What movie is your Twilight? That’s the question the 5-Second Films gang set out to answer with their latest Uproxx Video. As you can see, there’s a weird dude who looks like me whose Twilight is Freddy Got Fingered. Weird, right? And Frotcast favorite Joe Sinclitico, his Twilight is He-Man: Masters of the Universe. What’s yours? Hopefully not Twilight.

MORNING LINKS
A Guide to Recognizing Your Oscar-Winning Coke Wizards |Film Drunk|

It’s Conspiracy Time with Jason Dove |Frotcast|

Last reminder about Vince’s show… ok, maybe one more, but don’t forget to get your tickets. |Events|

Stone-Faced Russian World Traveler Takes The Most Gruff Selfies Ever |UPROXX|

Nick Offerman And Megan Mullally Performed ‘Smell Yo Dick’ By Riskay, Seem Like A Fun Couple |Warming Glow|

Here’s The Worst Hooters Robbery In History
|With Leather|

‘Injustice: Gods Among Us’ Makes With A Whole Bunch Of Superhero Fights |Gamma Squad|

The 20 Greatest Comeback Rap Songs |Smoking Section|

Lookin’ Good, Desmond Bryant |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

The 37 Sexiest Rashida Jones Photos of All Time |Ranker|

So you didn’t win your Oscar pool, take some FLBP as consolation |theChive|

9 Houses Built Just For Spite |Mental Floss|

The Oscars: Snubs & Surprises |Film.com|

Harvey Weinstein Hired an Obama Campaign Vet to Try to Get Silver Linings an Oscar |Vulture|

The 33 Best Oscar Reaction Shots |NextMovie|

Vintage Photobomb Will Creep You Out |HuffPost Comedy|

Anne Hathaway’s Nipples Didn’t Win An Award |IDLYITW|

Just How Old are the Actors Who Play High Schoolers? |College Humor|

The Grouchies Awards 2013! |Screen Junkies|

The Craziest Lil Wayne Rants |Giant Life|

Dear Comedy, Just So You Know, You Are Allowed To Apologize |Videogum|

13 Instances When It’s Perfectly Okay To Use The C-Word |Pajiba|

Gwyneth Paltrow Hangs Upside Down In Cocoons |The Superficial|

British Teens Attempt to Explain the NFL, and Something Has Been Lost in Translation |Brobible|

The Star Wars Family Tree |Unreality|

Miley Cyrus – Party In The U.S.A (Yeah Lamb Edition) |High Definite|

NOMINATE for Comments of the Week. FOLLOW Vince on Twitter.
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[via Vulture]

MORNING LINKS
JJ Abrams to direct Star Wars VII |Film Drunk|

Frotcast 136: Tarantino Stories with Justin Halpern, Killer Joe |Frotcast|

Vince will be doing some comedy next week for SF Sketchfest and next month at the Hollywood Improv.

Won’t parents teach their children about the dangers of moonwalking? [via Awesomephilia]

Is ‘SNL’s History With Rap As Bad As Everyone Assumes? |UPROXX|

Amy Poehler Wants Bill Murray To Play Pawnee’s Mayor On ‘Parks & Rec’ |Warming Glow|

White Folk Falling: The Best Of Segway Fails |With Leather|

This Church In France Is Crawling With Sci-Fi Gargoyles |Gamma Squad|

100-Word Review: Toro Y Moi’s “Anything In Return” |Smoking Section|

A Company Is Selling Temporary Kaepernick Tattoos |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Lindsay Lohan Hooked Up With Pauly D. Of Course. |The Superficial|

Remember The Time Beyonce Grinded With Aaron Cater?! |Buzzfeed|

The 25 Largest Movie Ensembles |Film.com|

A ‘Party Down’ Reunion Is Happening, But There’s A Catch |HuffPost Comedy|

Gwyneth Paltrow Forces Cameron Diaz To Give Up Sex (Normal Friend Stuff) |Videogum|

15 Temporarily Banned Episodes of Popular TV Shows |Mental Floss|

Yuck: The 10 Grossest Comedy Movie Scenes Ever |NextMovie|

If Alcohol Had Mascots Like Cereal |College Humor|

When Internet People Make Fake Vaginas |Holy Taco|

Bane Almost Looked Like a Gimp in TDKR |Unreality|

Scottie Pinwheel! |Clip Nation|

8 Actors Who Aren’t As Famous As They Should Be. I Can’t Imagine Why. |Pajiba|

Zombie Acting Tips With Rob Corddry |Screen Junkies|

The 36 greatest super-villain musical numbers of all time |Fark|

Daniel Radcliffe’s First Sex Scene Is With A Dude |IDLYITW|

A Dramatic Surprise On An Ice-Cold Day |High Definite|

Is This the Most Badass Ad Campaign of All Time? |Brobible|

NOMINATE for Comments of the Week. FOLLOW Vince on Twitter.
FAN US on Facebook. SUBSCRIBE to the Frotcast.

