"Mmm, sparkle me, Edward. Sparkle me raw."

Well it’s finally happened, and I’m surprised it took this long.  Now the lonely women of the world can have their very own sparkly vampire wiener, and without the challenge of having to bite their lips and look alluringly constipated.  That’s because a company called Tantus is marketing, yes, a Twilight dildo, called “The Vamp,” which sparkles in the sunlight and can be refrigerated to mimic that “ice-cold-vampire-penis” feel.  No word on whether you have to read 1100 pages of elementary-school level drivel before you actually stick it in you.

Who doesn’t love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That’s what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won’t be the only thing coming for you in the night.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes it will.

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow.

(*slow clap*)  Bra-vo, Mr. Twilight-Dildo Copywriter Guy, bra-vo.

Since it’s a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus’ own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling out to you in the night. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch it sparkle.

“Yes, for the full experience, take your Twilight dildo for a spin on a sunny day.  Heck, keep your curlers and bathrobe on, because who even cares anymore?  Screw the neighbors, it’s your front yard.”

Do you want to hear some customer testimonials?  I’ll answer that for you: you want to hear some customer testimonials.

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Yesterday, the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Facebook page offered Twilight fans a special Valentine’s Day treat –  (to cats) GATHER AROUND, MY PRETTIES, I HAVE EXCITING NEWS — a new picture from the set!  It’s probably the most exciting ever to happen to a Twilight fan on Valentine’s Day.  The picture shows the Isle Esme (you can tell it’s tropical because of the 10 tropical plants awkwardly planted in the foreground), which, if you’ll remember, is the Brazilian snorkel island the Cullens own where Bella Swan and her sparkly vampire husband go on their honeymoon, first to snorkel and eventually to consummate their love.  Because it’s so much sexier when you wait, Edward’s super-powered vampire penis knocks Bella unconscious and he destroys the headboard with his inhuman thrusting (previous set pictures show her clutching feathers from her ruined bed and closing her eyes to keep from being blinded by his ultra-bright sparkling vampire genitals).  But in so doing, he fills her womb with the telepathic half-vampire fetus (“Reneesme”) that will eventually sever Bella’s spine and need to be removed via vampire-teeth c-section.  Whereupon Jacob the shirtless, ethnic temptation wolf will fall in love with it (these damned ethnic types, you can’t keep ‘em from trying to bang your sparkling white babies).

Phew, you guys catch all that?  Sorry, I just didn’t want you to fall behind and start asking stupid questions when it comes out in the theater, like “HURRRR, why is the werewolf trying to bang the vampire fetus?”  I mean everyone knows that.

49-year-old cake maker Cathy Ward from Reading, England recently dropped 14 dress sizes, and to celebrate, got a 22-hour Twilight tattoo job covering her entire back.  No word on what her cakes taste like, but that muffin top looks delicious. (Sorry).

She was desperate to get almost the whole cast of blood-sucking characters on her back because she claims they helped her lose five stone. [70 pounds]
Despite working in the cake department, she ditched calorie-laden foods in favour of getting stuck into the popular books and movies– and dropped 14 dress sizes in just six months. Mrs Ward said: ‘A friend of mine got me the first film on DVD because I was feeling low. Once I started I just couldn’t stop myself. I had to go out and buy all the books and films. I got hooked. It became my way of rewarding myself.’

Wait, so she used Twilight as a way to NOT eat junk food?  Damn, you see a lady with a Twilight obsession and a framed picture of a cat in her house and think you have a stereotype all figured out…

She plans to save £2,000 more to spend another 12 hours under the needle as she eclipses her whole torso with the gothic tribute.
There are still a few bits to do. I am going to get my arms done before my 50th birthday in summer. I love Robert Pattinson. I want to tone up so I can get his character Edward Cullen on my stomach.’

