Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: there’s a woman in Wales with her dead cats tattooed on her back. The cats’ names are Tinky, Woody, Mr Brush, Mr Spock and Bella. While we don’t know with 100 percent certainty that Bella the cat is named after Bella the abstinent vampire lover from Twilight, I’m going to go out on a limb and file this one under “ladies who name their cats after Twilight characters do the darnedest things.” It’s a nice follow-up to the one who had to fight off Renesmee the cat with her husband’s c-pap machine.

Trust me: You’re going to want to see this tattoo.

Fran Bailey, 23, had the puss pictures permanently inked on her skin so can always remember them. Fran said: “I love my cats and I love my tattoo. A lot of people who have lost pets can relate to it.”
Fran took in the cats from animal shelters and cared for her poorly cats at her home in Newtown, in Powys, Mid Wales.
She said: “When I went to the rescue centre I asked for the most ill and unloved cats they had so that they would have somewhere to go.
“That meant the ones I had were ones with feline AIDS so they all died. On average I lost one every two months.”

Well yeah, if you’re adopting AIDS cats, you’re going to need at least six to last you the whole year, everyone knows that. Okay, enough foreplay, let’s see this tattoo with the incredible backstory:

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Twilight fans, who’ve been known to do things like make replica Bella wombs out of felt, and get attacked by their cats named Renesmee, can now celebrate their love of abstinence parables with custom-made sparkling vampire baby dolls, courtesy of Etsy user Bean Shanine.

Love Twilight? how about your very own red eyed newborn twilight vampire reborn baby!
You choose the details..created out of the Lulu reborn kit with twilight red eyes
The pictures are just examples of what your vampire baby can look like. The baby laying down is the lulu kit. Lulu has a partially open mouth just perfect for little vampire fangs!

You will get your twilight reborn baby made with:
- Genesis heat set paints so your baby will look beautiful for eternity
- Red glass eyes
- Vinyl arms and legs, vinyl head
- Painted in many many layers for 3D skin
- Doe suede body for easy positioning
- Stuffed with pollyfill
- Pollypellets used for a squishy tooshie
- Tiny glass beads used for real baby weight from 6lbs to 8lbs

It’s hard to know what the most disturbing aspect of that was. The “beautiful for eternity” definitely gave me a Mrs. Havisham/Possum Kingdom kind of vibe, but the “for easy positioning” was arguably more cryptic. And of course there’s always the oddly sanitized “squishy tooshie,” not to mention the implication that that would be something you look for in a doll. “Should I buy this doll, Henry?” “Wait, Margaret, squish its tooshie first, make sure it’s ripe!”

The message of Twilight here is that if you practice abstinence, you’ll eventually be rewarded with a sparkling white baby with special powers, whereas if you succumb to ethnic temptation, you get one with too much body hair that sweats too much and stinks. But just because you have a sparkling white baby, you’re not out of the woods yet, because the sweaty ethnic types will try to f*ck it. It is truly the love story of our times.

Right, because it’s the placement of the tattoo that’s gay. Also, I wouldn’t call this “gay.” All the gay guys I know have much better taste than this. [Lamebook]

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The bad news for Twilight fans continues today, as scientists have discovered that not only might your cat try to kill you for naming it Renesmee, breathing in its feces has been linked to higher rates of suicide.

(*sigh*) I guess this is goodbye, old friend. (*throws cat-poop jenkum balloon in dumpster*)

Scientists suspect link between cat feces, female suicide
Women infected with a parasite spread by cat feces run a higher risk of attempting suicide, suggests a study of more than 45,000 women in Denmark published in a scientific journal this week.
“We can’t say with certainty that T. gondii caused the women to try to kill themselves,” said Teodor Postolache of the University of Maryland medical school, senior author of the study in the Archives of General Psychiatry.
“But we did find a predictive association between the infection and suicide attempts later in life that warrants additional studies. We plan to continue our research into this possible connection.”
About one in three people in the world are believed to be infected with T. gondii, which has been linked to schizophrenia and behavior changes, but often produces no symptoms as it lurks in brain and muscle cells.
Human run the risk of infection when they clean out their cats’ litter boxes, as well as by consuming unwashed vegetables, undercooked or raw meat, or water from a contaminated source.
“The study found that women infected with T. gondii were one-and-a-half times more likely to attempt suicide compared to those who were not infected, and the risk seemed to rise with increasing levels of the T. gondii antibodies,” a summary of the findings said. [AP]

“Wait, so you only get it from emptying the litter box and eating vegetables? Phew,” said a hoarding Twilight fan, noisily wheezing a sigh of relief.

This morning, I posted the first picture from Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2, featuring Bella and Edward’s telepathic, half-vampire baby, Renesmee. At the time I opined, “how many cats out there are named Renesmee? I bet it’s a lot.” This prompted reader Garrett to send me the following KOMO news story from 2010, and OH MY F*CKING GOD, YOU GUYS. I don’t want to get hyperbolic, but this story is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

REXBURG, Idaho – A Rexburg woman says one of her cats recently attacked her and tried to kill her, sending her and her husband to the hospital.
The Ostermiller family says their cat was completely normal until three days after it gave birth to kittens. But it soon became defensive, and the family says it tried to kill them.
It began last week on Tuesday at about 5:30 a.m. The Ostermillers were sleeping when they heard a sound.
“All I heard was rrwwwrrrr hisss,” Jackie Ostermiller said.
Jackie woke up and saw her cat, Renesmee, (named after the Twilight character) panicking. Jackie thinks a male cat had wandered by outside the home and Renesmee was protecting her kittens.

IT WAS PROBABLY A WEREWOLF! YOU KNOW THOSE DIRTY ETHNIC WEREWOLVES GO CRAZY FOR FRESH WHITE KITTEN MEAT!

Jackie went to grab her cat to stop her from bolting out a hole in the screen door. That’s when the kitty made its move.
“I was being mauled literally for the kill. She had got a hold of my nose first, my face first, my arms – I was literally screaming,” she said.
Jackie’s husband, Blaine, was able to pry the attacking feline off.

You can tell that she’s a Stephenie Meyer reader by her vivid imagery and extensive vocabulary. She really paints a picture. “The cat was going ‘raaawwwwr.’ She was literally going crazy. She was so crazy, it was scary.”

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