Hugh Jackman recently went on the Spanish television show El Hormiguero, which, according to my junior high experience with Spanish, translates roughly as “The hormi white person.” The Wolverine actor proceeded to stand between a jockey and a guy wearing a bulging, skintight bodysuit with a cape, in an apparent attempt to look more butch by comparison. An attempt which was a resounding success. Touché, Jackman, touché.
But then, before the image had a chance to register, he starred in this Got Milk ad sporting a wifebeater and cum on his upper lip. Why must my love life be so confusing!
Look, George, there’s a kitty over there. Did you see the kitty, George? Wanna go pet the kitty later, George?
Even after three gnü movies, an animated movie, and countless other crap that I don’t care enough about to look up, George Lucas is still milking Star Wars‘ old, curdled teat. Latest project? A live-action Star Wars TV series.
“According to Lucas, the show will focus on minor characters from the saga and be set in the time period between “Revenge of the Sith” (Episode III) and the original “Star Wars” (Episode IV). The action will follow the Rebel Alliance as it slowly gains strength against the Empire. There will be Stormtroopers, but no Jedi or Darth Vader will appear on screen. As he did with the “Clone Wars” series, Lucas will write and shoot an entire year’s worth of episodes before looking for a cable channel on which to air the series.” [MTV]
After retarded Jamaican alien Jar-Jar Binks and his gay Jabba the Hutt based on Truman Capote characters, who knows what delicious surprises Lucas has in store for us this time! Ooh, I know! How ’bout Han Solo has a Puerto Rican niece, based on Rosie Perez? Mira, Chuy, ju deeden’t feex the pinche hyperdrive right, stupeed. Lujana Soto, we could call her.
I know this isn’t movie-related, but blow me, movie news is slow this time of year. Anyway, this is a clip from Rock of Love Charm School, in which Sharon Osbourne teaches retarded whores to read or something. The fight starts at 1:15, fast forward if you know what’s good for you. Now, there are few people in this world I’d rather throat punch than Sharon’s co-host, human grease trap Riki Rachtman, but everyone in the clip makes a solid case for the apocalypse.
The fight starts when Sharon tells Megan The Worthless Skank that she shouldn’t be allowed to breed. Though she’s right, the obvious response would probably be, “Wait, aren’t all your kids in rehab?” but Megan instead says something about Ozzy that get’s bleeped. Then Sharon pours coffee on Megan and they start fighting, which you can tell because they cut away then back to the camera that was right next to the action a second ago but is now inexplicably 10 feet away and all shaky. I guess my point in all this is that if you want to put on trash TV, how about just hot chicks in bikinis cutting down the rainforests with chainsaws? The saw would probably make their boobs jiggle and then you could put rap metal in the background and that would still make me want to stab random strangers less than this.
You probably thought that headline was one of my many attempts to be cute, but it’s true, Frank Stallone is getting a reality show.
…he’s thrilled to be finally stepping out of his famous sibling’s shadow. The 58-year-old is a successful musician, with Grammy and Golden Globe nominations for his song for 1983 movie Staying Alive - but he has struggled to keep up with Oscar winner Sylvester. In the as-yet-untitled show, Frank will show off his talents and share his life, and relationships with his brother and psychic mother Jackie.
Oh yeah, definitely don’t gloss over the part about the mom. From Frank’s Wiki page:
…the son of Jacqueline “Jackie” (née Labofish), an astrologer, former dancer, and promoter of women’s wrestling, and Frank Stallone, Sr., a hairdresser.
Awesome. I want business cards that say “Promoter of women’s wrestling.”
[Frank] is relishing the opportunity to finally make his name, telling the National Enquirer, “For 32 years I have been Rocky-ed to death. Now I’m trying to change the public’s perception of me.
“I’m extremely proud that Sly created Rocky, but I got really tired of that. I was signed to RCA records before Rocky came along and I’m angry that people think I’m riding on my brother’s coat tails. I want the recognition I deserve.” [via WENN - so take this whole story with a grain of salt]
If I had to choose a favorite Frank Stallone album (and it’s hard, it’s like trying to choose a favorite child), I’d have to go with 2002’s Stallone on Stallone - By Request. It’s hard to choose a favorite among so many great tracks, but “Love is Like a Light” is one of the best, most powerful songs ever written about self-preservation, dignity. Its universal message crosses all boundaries and instills one with the hope that it’s not too late to better ourselves. …Whoa, what happened, I blacked out for a second there. Anyway, if Frank Stallone is on a show by law I don’t think they can call it a reality show.
I’ve got the first episode of Flight of the Conchords’ new season available for free after the jump, even though it won’t be on TV until January 18th. I’m just really f-cking cool like that. If you’ve never seen Flight of the Conchords, it’s an HBO show about the New Zealand singing sensation… uh, Flight of Conchords. Think Tenacious D, but skinnier and much, much drier. HBO has a pretty good track record when it comes to breaking new comedies - Ali G, Summer Heights High… pretty much everything except Little Britain, which makes me want to self-immolate. Hey, England, you can have Tracey Ullman back too. Anyway, check it out. And if your boss gives you any shit, just tell her* to f-ck off. It’s December. Nobody works in December.
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