I’ve gotten 10 or 11 Twilight New Moon-related parody videos in the last 12 hours, so if you sent me one, I’m sorry, it was probably really funny, but I’m swamped like your mom’s crotch. This one, however, really stood out from the pack. It comes from Black20 and it’s just a series of well-executed editing tricks, plus some gross-out gags, like blood vomiting and Skeet Ulrich Stephen Dorff (*shudder*). Just watch it. +10 for sneaking in a Lost Boys clip.
(She wants to be a stupid lamb.)
According to Nikki Finke, Twilight Saga: New Moon’s opening-day numbers are bigger than Dark Knight and Harry Potter. To put it in layman’s terms, that’s pretty big.
Rival studios are telling me this morning that Summit Entertainment’s New Moon debuted with $23M-$24M in 12:01AM screenings. That would set a new midnight opening record, smashing The Dark Knight’s $18.4M set on July 18, 2008, and Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince’s $22.2M set on July 15, 2009. Summit has yet to release an official number for the Twilight sequel’s midnight debut in 3,514 theaters.
The Dark Knight eventually went on to gross $1,001,921,825 (that’s a little more than a billion dollars if you hate commas) and Harry Potter earned $929,226,389. For New Moon to put up these kind of opening-night numbers is huge, and you know these are the type of fans who’ll show up more than once. It’s not like they’re busy going out on dates. It just goes to show the buying power of tween girls. Let’s hope they never develop the attendant upper-body strength.
Thanks to the magic of the internet, we have this screen shot from a Robert Pattinson fan site and the ads Google chose to accompany it, which all deal with sex offenders. Cute. But, logically, would sex offenders really be looking for other sex offenders? I don’t think they party like that. …From what I’ve heard. In fact, as far as target audience goes, I think cat products would’ve been a better sell. Oh, and as for the site name, “spunk-ransom“, that apparently came from an interview in which Robert Pattinson said he hated his name, and if he could choose a new one, it’d be “Spunk Ransom.” Uh, does that mean the same thing in British? Because in American that means holding another man’s jizz. Or the price you’d pay for a another man’s jizz. Not that there’s, uh, anything wrong with that. Read the rest of this entry »
(”Take me, you greasy ethnic beast! Of course, if anyone finds out I’ll have to say it was rape.”)
Did anyone here think Twilight Saga: New Moon was going to be good? Of course not. The best thing you could say was that there’s less Cam Gigandet in this one. But realistic expectations aren’t the point, the point is to bathe in the delicious, delicious hate. Ahh, it feels so good in my gills.
“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” takes the tepid achievement of “Twilight” (1988), guts it, and leaves it for undead [That's wordplay, motherf-cker! Ebert represent! -Ed.]. You know you’re in trouble with a sequel when the word of mouth advises you to see the first movie twice instead. Obviously the characters all have. Long opening stretches of this film make utterly no sense unless you walk in knowing the first film, and hopefully both Stephanie Meyer novels, by heart. Edward and Bella spend murky moments glowering at each other and thinking, So, here we are again.
Bella: So…you’re a werewolf?
Jake: Last time I checked.
Bella: “Can’t you find a way to…just stop?
Jake (patiently): “It’s not a lifestyle choice, Bella.” -Roger Ebert
(”Aw, but he does, honey. You just have to hold the turkey baster up to the sunlight.”)
Remember how Forks, Washington became a tourist attraction because Twilight was set there? Well now the same thing is happening to Volterra, Italy, a setting of New Moon. The Volturi scenes in the movie were actually shot in Montepulciano, but these are fans of an abstinent, vegetarian vampire we’re talking here.
On a college break, American teenager Kiersten Kunke and her friend, Canadian Stephanie Regier, plot their version of an Italian Grand Tour. On their must-see list: Florence, Venice, Rome — and Volterra?
This small Tuscan city with an ancient Etruscan history has become a cult destination among traveling teenagers and people in their 20s (not to mention some vampire-loving mothers), thanks to Twilight.
Kunke, 19, found Volterra on a map as soon as she read New Moon. “I was like, I have to go there,” says the native of Portland, Ore. “It was just one of those things I had to do.” [Like the freshman 15. -Ed.]
The only English speakers in a group of Italian Twilight fans, Kunke and Regier giggle and snap photos in Volterra’s narrow alleys, trying to scare each other. “Omigod, is that a bat?” Kunke says.
Riolo leads the tour into a dark building, where they walk down a clammy staircase. Waiting at the bottom: two cloaked men and a small woman, all deathly pale. “The Volturi!” Regier gasps.
The vampires walk silently among the tourists, pulling “victims” up on a stone table. The girls huddle closer together. “This is creepy,” Kunke whispers — before a vampire grabs Regier. As he attempts to bite her, she dissolves into laughter.
After the tableau, the tour-goers relive their New Moon moments over drinks. Turns out that the actors who played the Volturi are members of Compagnia della Fortezza — a theater troupe of convicts named after Volterra’s Medici-era fortress-turned-prison. [USAToday]
Man, how awesome would it be if one of these chicks obsessed with chaste, sparkling white, pussy-whipped vampires ended up getting raped by a real-life Italian convict? Aw crap, did I just wish rape on someone? I promised my shrink I’d try to do that less this week.
[picture source: Buzzfeed]
