“Hey, God’s laughing at us!”

If you ask me, there’s no greater way of branding a movie a failure than by including it in the annual FilmDrunk Worst Movies feature, but some more traditional people believe that the Razzies are actually the ultimate decider of cinematic disgust and scorn. Either way, it’s no secret that Hollywood produces some incredibly horrible movies each year, and many of them come from repeat offenders. Thankfully, the Razzies keep track of these miscreants and their horrible films so that we can hurl figurative feces in their direction each February.

The one glaring difference between my Worst Movies feature and the Razzies, though, is that while I have sworn to exclude Happy Madison films out of fairness to the other movies that were legitimately terrible, the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation thrives in its contempt for all things Adam Sandler. Sandler’s not alone, though, as the Razzies committee has quite a few recurring targets, and this year’s nominations are hardly going to shock you.

[Vince's Note: I hate the Razzies. The most impressive thing about the Razzies is that they've been around since 1981 and have yet to make a single interesting or ballsy nomination. I might respect them if I thought they actually watched a lot of movies and voted for their worst, but instead they just choose the movies that are most socially acceptable to hate and hope someone in the cast will show up to their dopey ceremony. What's the point?]

Read the rest of this entry »

I will never get tired of this gif.

Damn near every new movie outkicked their coverage this weekend, even the

Rise of the Guardians opened to a poor $24.03 million over the three-day weekend, which added up to a $32.6 million five-day start. That’s way less than The Muppets ($41.5 million) last year or Tangled ($68.7 million) two years ago. More importantly, though, the movie’s five-day start is lower than any three-day opening for a DreamWorks Animation movie since 2006′s Flushed Away.

The movie’s audience was 57 percent female and 53 percent under the age of 25. They largely rejected 3D showings, as that format only accounted for 35 percent of the movie’s box office. [BoxOfficeMojo]

By comparison, 3D accounted 68 percent of Life of Pi‘s box office. It just goes to show, Tiger Jesus beats Santa Claus every time.

Read the rest of this entry »

It really didn’t take much reading between the lines to discover that Robert Pattinson secretly hates Twilight, and now, thanks to the magic of the supercut, we have a mountain of evidence in one, handy-dandy video. It’s totally relevant, because just as someone sent it to me, I was reading a Hollywood Reporter piece on all the Twilight actors describing Twilight. Most of them do the usual full-of-sh*t actor thing, but see if you can detect the difference between Pattinson and the rest:

Kristen Stewart: “I do find that the reason it’s really sparked and caught and really spread is because it’s such a vivacious experience,” the actress says. “It’s rare.” “We’d just be creating phenomenons every day if we had the equation for [what makes Twilight so successful].”

Jackson Rathbone: “It’s the duality, I think,” says Rathbone of Meyer’s success. “Within The Host she has this character that’s of two minds and throughout the entire Twilight Saga, you’ve got a girl that’s in love with two guys. It’s interesting, that duality in human nature.”

If you need to make up some artsy-sounding nonsense, “duality” is always a good option.

Robert Pattinson: “She’s very personal in her writing to the point where it almost feels too personal.”

There you have it, Robert Pattinson is the only sane one.

[Supercut via Blame It On The Voices]

Read the rest of this entry »

Okay, I can see how that might be depressing.

I don’t want to make light of a man’s death if he doesn’t deserve it, but in the abstract, this story about a homeless man drinking himself to death during Twilight is almost comically dark. This is like a real-life noir novella:

A 23-year-old quietly drank himself to death after sneaking into a screening of Twilight: Eclipse in Wellington.
Damian Anthony Smythe’s death was “a sad and tragic loss of life of a person so young”, Wellington [New Zealand] coroner Ian Smith said.
Mr Smythe was described in the coroner’s report as an unemployed man with no fixed abode.
CCTV footage of Mr Smythe showed on July 4 2010 [don't ask me why they're only reporting this now...] he snuck in to a 6pm screening of the vampire movie at Reading Cinema on Courtenay Place without paying for a ticket. He was alone at the time.
A woman who sat behind Mr Smythe said she had seen him drink at least half a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label whiskey straight before slumping forward in his seat and snoring.
About five minutes before the movie ended, he fell silent.
He was found by cleaners who thought he was drunk and asleep, but was cold and blue in the face.
He had an empty one-litre bottle of whiskey beside him.
Ambulance staff were called and police alerted after it was clear Mr Smythe was dead.
Police records showed Mr Smythe was a transient person and was known to be an alcoholic with a police record of stealing from businesses and trespass.
Toxicology reports revealed no evidence of drugs but found a blood alcohol level of 569 milligrams per 100 millilitres of blood. [for a BAC of .569. You may recall that Professor X, aka Alexander Broughton, the Tennessee buttchugger from Pike, had a BAC "well over .40"] [Stuff.Co.NZ]

Jesus, man, that story was so dark Rorschach from Watchmen could’ve written it. But yeah, I can see how being a homeless dude from a broken home watching a bunch of perfect whitebread yuppies whine about their relationship problems from the comfort of their inexplicably palatial crate and barrel catalog homes while never working could drive a person to drink himself to death. Well, that, and living in New Zealand.

Mitt Romney’s 51 – 48 loss in last week’s election could have been even worse if the American people had known that the guy constantly chiding Obama for looking weak was the same guy letting his wife drag him to a screening of Twilight over the weekend, where these blurry pictures were taken. Politics aside, what a pussy-whipped eunuch.

Last night, Mitt and Ann Romney were spotted at a movie theater in Del Mar, California— near their La Jolla beach home we’re guessing. They managed to go out without a bodyguard or anything, though they weren’t able to escape the watchful eye of a TMZ photog.

I’m guessing the Del Mar Highlands theater, I used to work at the Starbucks right next door. Remind me to tell you about it some time, it’s a really boring story.

The Romneys went out for pizza, and everyone said Romney was totally cool and posed for pictures with people. Romney has copped to loving the Twilight series before. He picked up the books on a recommendation from his granddaughter, and he told the TODAY show: “I thought it was fun.”

There’s a Mormon connection there, too. The author of the book series Stephenie Meyer is a member, and some have noted that LDS imagery and influence runs deep in the series. (The series’ heroine Bella avoids coffee, tea, alcohol and tobacco.) [not to mention premarital sex and ethnic temptation.] [LAist]

Nothing against Mormons or Republicans, but if you’re a 65-year-old gazillionaire whose idea of a good time is going to see Twilight on opening weekend with your wife, you should probably just kill yourself, because you’re already dead. “Ooh, skinless grilled chicken breast again? Thank you, wife, this looks very satisfactory.”

You just know he goes home and DVRs Two and a Half Men and laughs his ass off. The reason Caroline in the City lasted four seasons? You guessed it, Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney saw Wild Hogs in the theater six times, true story. Mitt Romney orders undressed green salad with extra frisee.