That’s right, Twilight‘s Robert Pattinson has inspired yet another line of underwear.  The picture you see above is actually from a story about Twilight panties I did last year.  While the implication there is that Edward Cullen would want to drink your menstrual blood and control your gunt like spanks (the perfect man!), today’s product is aimed at us dudes, specifically the lumberjacks among us who want to look more like R-Pattz when we wear skinny jeans.  I think I speak for all of us when I say, “Finally!”

Marks and Spencer has announced that they are creating a men’s underwear line inspired by the sexy star.
Aptly called the R-Pant, the vampire-inspired slim-fit underwear collection of low-rise briefs and trunks is meant to be worn under skinny jeans like those sported by Katy Perry’s funny man Russell Brand and, of course, Pattinson himself.
And while the 24-year-old “Twilight” hottie will not be appearing in an ad campaign for the retailer (nor is he apparently endorsing the line), the Guardian reports that the actor has been spotted shopping for underwear at the store. [People]

Whoa, when you read that, did the voice in your head suddenly develop a lisp?   Weird.  Anyway, let me see if I have this straight: this store that Robert Pattinson shopped at once started selling underwear named after him, which Robert Pattinson neither wears nor endorses?  And it’s a Twilight product that they plan to market to men?  Now, I’m no lawyer (nor am I an underpants scientist), but this plan sounds both well thought out and fool proof to me.

And now, from the you-probably-saw-this-coming files, it seems that Twilight kids have  taken to biting each other, and not just because they mistook their friends for delicious, delicious Twinkies.  Yes, this is probably just one of those ridiculous trend pieces, timed to take advantage of Twilight fever, but oh well, I’ll bite. ‘Bite,’ get it?  HIRE ME, NEWSPAPER ARTS DESK!

Teenagers inspired by the explosively popular vampire series, as well as shows like True Blood and the Vampire Diaries, are taking the fad one step further and exchanging real life ‘love bites.’
“It’s a way to belong to somebody and check their territory,” high school sophomore Pao Hernandez told CBS News.

Don’t you mean ‘mark’ your territory?  Oh right, you learned English from Stephenie Meyer.

Hernandez says couples at her school exchange blood with each other to prove their passion, and friends also give each other bites to demonstrate just how close they are.

Mmm, abstinence is so much sexier, especially when you still have to worry about STDS.  DANGER! VAMPIRES! CATS!

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Afraid you’re too unfashionable to be accepted into the local foppish goth coven?  Well I’ve got just the thing: Edward Cullen’s shoes!  Brand new from the Pyramid Collection (Myth, Magick, Fantasy & Romance) come these handsome dress shoes, perfect for a Ren Faire mixer or Wiccan prom.

Vampires of distinction love these: glossy, patent-leather-and-velour gentleman’s shoes, fashioned in blood red and midnight black [as opposed to sunrise black...], with large, faceted-crystal medallions on the instep. [source]

Looking through the rest of the Pyramid Collection website, I find that they have separate sections for plus-sized clothing (of course), as well as “coats and capes,” which is great because I’d been searching for a good plus-sized cape.  Really, all patent-leather-and-velour shoes should come with a good plus-sized cape included, for your date to wear.  They could have matching faceted-crystal medallions like a corsage.  That would be hot.  Anyway, I’d love to show these to the God-hates-f*gs Twihard, just to see if it would shake her faith.  “Oh no, Jesus says velour is an abomination!”

^{(What’s this? Oh, just a fan-made picture of Taylor Lautner and his infant lover Renesmee.  Nope, nothing weird about that…)}

Today in shocking news you’ll never believe, it turns out women obsessed with books written at a sixth-grade level about a 100-year-old vampire who falls in love with a sullen 16-year-old and stares at her while she sleeps might not have the healthiest relationships.  Fill the hole in my heart with Twinkies, LA Times:

Chrystal Johnson didn’t think there was anything unhealthy about her all-consuming fixation with “The Twilight Saga” — until she discovered it was sucking the life out of her marriage.
“I found poems my husband had written in his journal about how I had fallen for a ‘golden-eyed vampire,’ ” says Johnson, a 31-year-old accountant from Mesa, Arizona.

Man, that must’ve been embarrassing.  I know how mortified I was when my girlfriend discovered my journal. “Dear Diary: I haven’t written in you much lately on account of not having a vagina.  Once I grow one, I promise to compose three poems about it.”

“This is the first time I’ve been this passionate about anything,” says Kelli Chavez, a 39-year-old mom who drove in from Sylmar. “I’ve read each of the books at least eight or nine times and I’ve watched each of the movies over 300 times apiece.”

I realize idiots are prone to hyperbole, but if we were to take her claims at face value, the first Twilight film was 121 minutes long.  If she’d watched it 300 times, that would come to 36,300 minutes, or 605 hours, a little more than 25 days.  Add in the second movie (130 minutes), that’s a total of 1,255 hours spent watching Twilight films.  Which brings me to my next point: this chick is a liar.  But have you ever noticed a lot of these Twilight superfans are Mexican?  It’s like they put horchata in there or something.

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The Twilight Saga: Eclipse premiered in LA this week, spawning a 1000-plus-strong tent city which we earlier dubbed “Lonesome Town.” There’s a limit to the number of fat jokes, cat jokes, and abstinence jokes I can make before it gets old, but it’s like they’re just rubbing it in my face now.  They’re like the kid whose strategy for dealing with bullies is to hope he’ll eventually punch himself out (it’s possible, but that’s why you bring a football buddy you can tag in).

AEG, which owns L.A. Live and distributed the premiere wristbands with Summit Entertainment, screened “New Moon” for fans Tuesday night. On Wednesday, the film’s actors, Peter Facinelli, Billy Burke, Julia James and Jackson Rathbone, distributed hamburgers, CDs and makeup in the tent city.

Thanks, Mike Dexter!  The makeup got here just in time.  My mascara was starting to run from the hamburger grease.  Mmm, shame burgers. Delicious.

Stephanie Tregea, 19, drove 500 miles from Upper Lake, in Northern California, to attend the premiere. She wore a black T-shirt that said “Team Carlisle,” and held a sign that read: “My cat died while I’ve been in line. (Peter, comfort me during this sadness).”

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