I’m pretty sure Tron Legacy is going to huff rotten ox queefs, but I’m all for After-Effectsing vintage Van Damme into Tron clips. (Hard to believe a guy with a mullet that sweet once had a coke problem, isn’t it?).  This clip, taken from the 1993 Van Damme/John Woo classic Hard Target, was an entry into an AintitCoolNews contest which awarded tickets to their Butt-numb-a-thon film festival to the best “Tron-ification” of clips from other films.  The winner was some other clip, which is bullsh*t.  How can you beat mullet Van Damme?  I’d put mullet Van Damme on top of anything — an ox, a water buffalo, my mom, the shoulders of Robocop while he rides a unicorn — it’s ALWAYS AWESOME. It’s just science.  I also enjoy the way the truck explodes like a bucket of dynamite when JCVD shoots it with his pistol from 100 yards.  In fairness, ’86 Chevy Suburbans were notorious for having bumpers made of C4.  Just sloppy design, really.

By the way, Mr. Mullet Van Damme video whiz, I have another clip I’d like to see you put Van Damme in…

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Tron: Legacy released its third trailer (below), and it behooves me to mention anything Tron related, if for no other reason than to post Tron dog, but also because look at Garrett Hedlund’s face.  Look at it.  That’s some straight up actory acting right up there.

Did my pants just throw themselves at the screen?  Why yes, I believe they did.

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"Hi, I'm Quorra. Hand job?"

Tron Legacy had its “Tron Night” last night, but we were busy recording the Frotcast, so you’ll have to go to another film site if you want to read an 800-word description of that.  What I can show you is this new clip from the film introducing Quorra (she spells it with a Q because she lives in a computer!), played by the lovely Olivia Wilde, whom many an internet commenter has described as “a place I’d like to put my boner.”  Not me, of course.  I’m much too classy for that.  I’d probably do something fancy, like dress her in a crotchless burqa and pelt her with falaffel.

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I’ve always thought Tron was kind of dumb and weird and I’m not much for “European electronica” (*pantomimes blowjob*) but I know I’m an extreme minority on this one, so here’s the new Daft Punk video for “Derezzed” with lots of video from Tron Legacy.  It sounds like a lot of Daft Punk songs, which is to say, like the coolest Super Hang-On-for-Sega-Genesis-backing track you’ve ever heard.  Anyway, this synth crap will never be as cool as The Clash or AC/DC, and in my mind you’re all half queer for liking it, but it does give me a good excuse to post Tron Dog.  And for that I say, “thanks, queers.” (Opens December 17th.)

If you’re keeping score at home, synthesizers = queer.  Doggies in costume = the awesomest, most hetero thing since sliced p*ssy.

[video via Playlist, picture via ScreenJunkies]

Disney has released a picture of Daft Punk all Tron‘d out, plus 90 seconds of “The Game Has Changed”, their new track from the film’s score. I apologize for not being on top of this sooner, it’s just that the only thing I care less about than Tron is French electronic music.  Relax, relax, I know the rest of you nerds love this stuff, so I’m doing my best to keep an open mind.  I admit that the song is fun.  It sounds kind of like if the (*BRAAAAAAAHMs*) from Inception had sex with the THWACK THWACK THWACK TH-TH-THWACKs from the old Terminator teaser and then they both rode off together on a farty motorbike.

There.  You got me to talk about Tron and Daft Punk.  Happy now?  Good. But I swear to God, the first person who so much as thinks the word “steampunk” is getting stuffed in a locker.

Oh right — also, the studio is doing a “Tron night” thing like they did with Avatar at the end of the month, where you can watch 20 minutes of the film in IMAX 3D. It’s already sold out in California, but I’m booking my flight to Missouri because I love previews.

[via Screenjunkies]