Phew, now that Marvel’s whole sexism kerfuffle is over with, we can go back to focusing on the important things, like this video of a koala tuggin’ off. You’d think koalas, who sleep 20 hours a day because of the psychoactive drugs in the eucalyptus leaves they eat (koalas: nature’s stoners), would masturbate in a sleepy, lackadaisical fashion. But quite the opposite is true. Turns out, koalas masturbate like rabbits f*ck. I bet before this, some koala broad was all, “Not now, Angus, I’m sleepy!” And Angus here was all, “Foine, ya think Oy need a Shiela, Oi’ll jus go finish meself off meself!” Hrrrrnnnnggghhhh….

At least, that’s how I imagine masturbating koalas talk. You know how koalas do. Koalas are so cute, he probably ejaculates glitter and cuddles.

Because I love you and I want you to be happy, here is an additional video a tortoise having sex with a child’s tricycle.
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Besides movie news, FilmDrunk has long been the internet’s number one source for both rape vans and turtles trying to have sex with inanimate objects.  In today’s edition, two tortoises fight over which one gets to have sex with a soccer ball.  That’ll do, internet.  That’ll do. |via Buzzfeed|

MORNING LINKS

• The latest chapter of Robopanda’s brilliant Meme Watch: Forever Alone. |Uproxx|

• I added that clip of ODB to this week’s Frotcast. Trust me, you want to watch this. |Frotcast|

• Strippers Remind You To Get Your Flu Shot. |UproxxNews|

• As you can tell by the banner video, The Internet is Serious Business. |Uproxx|

• RIP, Stephen Cannell, creator of the awful TNT pilot I once worked on. |WarmingGlow|

• USA reclaims lawnmower land-speed record. USA! USA! |GammaSquad|

• Lamar Odom renews vows with his wife, Mrs. Potatohead. |WithLeather|

• 9 Lyrics That P*ssed Rappers Off For No Reason. |SmokingSection|

• PICTURED: This Tiger Woods mustache guy meme might be photoshopped, but I don’t care.

• Comic-Con to stay in San Diego.  Tough luck, Cleveland. |G4|

• Seven Campaign Ads for Rahm Emanuel’s Mayoral Run. |TheSmokingJacket|

• Say What? Odd English. |Gunaxin|

• A Cool Gallery of Geeky Car Mods. |UnrealityMag|

• 25 awesome blacksploitation movie posters. |HolyTaco|

• Every Liz Lemon flashback from 30 Rock. |ScreenJunkies|

• This play sums up the Buffalo Bills.  Whatever, call me when you fumble THE GAME-WINNING INTERCEPTION when all you have to do to win the game is TAKE A F***ING KNEE, YOU WORTHLESS MORON AAWWWEERRRGGH!!!!  Ihateyousomuch, 49ers.  |NYCBarstoolSports|

Friday Free for All is the time of the week I reserve for all the things I really wanted to post that might not be strictly movie-related.  So please, do not ask me “Dude, how is this movie related?” Or I will punch you. Send your tips to

Call me old-fashioned, but I’m of the opinion that one can never have to many turtle-orgasm videos.  (Okay, okay, Professor Science, it’s actually a tortoise, you can get down from the clock tower now).  This tortoise doesn’t remind me of myself as much as the Turtle Who Says Wow, mainly because he lasts way longer.  I guess when you live 200 years or so, you can afford to take your time.  Me, I’m more of a pump-pump pass out kind of guy, that’s just how I roll, deal with it.  Oh hey, camera guy, can you get the camera further down the tortoise’s throat?  I’m not nauseous enough yet.  It looks like he’s got a winking cervix in there. I bet this is exactly what Steven Seagal’s unique physiological reaction looks like. [via BuzzFeed]

After the jump, a couple more movie-related mash ups.

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This turtle says “Wow” while making love.  He reminds me of myself.  I still say “wow” on every thrust too, because every time I get re-surprised that there’s a lady willing to let me put my wiener in her. |Boston.BarstoolSports|

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• I posted this on the FilmDrunk Facebook page the other day when the site was down, but in case you missed it, Stallone blows up YouTube and rocks out to Guns and Roses. |YouTube|

• Chodin adds photographic context to Mel Gibson quotes. |

• Robopanda examines strip clubs and bro rape. |UproxxNews|

• Turn your fixed gear into a Tron light cycle. |GammaSquad|

• If Wyclef were president… |SmokingSection|

• (pictured) You’d need an acrobatic woman to compete with this Fleshlight fan. |uncensored version here*|

• Even more gifs of Alison Brie’s boobs. Damn. That sentence was so “internet.” |WarmingGlow|

• When it comes to predicting Brett Favre, Loki the octopus is no Paul the octopus. |WithLeather|

• Cleaning up with Warren the Ape. |G4|

• How to write a Black-Eyed Peas song. |HolyTaco|

• The 12 best movie portrayals of white trash. |ScreenJunkies|

• Drug dealer combines arraignment with marriage.  Aw, how sweet. |FListed|

• Here’s another attractive woman with very little clothing. |GorillaMask|

*Yes, I had to swap out a picture because it contained a too-realistic depiction of an organ (yes, not even the real thing) we all came out of. If you’re the person in charge of deciding that something like this is not safe for a grown adult to look at at work, please, please, please kill yourself.

Apparently this whole turtles raping shoes thing is, like, a thing.  This time the turtle rapes a Croc sandal, though if you ask me, the croc was asking for it with all those revealing holes.  I get the feeling this is what it’s like to be married to Larry King.    [-Thanks for the tip, Robopanda]

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• Enjoy Burnsy’s Nail in the Coffin: The Best and Worst of Hollywood Vampires.  |Uproxx|
• Penis-headed sh*t fer brains Jeff Zucker ran NBC into the ground, and all he’s getting is this stupid $30 million severance package. How is this possible?  Can’t we as a society confiscate this money and do something more worthwhile with it?  Like set it on fire?  |WarmingGlow|
• Chad Ochocinco ain’t a fan of the sisters, apparently. |WithLeather|
• This batmobile is pretty sh*tty.  Then again, let’s see you build a batmobile out of a $100 car.  This reminds me a lot of my first car.  It had a family of bats living in it. |GammaSquad|
• Spank bank: Natasha A. |GorillaMask|
• 26 hilarously inaccurate knock-off toys.  |Urlesque|
• According to a new University of Iowa study, Marijuana barely affects driving performance.  According to a classic study by me, it definitely does.  |Asylum|
• Meet the Chicago Blackhawks ice girls.  Gotta love a girl who can handle a shovel. |Gunaxin|
• A xenophobe’s guide to hating all 31 World Cup opponents.  |SportsPickle|
• Cinema’s best underrated fight scenes. |InsideMovies|
• Dennis Hopper’s most bizarre roles. |Ranker|
• Here’s a girl in blue body paint that has nothing to do with Avatar.  (I think). |G4|
• This guy’s man boobs were so offensive they had to blur them in his mug shot.  |FListed|

And here’s Lindsay Lohan as photographed by Terry Richardson, who’s supposed to be some big deal photographer.  Are you serious, dude?  Didn’t dressing your model up in Jesus crap cease being edgy like 20 years ago?  This concept is as f*cked out as… well, the subject.