[I put them side by side, but you can see the gif version at Geekologie]

Getting a tattoo of a celebrity or pop culture character is one of the best ideas a person could have, and I’d urge anyone within the sound of my voice to go get one, if you’ve been considering it even a little. You won’t regret it. Though, over the weekend I was in Fresno, and I saw a girl with an angel wing back tattoo that had guns inside the wings, which seemed pretty cool too (true story). Anyway, the tat in the banner picture (it’s a before and after) comes to us by way of our friends at Geekologie, so we’ll let them tell the story:

Per reader Kylie:

OK, so this guy I used to know recently made a deal with his friend that they would choose each other’s tattoos and they would each get theirs while being blindfolded. He took his blindfold off to see this — Edward, from Twilight! Yikes! So later he had it covered up with RUFIOOOO!

RU-FI-YOOOOOO! We miss you, Rufio. I only pray that this isn’t the last time I get to use my “DANTE BASCO” tag.

And I hope that guy wasn’t surprised when he woke up the first time. A true fan would know Edward Cullen’s face by feel alone.

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In case you forgot, Twilight is still a thing, there’s still another movie coming out (Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2, opening November 16th, from director Bill Condon, who, yes, has won an Academy Award for writing), and it’s still such a big deal that they release teasers for the trailer (yes, a trailer for a trailer, basically). This is that teaser. Let me see if I can sum up:

REMAMBER WHEN ADWURD BITE YEW, BALLA? NOW YEW ARE VAMPAHR TOO. HALP ME, BALLA! DON’T LAT LLAMA STEAL OUR SAX BEBE!

Will Edward still love Bella now that her vagina has gone cold? It’s like a metaphor for marriage.

FUN FACT: This YouTube video has almost three million views.

I AM YER HOSE BEND, BALLA. AH LUV YEW WITH ALL MAH VAMPAHR HART. PLEASE ME TO SAX YEW.

The accused with her alleged lover

A 31-year-old 9th grade English teacher in Hemet, California (Riverside County is the Florida of California) has been accused of having illicit sex with a 17-year-old student, a relationship that allegedly began when she told him he looked like Twilight star Taylor Lautner. My sources say the boy tried to hide the romance, but failed on account of being a horrible, horrible actor.

A Hemet High school student told police his teacher seduced him and had sex with him in her locked classroom, according to a search warrant.

Yeah, I bet it’s real hard to “seduce” a 17-year-old male. You have to be all coy and suave, and say things like “Hey, kid! Free pussy!”

The student told a district employee about the relationship, who notified sheriff’s deputies the night of Feb. 29.
Deputies arrested Ramirez the next day at the Hemet Unified School District offices. She was released on $100,000 bond and has not been charged.
The student was Ramirez’s teacher’s aide during his sophomore and junior years. He said the sexual relationship began when he was 16. On the last day of class his sophomore year, he said, Ramirez told him he looked like actor Taylor Lautner from the “Twilight” movies. She then hugged and kissed him, according to the search warrant.
The boy returned as her teacher’s aide during his junior year. He said Ramirez would often compliment his looks and began talking to him more.
The student said he asked her for help on a school essay last fall. When they were alone in the classroom working on the essay, she kissed him again. The teen said he began making out with Ramirez and she began fondling him. The next day, the boy returned to the classroom to print the essay. He said Ramirez kissed him as he was leaving and guided him to her chair where she performed a sex act.

Ooh la la, she “performed a sex act,” did she? They make blowjobs sound so fancy!

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"C'mon, Edward, just touch it. Seriously, quit messing around."

In a shock to no one, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 has been selling like hotcakes (also my nickname for RPattz) since being released on DVD this Saturday. To the tune of three million plus copies. That sound you heard is Stephanie Meyer’s yacht pulling up to the dock to pick up her second yacht, which she is going to tow around behind the first yacht in case it gets dirty. Then she’ll just sink that one and switch. She really hates dust.

