Transformers 3 opens at midnight tonight, meaning it’s time for media outlets to run all the stories they have on the castmembers.  Details Magazine hit the jackpot with a profile on Shia Lebwaff, who “admitted” hooking up with Megan Fox, and by admitted I mean ran around giving everyone high fours. But first, here’s the summary of the article Details sent me, which isn’t at all grandiose…

LaBeouf has thrown as many punches as he has parties, he has a rap sheet as long as his filmography, and when he’s not pissing off studio heads, he’s messing around with another guy’s girlfriend. But the 25-year-old Transformers star might also be the most honest man in Hollywood.  He lives by a code built on fierce integrity, recoils from material possessions, cherishes poetry and art, and despises all things phony.  More than meets the eye?  Damn right.

What a coincidence, I TOO cherish poetry and despise all things phony! GIVE! MY! INTEGRITY! A SEVEN! (*finger snaps*) Man. Our standards of “tough-guy movie star” have fallen a long way since Charles Bronson was chewing tobacco and losing his virginity at the age of five.

Asked if he hooked up with Megan Fox, LaBeouf nods affirmatively. “Look, you’re on the set for six months, with someone who’s rooting to be attracted to you, and you’re rooting to be attracted to them,” he explains. “I never understood the separation of work and life in that situation. But the time I spent with Megan was our own thing, and I think you can see the chemistry onscreen.” When I inquire about Fox’s status at the time with her longtime boyfriend, Brian Austin Green, LaBeouf replies, “I don’t know, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know . . .”—repeating the phrase exactly 12 times in various intonations, as if trying to get it just right. Finally, he says, “It was what it was.”

Repeating one phrase over and over again?  Hmm, doesn’t sound like the LaBeouf I know….

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PAUL BLART ZOOKEEPER. (Original poster here). Ignore what the actual poster, trailer, and all the marketing materials say, the true title of this film is “Paul Blart Zookeeper.” You know it, I know it, and Paul Blart himself knows it. In this latest poster, it commits the cardinal sin of the “Rom-Com Lean” poster cliché. Well, I call it a sin, but it’s not like this movie could look any more terrible. At this point, it’s just honest advertising. Still, I like the poster I made better:

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Michael Bay playing his favorite game, "Got your nipple."

Shia Labeouf famously admitted that Indiana Jones 4 kind of sucked, and immediately took a truckload of sh*t for it, because famous actors aren’t allowed to acknowledge things that are blatantly obvious to anyone with eyes.  He’d clearly learned from his “mistake” when the LA Times asked him about the rift between Megan Fox and Michael Bay (which I assume occurred when she wouldn’t wash his Ferrari long or hard enough), which may or may not have led to her not being in Transformers 3.   Now then, let’s all just sit back and enjoy watching him squirm.

“Megan developed this Spice Girl strength, this woman-empowerment [stuff] that made her feel awkward about her involvement with Michael, who some people think is a very lascivious filmmaker, the way he films women,” LaBeouf said.

I love that his first point of reference for woman-empowerment is the Spice Girls.
LABWAFF: “She was very strong, very empowered — she reminded me of… hmm, who am I thinking of?”  INTERVIEWER: “…The Suffragettes?”
LABWAFF: “Who?  Oh! Charlie’s Angels.”

“Mike films women in a way that appeals to a 16-year-old sexuality. It’s summer. It’s Michael’s style. And I think [Fox] never got comfortable with it. This is a girl who was taken from complete obscurity and placed in a sex-driven role in front of the whole world and told she was the sexiest woman in America. And she had a hard time accepting it. When Mike would ask her to do specific things, there was no time for fluffy talk. We’re on the run. And the one thing Mike lacks is tact. There’s no time for [LaBeouf assumes a gentle voice] ‘I would like you to just arch your back 70 degrees.’”

“As a modern, empowered Baby Spice-Athena, all Megan really wanted was for a man to tell her how many degrees to arch her back.  But Mike, you know, he’s old-school, he’s not into that whole post-feminist discourse.”

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Unbeknownst to the rest of the crew, Michael Bay had personally rigged the sixth skydiver with 30 pounds of C4

Although Michael Bay might be a total cheesedick when it comes to things like “dialog” and “storytelling,” he practically has a Ph.D in demanding that his movies include things that are awesome. In this new video, awesome means stuntmen wingsuit BASE jumping off the Sears Tower (which, to be fair, is reeeeally awesome).  Just released by Moviefone, the Transformers 3 featurette focuses on the making of my favorite scene, the scene where Lieutenant Josh Duhamel of the 101st Xtreme Sports Division, Wingsuit Platoon leads his men on a dangerous BASE jumping mission.  In addition to the wingsuit footage, it shows Michael Bay’s writing process to be just the way I’d always imagined it:

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There’s a new clip from Transformers: Dark of the Moon out (opening July 1st), and it seems as if Michael Bay is finally giving the fans what we’ve long been clamoring for: MORE JOSH DUHAMEL. It’s like someone found a way to bottle pure charisma, and gave it a spiky haircut.  In the clip, Mr. Fergie addresses his troops on the eve of Earth’s destruction, giving the kind of pump-up speech I can only describe as if Bill Pullman in Independence Day had sex with a genetic hybrid of Gene Hackman in Hoosiers and George C. Scott’s Patton, and gave birth to a child that was weaned on milk from Michael Bay’s leopards and only allowed to watch Armageddon.

“Alright, LISTEN UP.  You wanna hit back? We’re gonna have wingsuit in.  It’s the only way to get close.”

We already tried Parkour, BASE jumping, sky surfing, rappelling, kite surfing, boogie boarding, street luging, snowmobiling, snowboarding, wakeboarding, four-wheeling, and mini-bikes, and TRUST ME, THESE GOVERNMENT-ISSUE NEOPRENE FLYING SQUIRREL SUITS ARE THE ONLY WAY!  NOW DROP YOUR C*CKS AND GRAB YOUR SOCKS, MARINES, TONIGHT’S GONNA BE A GOOD NIGHT, OOH RAH-AH AH-AH!

DUHAMEL: “I can’t promise anyone a ride home, but if you’re with me… the world needs ya now.”

TOUGH BLACK SOLDIER: “I’ll find my own ride, sir!”

DUHAMEL: “WHO ELSE?”

EVERYONE: “OVER HERE, SIR!”

DUHAMEL: “THEN HERE WE GO!”

EVERYONE GRAB A RED BULL! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! WE’LL SHOW THESE GODDAMNED GENERAL MOTORS ROBOTS WHAT XTREME MARINES CAN DO, MAZEL TOV!

I always “wingsuit in” to the bedroom.