The only way I could understand Transformers 2 was that it was all an inside joke by the filmmakers.  I mean, there’s no way you film Shia LaBeouf meeting Optimus Prime’s ancestors in robot heaven without giggling the whole time.  But the thing about Michael Bay is that he never breaks character. His recent interview in the Wall Street Journal is either amazingly Freudian or a work of Andy Kaufman-level genius.

It’s interesting that you say you want to focus on acting. Megan Fox has criticized your films for being special-effects-driven and not offering so many acting opportunities. Do you agree?

Well, that’s Megan Fox for you. She says some very ridiculous things because she’s 23 years old and she still has a lot of growing to do [**Bay cups hands in front of chest and winks** -Ed]. You roll your eyes when you see statements like that and think, “Okay Megan, you can do whatever you want. I got it.” But I 100% disagree with her. Nic Cage wasn’t a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in “Armageddon.” [keep in mind both Nic Cage and Ben Affleck were Oscar winners before they worked with Bay] Shia LaBeouf wasn’t a big movie star before he did “Transformers”—and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from “Bad Boys.” Nobody in the world knew about Megan Fox until I found her and put her in “Transformers.” I like to think that I’ve had some luck in building actors’ careers with my films. [WSJ]

What an amazing answer.  When you break it down, it’s basically, “How could you say my movies are effects driven?  That’s 100% false.  Remember Nic Cage? Ben Affleck? Shia LaBeouf?  I BLEW THEM UP!  …Wow, she really said I can’t explode stuff good, huh?  I’ll show her. I’ll show them all.”

(Transformers 2: You Can’t Even Tell Who’s Fighting)

Five days after opening in the U.S., Transformers 2 has earned $387.2 million dollars worldwide.  Domestically, it earned $201.2 million, becoming the second-highest five-day gross ever behind The Dark Knight ($203.8).  And keep in mind it opened on a Wednesday.

The five-day opening gross of $201.2 million from 4,234 theaters domestically easily eclipsed the $152.4 million earned by “Spider-Man 2,” which previously held the five-day record for a Wednesday launch.  Overseas, the action tentpole opened to an estimated $162 million, the fourth best international opening of all time, after “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” ($216.3 million), “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” ($193 million) and “Spider-Man 3″ ($164.9 million).

Despite negative reviews, more than 90% of those polled as they left theaters said the sequel was as good as, or better than, the first. [Variety]

I find that poll hard to believe, but knowing the audience for this film I’m not sure those polled were capable of understanding the question.  I saw Transformers on Saturday afternoon.  Before the movie started, the groups of kids directly in front of me and behind me were both playing video games (with the sound on) on their PSPs.  Then throughout the movie, of the three white kids sitting in front of me, two were texting the entire movie and one actually answered his phone during.  The two black dudes to my left yelled at the screen the whole time, and on my right, there was a Hispanic woman translating everything into Spanish for her husband.  Everywhere children were crying or yelling or whining about going to the bathroom, and I was convinced that at any second, a kid with a propeller beanie and giant lollypop would run down the aisle smearing everyone’s face with chocolate.  Long story short, I thought the film was pretty terrible, but given the atmosphere I might not have been the best audience for a movie about saving humanity.

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Opening this weekend:

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
What’s all this, then?  I haven’t heard anything about it.

My Sister’s Keeper
Oh yeah, this movie is jerking my tears so good.  Haha, seriously though, this looks like an epic sh*tpile.  It’s about a little girl with cancer and littler girl created to provide her with new organs.  And Cameron Diaz.  Gets extra points for putting the line “From the moment we decided to genetically conceive I suppose it was our fault,” in the trailer.  Classic.

The Hurt Locker
Haven’t seen this yet, myself, but I’ve heard almost universally good things about it.  It’s running 96% recommended on RottenTomatoes and sounds like an all-around ass-puckering war flick.  Plus the title makes a great all-purpose euphemism.  “Show us on the doll where daddy touched you, did he put it in your hurt locker?”  Or “Shut up, you little sh*ts or else you’re going in the hurt locker again.  Yeah, yeah, that’s what I thought.”

(“We sleep in bunk beds.”)

Michael Bay has been taking a lot of heat lately for his jive-talking, illiterate, gold-tooth wearing minstrel bots, and FilmSchoolRejects recently got a chance to ask Transformers screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman about it.

FSR: I heard that the gold tooth was Michael Bay’s idea, but do you have any response to those who found The Twins offensive?
Orci: Number one, we sympathize. Yes, the gold tooth was not in the script, that’s true.
Kurtzman: It’s really hard for us to sit here and try to justify it. I think that would be very foolish, and if someone wants to be offended by it, it’s their right. We were very surprised when we saw it, too, and it’s a choice that was made. If anything, it just shows you that we don’t control every aspect of the movie.
FSR: Were you offended by them?
Kurtzman: I wasn’t thrilled. I certainly wasn’t thrilled.
Orci: Yeah, same reaction. I’m not easily offended, but when I saw it, I thought, ‘Someone’s gonna write about that.’”

If you’ve ever seen a press-tour interview, you know it’s almost impossible to get anything out of movie people other than glowing, unoriginal, embarrassing praise.  In the movie business, acknowledging a disagreement and saying “I wasn’t thrilled” is tantamount to calling someone a devil-worshipping holocaust denier.  But that’s why it’s nice to work with Michael Bay.  You know you can say anything you want about him in a print interview, because he’ll probably be too busy shopping for gold teeth to see it, and anyway he can barely read.  True story.

Lots of people review Transformers, but few of them filter every aspect of the film through an all-encompassing fundamentalist worldview, and that’s where Focus on the Family comes in.  Set phasers to “tisking sound.”

The first time the Transformers motored into theaters, we were dismayed by the film’s sexual content. This time around, we’re appalled.

Let’s start with Alice, an apparently beautiful college student with an eye on Sam. Alice tries every way possible to seduce the lad. She dresses in the sultriest of outfits and makes sure Sam gets the best possible look at her attributes. She coos and pouts and makes suggestive comments.

When that doesn’t work, she straddles him on his bed—obviously intent upon having sex—starts kissing him and “reveals” more of herself, so to speak. But Alice’s big reveal isn’t what Sam has been led to believe. A metallic appendage snakes out of the bottom of her dress (we see Alice’s underwear) and later out of her mouth (her tongue is still attached to the end). She’s a Decepticon with rather freakish sexual intentions, it seems.

Indeed, the Decepticons as a whole have grown more sexualized since the last movie. One huge robot displays two dangling orbs that are meant to resemble testicles. Another, smaller critter wraps itself around Mikaela’s leg quite suggestively.

Characters also make crass references involving testicles, pubic hair and other intimate body parts. A guy crudely propositions a college girl by comparing his anatomy to the meat pizza he’s carrying. Two pairs of people end up unconscious in compromising positions (including two guys in one instance). A professor flirts suggestively. Leo, Sam’s roommate, asks if he can watch Sam and Alice have sex. Some people walk by a store with a neon “Porn” sign in the window. And we see a character’s nearly bare backside while he’s wearing a thong. Sam and Mikaela kiss and cuddle.

A good drinking game is to have someone read fundie movie reviews aloud and every time he says “suggestive” you have to chug your beer.  Sadly, the review never addresses the minstrelbots, but if it did I imagine it’d go something like this: “Using the two robots obssessed with street culture as comic relief is fine and dandy indeed, but we can’t help but think the filmmakers missed out on a rather golden opportunity to remind kids that negroes can be dangerous.”