I once read that "gun" was a euphemism for "large penis".

When I arrived on set it was a little before 9:00am. That meant I was early. I figured that if ever there was an opportunity to be on time for something, the morning you’re offered to visit an adult film shoot had better be it. Not to mention, our filming location was a good 40 miles outside of Los Angeles and just a brief ten minutes prior I’d convinced myself that I was absolutely lost. So, you can imagine my relief when I realized that I’d made it to the correct address: a dusty horse ranch on the outskirts of L.A. county.

As I locked the door to my truck, the wind kicked up a nice thick cloud of manure and pimp slapped me right across the face with it. To add insult to injury, it was cold-as-hell out, too. Really cold. An ugly day was certainly brewing on the forecast, but that wasn’t enough to postpone (yet again) this day of shooting. I’d been told that 30 days prior production had been rained out and forced to reschedule this pivotal day of filming. Hell or high water, something erotic was getting filmed today, whether Mother Nature liked it or not.

In true Daily Bugle fashion, I was brandishing a very obvious notepad and pen tucked tightly underneath my armpit. I stood out like, well, a douche writer on a porn shoot. From afar, thank God, my production contact noticed my arrival and emerged from a small wooden cabin to introduce himself. Following an awkward-but-necessary “welcome to set” handshake, he begins to explain that the crew is busy sorting out a small “situation” that has just come up: apparently there is an issue with the day’s scheduled Bear Girl-on-girl scene. Yes, Bear Girl. I wish I could say that this had caught me off guard, but one must come to expect these sorts of things when Vince Mancini asks you to visit the set of True Grit XXX.
*fires finger guns into air, holster and pants fall down completely*

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Studios tend to release anything with awards potential at the end of the year, making December a battleground for awards-bait movies and January a dumping ground for crap, like Season of the Witch.  But it wasn’t all bad news this weekend, as True Grit crossed the $100 million mark domestically, becoming the Coen Brothers’ highest-grossing movie of all time, and passing other Westerns Unforgiven, Maverick, Tombstone, and Brokeback Mountain.  No Country for Old Men finished with $74 million domestically.

True Grit led the weekend with $15 million.  Elsewhere, Little Fockers was still earning more than it should ($13.8m for the weekend, $124 million total – a lot, but less than half the last fockers movie), and Season of the Witch was tanking, but not as hard as Gulliver’s Travels, which fell to number 12 in its third weekend and has thus far earned $35 million on a $112 million budget.  Man, who would’ve thought a 3D version of an 18th century political satire aimed at kids was such a bad idea?  Oh right, everyone.

Meanwhile, Boxcar Gwynnie‘s extended cowgirl roleplay, Country Strong, did middling business in its first nationwide role out, earning $7.3 million from an audience that was 71% female.  I imagine you’ll soon be able to commemorate the event with a decorative bean tin and top hat with the top missing (“distressed”), just $109.95 from Goop.com.

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This week on the Frotcast, we talked Christmases with the fam, True Grit, and discussed our Frot 10s (branding!), our top 10 favorite movies of the year.  Well, that was the plan, anyway.  Mostly we just freestyled it and talked about loud sex and Kirk Douglas’ corpse boner again.

• 0 – 9 minutes: Christmas with the fam (my dad tries to guess a girl’s weight at Christmas dinner), super-serious airsoft gaming
• 9 minutes: Email from reader Andrew, who employs fake Bawston accents and knowledge of The Town to woo a female, finishing in typical FilmDrunkard fashion
• 12 minutes: We get Lindy on the phone.  We pressured her into drinking again.
• 16 minutes: Brendan explains his style of loud love-making.
• 19 minutes: We discuss Buried screenwriter‘s for your consideration email
• 24 minutes: Mel Gibson can’t get a boner unless someone’s beating the sh*t out of Jim Caviezel
• 27 minutes through outtro: Other super-duper funny and entertaining stuff happens.

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An artist's conception of this week's Frotcast

The bad news: Little Fockers was number one for the weekend with $34 million ($48 million since it opened Wednesday).

The good news: Little Fockers still earned less than the studio expected (the last sequel, which also sucked huge donkey balls and thus makes a fair comparison, earned $46 and $70m on the same weekend six years ago).  Meanwhile, True Grit gave the Coen Bros their biggest opening ever with $25.6 million for the weekend, $36.8 since Wednesday.  True Grit’s production budget was less than half of Little Fockers ($38 mil to $100), making it a much bigger hit for investors, not to mention the added benefit of being able to look yourself in the mirror the next morning without having produced Little Fockers on your conscience.  (Child porn is probably lucrative too, that doesn’t mean you should be proud of making money off it).

More good news: Gulliver’s Travels was DOA, opening with $7.2 million in seventh place.  For comparison, How Do You Know opened with $7.6 last weekend and dropped all the way to number 12 this weekend.  I think the rule of thumb here is that if the idea of someone making the movie is funnier than the premise itself, it’s a bad idea.  Did Jack Black help any of the Lilliputian kid win a sailboat race with his farts?  See, there’s no reason to see this movie, it’s much funnier in my imagination.

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You nerds can keep your Trons and your gay comic book movies about promise rings from space, True Grit is the movie I’m excited for (trailer here).  The Coen Brothers remake adaptation of the Charles Portis book just released a new batch of posters, and… (*puts on reading glasses, pulls a dusty leather-bound volume off the shelf, searches inside for the right passage*) …according to my research, it still looks badass.

It opens Christmas, and I know, I know, so far all we’ve really seen is cowboy costumes and Jeff Bridges with a dirty face and a Larry Flynt accent.  But if you need more than that to be excited about this, I don’t know what to tell you.

[via IMDB]
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