OH ADWERD. AM SO WAIT FOR DAY YEW SAX ME! MAH BALLY IZ IN CRUMBLES.

We’ve seen a teaser, a teaser for the trailer, a trailer, and now this, the first clip from Twilight: Breaking Dawn, part one of Stephenie Meyers’ world famous Snorkels the Vampire Fetus saga. In this installment, Edward and Bella return from their wedding and flirt, as foreplay for their bed-breaking, feats-of-strength-filled, supernatural abstinence sex. Are you excited??? SO AM I!! Let’s just get straight to the clip and the captions, because god dammit, these retarded Mormon vampire sex clips are like Christmas for me.

AH NOW PRONOUNZ YEW MR. AND MRS. BALLA!

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The trailer for Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, aka The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part One, the first half of the last chapter in Stephenie Meyer’s story of abs and abstinence, landed online late last night. To recap, in this one, Edward, the 100-year-old vampire, finally marries his high school sweetheart, Bella, who he’s been saving himself for, because her heartburn face and white girl scent drives him crazy. So crazy that he doesn’t trust himself to control his bloodlust or boner shame. But now that they’re married, he can finally show her his sparkling vampire penis, which is brighter than the surface of the sun, like a flesh dagger made of glitter diamonds. They go to Brazil for their honeymoon, and after a long day of vampire snorkeling, they commence with the hymen breaking (the ‘Dawn’ of the title being a metaphor for Bella’s hymen, I assume). There’s only one problem: Edward’s vampirility is too strong for Bella’s mortal vagina-womb. His vampire sperm immediately chomps down on Bella’s innocent white eggs and she becomes impregnated. Impregnated with a super vampire baby that kicks so hard in utero that it severs Bella’s spine. Edward gives Bella a vampire teeth C-section to save her from his evil sperm baby, and it turns out the baby is telepathic for some reason and has the mind of an adult. That’s when the ethnic werewolf guy falls in love with it, because a lady with a baby’s vagina is every man’s dream. After that… well, after that, the story gets a little ridiculous.

You can watch the trailer below. I took the liberty of adding my own captions on the following pages.

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HALP ME, EDWURD. DARE SOMEFIN WRONGZ WIFF DA BEBBE. *lip bite*

The full trailer for Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, aka The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One is scheduled to hit tomorrow afternoon, and since this is a franchise that inspires people to make felt fetuses and ice-cold dildos, of course the trailer has its own trailer. I’ll be honest, given that the story is about how Edward smashes the marital bed with his 100-years-of-pent-up-abstinence-vampire thrusting, and impregnates Bella with a telepathic fetus with the brain of an adult who severs her spine (presumably with HIS pre-natal thrusting), and who the ethnic-temptation wolf then falls in love with (as ethnic types are wont to do with sparkling white babies), I’m fairly moist with anticipation myself.

After the jump, I’ve got your trailer trailer, along with a very scientific, analytic analysis and breakdown of relevant issues.

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