“Hey, come on, man, that carpet really tied the airport together.”

So as you can see, Bronson Pelletier, a 25-year-old actor who played one of the handsome wolf dudes in Twilight, got kicked off a plane for being too drunk and was later caught on video peeing on the floor in LAX. Pelletier sounds like a French name, and not being able to hold your liquor or pee on airplines is kind of a French thing (it’s cultural, you wouldn’t understand). Pelletier looks like he was gathering up his things on the way to the drunk tank, when, unlike the abstinent protagonists of a Stephenie Meyers novel, he just couldn’t wait any longer. So he unsheathed and loosed a warm piss stream right there in the baggage claim. The security guard actually steadies Pelletier’s shoulder to keep him from falling over while he’s peeing, which is far and away the nicest thing I’ve ever seen an airport security guard do. He wins the good bro award for doing solids in the line of duty, far as I’m concerned (bonus points if he’d timed the pee). Of course, it doesn’t last long before a cop passes by and sees an already-detained helpless drunk not being f*cked with and runs over to remedy the situation by throwing Pelletier down and kneeing him in the back while he screams. Nice work, asshole, I don’t know what’d we’d ever do without you.

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Twilight fans, who’ve been known to do things like make replica Bella wombs out of felt, and get attacked by their cats named Renesmee, can now celebrate their love of abstinence parables with custom-made sparkling vampire baby dolls, courtesy of Etsy user Bean Shanine.

Love Twilight? how about your very own red eyed newborn twilight vampire reborn baby!
You choose the details..created out of the Lulu reborn kit with twilight red eyes
The pictures are just examples of what your vampire baby can look like. The baby laying down is the lulu kit. Lulu has a partially open mouth just perfect for little vampire fangs!

You will get your twilight reborn baby made with:
- Genesis heat set paints so your baby will look beautiful for eternity
- Red glass eyes
- Vinyl arms and legs, vinyl head
- Painted in many many layers for 3D skin
- Doe suede body for easy positioning
- Stuffed with pollyfill
- Pollypellets used for a squishy tooshie
- Tiny glass beads used for real baby weight from 6lbs to 8lbs

It’s hard to know what the most disturbing aspect of that was. The “beautiful for eternity” definitely gave me a Mrs. Havisham/Possum Kingdom kind of vibe, but the “for easy positioning” was arguably more cryptic. And of course there’s always the oddly sanitized “squishy tooshie,” not to mention the implication that that would be something you look for in a doll. “Should I buy this doll, Henry?” “Wait, Margaret, squish its tooshie first, make sure it’s ripe!”

The message of Twilight here is that if you practice abstinence, you’ll eventually be rewarded with a sparkling white baby with special powers, whereas if you succumb to ethnic temptation, you get one with too much body hair that sweats too much and stinks. But just because you have a sparkling white baby, you’re not out of the woods yet, because the sweaty ethnic types will try to f*ck it. It is truly the love story of our times.

The copyright owner of EL James’ Fifty Shades of Grey, and Universal, the studio producing the film adaptation, are suing the producers of Fifty Shades of Grey: A XXX Adaptation. The sticking point here being the “a XXX adaptation” part, as opposed to the more lawsuit-resistant “a XXX parody.” Meanwhile, let’s not forget that Fifty Shades of Grey itself started out as a porn adaptation of Twilight, which is where this banner image came from:

“Snowqueens Icedragon” was E.L. James’ original pen name. (Hey, writers, stop it with the phony initials-for-names).

The Fifty Shades trilogy was developed from a Twilight fan fiction originally titled “Master of the Universe” and published episodically on fan-fiction websites under the pen name “Snowqueen’s Icedragon”. The piece featured characters named after Stephenie Meyer’s characters in Twilight, Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. After comments concerning the sexual nature of the material, James removed the story from the fan-fiction websites and published it on her own website, FiftyShades.com. Later she rewrote Master of the Universe as an original piece, with the principal characters renamed Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele and removed it from her website prior to publication.

So, a porn adaptation suing a porn adaptation, basically. This would be meta if it weren’t so asinine.

Smash Pictures and James Lane (“Jim Powers”) evidently thought [Fifty Shades of Grey was screaming to be made into porn]. The makers of Fifty Shades of Grey: a XXX Adaptation are now being taken to court over an what the plaintiffs call a “willful attempt to capitalize on the reputation of the book.”
Last summer, L.A. Weekly reviewed the potential porn film of the book franchise, saying, “While parodies are the only way adult film studios can make any money these days, making a ‘Fifty Shades’ version is truly the only way to put the three erotic novels on film in their BDSM glory without MPAA censorship and film industry finger-wagging.”
Want to bet?
In that same article, Smash exec Stuart Wall gave the publication a quote, saying, “Since they are going to make a mainstream [film] of the books, too, dabbling in the adult world we’re choosing to go with a XXX adaption which will stay very true to the book and its S&M-themed romance.”

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