Here we have the trailer for Diana, and not a moment too soon. You can never have too many films about British royalty, I always say. (Note: I do not say that). Diana is directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel, director of the meme-infamous Downfall and its constantly repurposed Hitler scene, and promises to tell the story of how she was famous and blonde and beloved the world over for being famous and blonde. Wasn’t she glamorous?? Remember how she was constantly photographed?? And then suddenly, she was tragic and dead and famous and blonde, and for a time was the most tragic dead famous blonde in the world. The soundtrack, if I’m not mistaken, is Elton John’s “Candle In the Wind,” which was originally written for Marilyn Monroe, but can really be applied to any tragic dead famous blonde. RIP, Di, a shining example of how famous fame can make you.

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SMAUG! SMAUG! SMAUG SMAUG SMAUG SMAUG! EVERYBODAAAAYY! That’s right, the first trailer for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is finally here. And it’s got weird subtitles! This trailer really has everything: Hobbits in trees, dwarves in barrels, dwarves in barrels going down waterfalls, eyebrows, crappy titles, agile elves, dreadlocks, characters eschewing prepositions, gold-hoarding dragons, gay-acting Hobbits, and glitter, glitter everywhere. It’s New York’s hottest night club!

New faces in this leg of the journey include: Evangeline Lilly’s elf warrior Tauriel; Lee Pace’s Elvenking Thranduil; Mikael Persbrandt’s skin-changing Beorn; Luke Evans as Bard The Bowman; Stephen Fry as Master Of Lake Town, Orlando Bloom returns as Legolas, and guess who’s voicing Smaug? That’s right, Benedict Freakin’ Cumberbatch, which means that you’ll finally be able enjoy the gravitas of his voice without being distracted by his awkwardly-moving lips.

Rejoice, Hobbit lovers! Because on December 13th, Smaugs. Will. Desolate. (*WUB WUB WUB*) (*EXPLOSION*) (*CAT GIF*) I wish you all the three hours of grotesque character design and unfulfilled narrative that your hearts desire. Me, I’ll probably being looking to spend that time doing something more interesting, like watch the new C-Span channel about paint drying.

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The last time Woody Allen went a full calendar year without releasing a movie he’d written was 1976, between Love and Death and Annie Hall, when he starred in The Front. The man is clearly insane, and his latest effort is called Blue Jasmine. Cate Blanchett plays a snobby New York housewife whose husband Alec Baldwin loses the fortune, forcing her to move in with her sister in San Francisco, where a cup of coffee will only cost you $6.95. Andrew Dice Clay has a bit part – which sounds weird, though I’ve always thought of him as one of the more actorsy of comedians – as does Bobby Cannavalle (Gyp Rosetti from Boardwalk Empire). It must ease Cate Blanchett’s transition that everyone in San Francisco talks like a mechanic from Brooklyn.

Related: Every Woody Allen stammer from every Woody Allen movie.

In case your day was going too well, professional joke ruiners Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg are back with a trailer for The Starving Games, a play on The Hunger Games so lazy and shitty that it wouldn’t have made the brainstorming session at Geico’s ad department. Things they lazily include poorly-executed references to include: Avatar, 3D, GI Joe, The Avengers, 50 Shades of Grey, Angry Birds, and of course, Gangnam Style. Of f*cking course. This trailer is so bad I stubbed my toe, got a papercut, broke the yolk on the egg I was frying and emailed dick pics to my boss. I’m just sad Mel Brooks had to live long enough to see this.

IMDB doesn’t yet list a US distributor, but financing was apparently provided by Film Production Capital, founded by William D. French and Stephen G. Roberts.

BOO THESE MEN!

Lending money to Seltzer-Friedberg should be viewed as a business practice nearly on par with dumping toxic waste in the groundwater.

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Irvine Welsh’s Filth, written five years after his first novel, Trainspotting, is sort of like a twisted take on Bad Lieutenant, a book about a corrupt policeman partially narrated by his tapeworm. And it’s Scottish, so you know when they say filth that it’s truly filthy. There’s a film adaptation due this year from director Jon S. Baird, who’s little known in the US, starring James McAvoy as Bruce Robinson. The new red-band trailer, with twice as much footage as the last one, is below.

James McAvoy seems like a bit of a boy scout to be playing such a part, but the trailer compensates by depicting him doing drugs, drugging drinks, masturbating in a stall (while screaming, as I like to do), banging hookers, choking hookers, photocopying his penis, puking, pooping, partying with dwarves, and getting a blowjob from a little girl. It opens in the UK in September and still doesn’t have a US release date. It’s hard to imagine a film with this despicable a protagonist getting much of a US release, but if Danny Masterson is still getting work, I can believe anything.

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