You know, I think Jacob had that same strategy. (*crack of the bat, watches ‘obvious gay joke’ sail over the centerfield wall*)

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As a Thanksgiving present, Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn director Bill Condon shared the above picture on Twitter, the first picture from the movie version of Breaking Dawn, the last chapter of Stephenie Meyer’s shirtless dude-filled abstinence parable.

Without context, it’s hard to know what the hell it is.  But history tells us that Breaking Dawn is the book where Edward and Bella get married and go snorkeling in Brazil for their honeymoon, and since they’re married and can finally bang (the institution of marriage being very important to 110-year-old vampires), they finally have sex, and Edward’s super-vampire-powered crotch thrusts break the bed and knock Bella unconscious.  (The “Dawn” in the title presumably refers to Bella’s hymen).  Ergo, the above picture is most likely an unconscious Bella holding a handful of feathers from when Edward destroyed her bed and vagina. See how much hotter the sex is if you wait, sinner?  Reactions from the Twihards included:

MollieVX
THIS is soooooo AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

Codster27
Wow I can’t wait!!! Where are the bruises??

tayannegamboa
I can’t wait to see this scene and all honeymoon scenes!!

makitalove
omg !!!! thanks for this………ahhhhhhhhhhhh

BellaReyCRP
OMG!!!!!!!!!! thank you SO MUCH! GOD! :P it’s just perfect!!!! thanks thanks thanks! :D

eleripilliroog
I seriously screamed when i saw this , OMT  [Oh My Twilight? -Ed.]

Yasmiintjeuuh
were are the bruises?

behleen_
OMG!!!! that’s is amazing !! we need that pillows
*scream*

xTwilightPaulax
OMG! OMG! Bill you have NO idea what you are doing to us *SCREAM**SCREAM* I. CAN’T. WAIT.

You’ll have to excuse their excitement, it’s just that few of them have ever seen a bed not covered in cat fur.  I just hope someone makes me a felt Bella hymen to match my womb.

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It feels like every movie in existence released a trailer in the last two days, and now that I’ve posted them, it’s time to clear the rest of my FireFox tabs.

Paul, Black Swan have new posters.  Greg Mottola’s take off on Mac & Me starring Nick Frost and Simon Pegg continues to look just weird enough that it might work, and Aronofsky’s ballerina movie now has an awesome poster.  Two of the most anticipated movies of the year, and yet all I can think is “aggressive lesbian ballerina sex.” |BlackSwan, Paul|

White Director Named White to Film Film for Whites.  Lionsgate offered the directing job on Pride and Prejudice and Zombies to the guy who wrote Orange County and School of Rock.   Nothing against Mike White (I enjoyed School of Rock, cutesy as it was), but every time I read “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” I hear this rap song about NPR.  Haha!  Being a nerd is cool!  (But still not that cool, so settle down, spaz).

Sacha Baron Cohen may reteam with Borat/Bruno director Larry Charles for The Dictator, a film “about the parallel stories of a goat herder and deposed foreign dictator who gets lost in this country.” If you’ll remember, this is the film for which Paramount sent Cohen a goat in a t-shirt, and roughly the eight billionth possible Cohen project reported on since Bruno.  Hey, I have a novel idea, maybe we could wait until he actually films something.  Just a thought. |LATimes|

Steven Soderbergh directing The Man from U.N.C.L.E., George Clooney possibly to star.  Based on the 60s TV show and set in the 60s, the project is still in the early stages, but the plan would be to shoot it in late 2011. I’ll tell you how I feel about this as soon as I find someone old enough to remember The Man from U.N.C.L.E.  I lost interest immediately upon finding out it doesn’t stand for University of North Carolina Lesbian Ensemble. |ThePlaylist|

And finally, an entrant into the World Biggest Twilight Fan contest says in her video (below), “I would literally take a bullet for any member of the cast, any day?” Congrats, you’re the new ‘Tard Olympics gold medalist.  I hate to praise Tyra, but I have to admit, this Twilight fan contest was a lot more fun when she was lining up these fatties and making them eat pie.

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