[source]

Yes, Fifty Shades of Grey now makes up the top FOUR spots on the best-seller list. I could handle three spots, but FOUR?! THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW, EARTH!

Apparently having the top three titles on USA TODAY’s Best-Selling Books list for seven straight weeks isn’t enough for E.L. James.
This week, the queen of erotica has the top four titles for the first time.
Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed are again Nos. 1, 2 and 3. The Fifty Shades Trilogy Bundle, all three books in a paperback boxed set (also available in e-book form), moves to No. 4 from No. 10.
The trilogy follows the erotic relationship between a college graduate and her billionaire entrepreneur boyfriend. It has sold 15 million copies in all formats. [USAToday]

Want your mind blown? Go check out Fifty Shades of Grey‘s Wikipedia page, where you’ll learn that it started out as Twilight fan-fiction written under the name “Snowqueen’s Icedragon.” Furreal. My mind needed a cigarette after I read that. In related news, Burnsy and I are thinking of publishing some of our erotic Frat-Fic under the name “Bropeen’s Iceluge.” Not to be a tease, but the Edward Fortyhands scene is so f*cking sexy, bros, you will puke.

Anyway, deride it as “mommy porn” all you want, literary bad boy Bret Easton Ellis has already expressed interest in writing the movie adaptation. Has the author of American Psycho offered to adapt YOUR fan fiction? Yeah, I thought not. Suck these jean jackets, haters.

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This morning, I posted the first picture from Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2, featuring Bella and Edward’s telepathic, half-vampire baby, Renesmee. At the time I opined, “how many cats out there are named Renesmee? I bet it’s a lot.” This prompted reader Garrett to send me the following KOMO news story from 2010, and OH MY F*CKING GOD, YOU GUYS. I don’t want to get hyperbolic, but this story is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

REXBURG, Idaho – A Rexburg woman says one of her cats recently attacked her and tried to kill her, sending her and her husband to the hospital.
The Ostermiller family says their cat was completely normal until three days after it gave birth to kittens. But it soon became defensive, and the family says it tried to kill them.
It began last week on Tuesday at about 5:30 a.m. The Ostermillers were sleeping when they heard a sound.
“All I heard was rrwwwrrrr hisss,” Jackie Ostermiller said.
Jackie woke up and saw her cat, Renesmee, (named after the Twilight character) panicking. Jackie thinks a male cat had wandered by outside the home and Renesmee was protecting her kittens.

IT WAS PROBABLY A WEREWOLF! YOU KNOW THOSE DIRTY ETHNIC WEREWOLVES GO CRAZY FOR FRESH WHITE KITTEN MEAT!

Jackie went to grab her cat to stop her from bolting out a hole in the screen door. That’s when the kitty made its move.
“I was being mauled literally for the kill. She had got a hold of my nose first, my face first, my arms – I was literally screaming,” she said.
Jackie’s husband, Blaine, was able to pry the attacking feline off.

You can tell that she’s a Stephenie Meyer reader by her vivid imagery and extensive vocabulary. She really paints a picture. “The cat was going ‘raaawwwwr.’ She was literally going crazy. She was so crazy, it was scary.”

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Chances are if you live in a major city, you’ve noticed small groups of young girls and desperate middle-aged women gathering near your local cineplex, and yes, your worst nightmares have come true – another Twilight movie is upon us. Twihards have been lining up at theaters as early as this past weekend so they wouldn’t miss the Thursday debut of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. That’s right, it’s a vampire love story so true that they broke it in two.

Last night, the saga’s stars showed up at the Nokia Theater in Los Angeles for the film’s premiere, and the fans were in full force there as well. In fact, here’s a sampling of actual quotes from the women – and men – of all ages who traveled from all over the country to wave insane-looking signs in the air at last night’s event:

“Rob turn this way, I’m throwing kisses at you.”

“I am literally going to die when Kristen Stewart walks by here.”

“Put your camera on me. I want to show my parents I am not at school this week.”

And my favorite:

“Oh my God, there is Robert Pattinson. Oh wait. Nope it is not him. It’s only Cody Simpson.”

But words can do no justice to the Twihardery that went down last night in L.A., so after the jump I’ve got the stars, the celebrity guests (including the Ghosts of Teen Stardom Past) and the fans. Oh my Lord, wait til you see the fans.

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(That guy supports Team Jacob.  That’s Taylor Lautner’s father, right?  Please tell me it is.)

Videogum has a whole gallery of pictures from the Twilight: New Moon premiere, so you can just go there if you want to see them all.  I’m only picking a few of my favorites, but clearly this represented a cross section of America’s finest.  Like this guy.  He likes America, sleeveless shirts, and vampires that sparkle. I think that was a Bob Seger song.  Or this girl, the one behind the girl in the front.  She wants to be “a stupid lamb.”  Or possibly a stupid lamp, it isn’t entirely clear.  Regardless, it’s good to have ambitions.  Then there’s these girls, who support the Cullen diet, while standing behind a lady who doesn’t seem to support any diets.  Diversity is beautiful.  Meanwhile, the girl in the front right is enjoying her one day of the month outside. Anyway, I just thought you guys should enjoy some of these photos, because a lot of good cats went hungry for this.