“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 DVD is, unsurprisingly, flying off the shelves. After the film was released to disc at midnight Saturday morning, it reportedly sold 3.2 million discs over the course of two days.

But, that’s not all: The flick also snagged 50,000 downloads and 80,000 video-on-demand transactions during the two-day period when the sales were tracked, according to The Hollywood Reporter. The numbers make “Breaking Dawn” the top-selling release so far this year. It bows at #1 on the Nielsen VideoScan First Alert overall disc sales chart, followed by “Lady and the Tramp” and “A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas.” [MTV]

Whoawhoawhoa. Hold on one minute. You’re telling me that the next two top-selling DVDs of 2012 are the Harold and Kumar Christmas movie and a re-release of an animated movie from 1955? Holy Lord. [Editor's Note: I saw Harold and Kumar. It wasn't that bad.] I take back everything I’ve ever said about the film industry’s sky-is-falling claims being full of crap*. The industry is in SHAMBLES. Someone go pull SOPA out of the shredder, paste it together like a piece of evidence, and put that sucker to a vote**. Just bring this blockquote with you to the hearing***. It’ll pass unanimously****.

*No I don’t.
**Don’t do this.
***This either.
****No it won’t.

Image via Summit Entertainment

"Sparkles."

One of the perks of being a famous actor AND having a number of fancy graduate degrees is that you get to write essays about movies for the Paris Review (named for a city Franco himself once dicknosed!). James Franco recently took on Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part One (a film Franco once expressed interest in appearing in) for the fancy-pants periodical, and he did it in what I must say is most Armond White-ian fashion. He compared Twilight side by side with Alexander Payne’s The Descendants, much like Armond did with Kick-Ass and Lady Gaga’s Telephone (or Arthur and Your Highness). Okay, fine, so the parallel review is a classic device. I just wanted to connect Professor Dicknose with the Trollmaster General somehow. It seemed apt.

The movies are in many ways very different [you don't say!]. But both use sex as a submerged theme while on the surface promoting a wholesome idea of family values; both seem to devalue motherhood; and both deal with characters who are so financially secure that they are almost impossible to identify with. The Descendants is a much better film, but that is because it is not hampered by the precedent of an extremely successful book, a rabid fan base, and a studio that is out for green (so much so that they are willing to split the product into two films, even if it means stretching the material thin to the point of vapidity).

Saying something “devalues motherhood” seems abstract and not particularly useful to me, but I did sort of feel the same way about the financial component in The Descendants, where half the plot was George Clooney, playing the heir to a massive real estate trust in Hawaii, trying to decide what to do with his kingly fiefdom. And his eventual decision wasn’t exactly populist. Meanwhile, I haven’t seen Twilight, but it doesn’t seem like you’d have to stretch the material to achieve vapidity.

[on Twilight] The protagonists finally marry, having waited until the wise old age of eighteen, and since the book and the film dutifully show them being wed, they are then allowed to f*ck each others’ brains out. For a film that claims to be sexually responsible, the “Twilight” movies are awfully dependent on teenage sex to attract viewers. The actors prance about like pieces of meat, their disturbingly developed bodies on full display; Taylor Lautner’s rippling teenage chest is just a little better than the child beauty-pageant stars at the end of Little Miss Sunshine. The fans have divided themselves into teams (Team Jacob and Team Edward) and, considering that they already know the outcome of the love triangle between Bella, Edward, and Jacob, the choice of a team can mean little more than—well, you can imagine. [ParisReview]

What can we imagine? That they want to bang the dude of the team they root for? Jeez, for a guy who films dong-flopping gay basketball films and once sat in the room while a male prostitute earned his fare, he sure seems demure all of a sudden. I think it’s interesting that just putting on the film critic hat is enough to make even James Franco seem like kind of a prig. I was kind of hoping that he’d dicknose the entire profession. It’s what we’ve come to expect.