Since I know most of us spend most our days pondering the big questions, like “what will the truck that transforms into the shooty robot look like in the fourth Transformers movie?” I thought I’d just put an end to the suspense. If you answered “tasteful, with better fuel economy and a minimalist, European-inspired design,” sorry, Pierre, you’re wrong. The correct answer is “bigger, with more flames, a hood that nearly blocks out the windshield and fifteen chrome penises.” Though I would’ve also accepted “OOOOOH WAH AH AH-AH!”

Michael Bay has cast Academy Award^®-nominee Mark Wahlberg in the highly anticipated “TRANSFORMERS 4.”  The film will hit theaters June 27th, 2014.

“Mark is awesome.  We had a blast working on “Pain and Gain” and I’m so fired up to be back working with him.  An actor of his caliber is the perfect guy to re-invigorate the franchise and carry on the Transformers’ legacy,” said Bay.

Bay will direct the next installment in the “TRANSFORMERS” series, which begins shooting next spring.

Luckily, Optimus Prime drives himself, so Marky Mark won’t need to add blocks to the pedals or an extender to reach the gear shifts (because he’s gawt shawt little fackin T-Rex ahms, get it? FACK YOU).

Meanwhile, here’s the new “retro-mod” inspired Bumblebee:

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Count me among the many that initially thought Michael Bay was full of explosive diarrhea when he boasted that Mark Wahlberg would star in Transformers 4: Rise of the New Toy Sales, but I’ll give credit where credit is due. Bay is a classic salesman who could make a polar bear buy ice cubes, or in this case, make a millionaire accept millions of dollars. Ass slaps and towel snaps aside, Bay has a brand new cast to finish filling out, and it’s time to fill the bucket and scrub under the wheel wells.

The plot of Transformers 4, aside from being about rich corporations that want your children to demand toys, will focus on Wahlberg and his daughter, as well as her racecar driver boyfriend. For the sake of Bay’s credibility and consistency, let’s just assume that Wahlberg plays a Special Ops soldier who moonlights as a monster truck driver.

So which lovely young ladies are going to get the call to lay a little Turtle Wax on Bay’s Italia Spider?

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“2/10, would not bang. Truckasaurus was miscast.”

Throughout his career, Michael Bay has made a habit of doing things his own way. In the man’s own words, “I don’t change my style for anybody. Pussies do that.”

So when nerds on the internet start telling Michael Bay how he should be running the Transformers franchise, he usually tells them to go wax his Ferrari. Which is why it’s such a big story that Michael Bay recently not only paid attention to some online buzz, he actually incorporated some of their ideas. Here’s the word from Bay himself, via his website:

I squashed a rumor that was on the internet last week. It was about Mark Walhberg [sic]. Mark was rumored to be staring in Transformers 4. We are working on another movie together, not T4. I had such a great time working with Mark on Pain and Gain, and he gave such a great performance – well let’s say that very internet chatter gave me some ideas. We are at the inception of our story process right now on T4. Let’s say some ideas are gaining traction with me and my writer – so I’m here to say thanks internet chatter.

“I squashed a rumor.” That’s just the perfect Michael Bay phrase, conjuring a Hulk-like deity who lets puny rumors live or idea according to his whim, as a way to describe correcting a report about the toy-based movie he’s directing. In any case, as much as he usually craps on the internet nerds – I like to imagine his interaction with his fans is like Christian Bale trying to help the bum in American Psycho, “It’s just that I… have nothing in common with you…” -  it’s not out of character for Michael Bay to see or hear something and demand that it be in his movie. You may remember he got the idea for flying squirrel wingsuits from 60 Minutes. I like to imagine he spends his days watching TV and web surfing from the comfort of a magnificent recliner, with his assistant in front of him on an ottoman, and when he sees something he likes, he brings his bullhorn to his lips and shouts “THAT GOES IN THE MOVIE” into his assistant’s ear until the necessary script changes have been completed while he pets his tiger.

By the way, here’s the original accompanying picture from Bay’s blog:

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From the very beginning, the Michael Bay Tranformers saga has been more entertaining than he probably ever intended. What started with Megan Fox scrubbing some Ferraris developed into a disasterpiece of incredible-but-recycled special effects combined with terrible writing and over-the-top cornball acting. And despite Bay’s one-time threats to never make another action movie again, Shia LeBeouf offering to pay back every penny he earned to regain an ounce of credibility, Jason Statham supposedly considering taking over for him, and the fact that not one of the actors from any of the three films will return, there will be a fourth Transformers film and beyond, because Bay loves money.

And just how much does Bay love money? For starters, the whole point of Transformers 4 is for Hasbro to invent a brand new line of toys for Bay to base his robots on, because executives admitted that the last two films sold no toys. But that should hardly surprise anyone – even the rumor that there won’t even be an Optimus Prime – and neither should the latest news that Bay will choose an assistant for the 4th film from the contestants in a Doritos Super Bowl commercial. *makes explosion sound, chugs Mountain Dew*

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It’s time for another installment of This Week in Posters, and this week C-Tates and friends are here to kick this party off right! (*thrusts hips, throws shirt at audience, trips over coffee table*) The official theater rules for my press screening say shirts are required, but I think I saw a lot laaawbreakers in the mirror. (*rubs belly*)

Prediction: Nine months from next week, there will be a spike in the birth rate. This will be known as the “Magic Mike Spike.”

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