Chances are if you live in a major city, you’ve noticed small groups of young girls and desperate middle-aged women gathering near your local cineplex, and yes, your worst nightmares have come true – another Twilight movie is upon us. Twihards have been lining up at theaters as early as this past weekend so they wouldn’t miss the Thursday debut of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. That’s right, it’s a vampire love story so true that they broke it in two.

Last night, the saga’s stars showed up at the Nokia Theater in Los Angeles for the film’s premiere, and the fans were in full force there as well. In fact, here’s a sampling of actual quotes from the women – and men – of all ages who traveled from all over the country to wave insane-looking signs in the air at last night’s event:

“Rob turn this way, I’m throwing kisses at you.”

“I am literally going to die when Kristen Stewart walks by here.”

“Put your camera on me. I want to show my parents I am not at school this week.”

And my favorite:

“Oh my God, there is Robert Pattinson. Oh wait. Nope it is not him. It’s only Cody Simpson.”

But words can do no justice to the Twihardery that went down last night in L.A., so after the jump I’ve got the stars, the celebrity guests (including the Ghosts of Teen Stardom Past) and the fans. Oh my Lord, wait til you see the fans.

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(That guy supports Team Jacob.  That’s Taylor Lautner’s father, right?  Please tell me it is.)

Videogum has a whole gallery of pictures from the Twilight: New Moon premiere, so you can just go there if you want to see them all.  I’m only picking a few of my favorites, but clearly this represented a cross section of America’s finest.  Like this guy.  He likes America, sleeveless shirts, and vampires that sparkle. I think that was a Bob Seger song.  Or this girl, the one behind the girl in the front.  She wants to be “a stupid lamb.”  Or possibly a stupid lamp, it isn’t entirely clear.  Regardless, it’s good to have ambitions.  Then there’s these girls, who support the Cullen diet, while standing behind a lady who doesn’t seem to support any diets.  Diversity is beautiful.  Meanwhile, the girl in the front right is enjoying her one day of the month outside. Anyway, I just thought you guys should enjoy some of these photos, because a lot of good cats went hungry for this.

^{Felt Bella wombs? I’ll take two.}

After 30 Days of Night director David Slade was announced as the director for the third Twilight movie, /Film uncovered some comments from his since-deleted Twitter account in which he’d discussed the possibility of seeing Twilight…

“Twilight drunk? No, not even drunk. Twilight on acid? No, not even on acid? Twilight at gun point? Just shoot me.”

…Which the Twihards naturally weren’t too happy about.  A sampling of responses:

Lola says: “I’d be happy to do the last thing he asked.”

Water Lily says: “I didn’t like those comments, they are embarrasing to the project. Kinda like you kissed a boy and then found out he told every one the week before that you had bad breath.” [editor's note: clearly a hypothetical, given the source]

Joan says: “i vote summit fires this guy b/4 they lose tons of money and make tens of thousands of girls vry vry angry.”

Which brings us to today, and Slade furiously apologizing to Twilight fans, because as we all know, hell hath no fury like a delusional cat lady scorned.  Slade’s PR flack Slade writes:

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We all know Twilight fans can build up quite an appetite stabbing people, getting Twilight tattoos, and making models of Bella’s uterus. Luckily for them, now when they need a burst of quick energy, they can turn to these tasty, synergylicious special-edition Sweethearts candies called “Forbidden Fruits.” [Editor's Note: I know, right?].  The hearts are glittery and feature Twilight-related phrases such as “LAMB,” “SOUL MATE,” “BITE ME,” “TRUST ME,” and “DAZZLE,” with flavors Orange Obsession, Tempting Apple, Secret Strawberry, and Passion Fruit. What, no Anal Doesn’t Count Chocolate? And for the adult who has to buy these for their kid, Convenient Cyanide.

I want to eat these candies really f*cking bad… but I wonder… maybe they’re tastier if I don’t?

[via Cinematical]

^{A trampstamp about an abstinence parable… oh the delicious irony.  Delicious, retarded irony.}

In other news I can’t believe is real, Twilight fans (“Twihards”) are being blamed for a series of violent attacks on Twilight haters (“antis”).  As discovered by io9, Urban Dictionary even has an entry for Twihard, which includes 10 signs you might be a Twihard, including…

10. Whenever you hear “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne, you can’t help but replacing the words with “Edward is a Virgin”

I would rather read my own positive STD test results than that sentence again.  In any case, these attacks on antis supposedly include bat beatings, brick throwings, flare gun attacks, jumpings, acid throwings and more.  Take the stories with a few grains of salt because they mostly come from a Twilight Sucks message board, and in fact I have a hard time believing they’re not someone’s idea of a joke.  Nevertheless, it’s a pretty good one.  Sample attack story:

At lunch today every single girl at the table is talking about Twilight. I try to tell them about the crazed fan girl attacks that have been going on lately (which is making me dislike the series more and more). One of the girls actually tried to talk some sense into ME! She tried to explain that the Fan girls were just angry.
And I said, “If people who don’t like Twilight get on obsessed fan girls nerves that much Twilight should be destroyed!” Some of the girls at my table understood. Some got really pissed. One of the girls marched off steaming. I thought I had made my point. But of course in Algebra I went to go sharpen my pencil, and that girl who marched off was in my class. She came up behind me and tried to slit my throat with a shank! She screamed “How dare you say Twilight should be destroyed!” Now, I had to do something. So I took my pencil out of the sharpener and stabbed her in the side (thank god i had already sharpened my pencil or she wouldn’t have felt the stab). She lost concentration for a second or two, so she could look at the pencil sticking out of her. Without such a strong grasp, i was able to break free. By now students were restraining her as she kicked and screamed.

Yeah… I don’t believe that’s real for a second, but kudos to whoever wrote it.  Good stuff.  In related news, I used to be a Twihard back when I played roller hockey, but I kept swipping and fawing down. :-(