Is there going to be a superhero movie where the hero DOESN’T start out all beardy and disheveled at the beginning of the trailer? If so, it won’t be Wolverine in The Wolverine, who’s already kind of beardy and disheveled to begin with, but still manages to start this new trailer EVEN MORE BEARDY AND DISHEVELEDER. GET A JOB, WOLVERINE! THE BUMS LOST!

“Go away, I have at least 15 more minutes of pretending not to be interested in fighting.”

You wonder if they do that in superhero movies hoping that it’ll somehow even out when the guy has to run around in tights later. But not Wolverine, he doesn’t do gay stuff like spandex tights. He wears leather and rides a motorcycle and chomps a big penis-shaped cigar because he’s super tough. GRRR, FOOTBALL!

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Here we have the trailer for Last Vegas, directed by Jon Turteltaub (National Treasure, Sorcerer’s Apprentice) and written by Adam Brooks (Bridget Jones Diary, Practical Magic) and Dan Fogelman (Crazy Stupid Love, Fred Claus), a creative dream team united by their love of collecting easy paychecks. Like all horrible paycheck movies, everything you need to know about it is in the title. Four old guys – Robert Deniro, Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, and Kevin Kline – are getting back together for one wild weekend in Vegas for Michael Douglas’s bachelor party, and to the actors’ credit, none of them seem to mind that Al Pacino and Christopher Walken already made this movie like three months ago. Like an uncredited sequel to Michael Haneke’s Amour, it’s an unflinching look at the ravages of Father Time, who’ll gradually take away everything you have, starting with the ability to recognize when a script is patronizing you.

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Guillermo Del Toro’s Pacific Rim has a new trailer out, and, as Del Toro told the audience at the Los Angeles Times Hero Complex Film Festival where he premiered it over the weekend:

If I showed you all the money shots [in Pacific Rim], you’d have a 70 minute orgasm.

That’s right, a 70-minute orgasm. Or as Sting calls it, “the kind of pathetic, unfulfilling sex I was having back in grade school.”

You can watch the new trailer below, which is basically more of the same. Not that I can complain when “the same” includes giant robots smashing pterodactyl monsters in the face with a battleship. This trailer provides a little more exposition, including the mind-meld link between the robot jox… er, jaeger pilots… and the new tagline, “GO BIG… OR GO EXTINCT.” I would’ve gone with “THIS SUMMER… PUNCH YOUR PROBLEMS IN THE FACE”, but what do I know.

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With last year’s disappointing Seeking a Friend for the End of the World and the impending release of This is the End next month, end-of-the-world narratives are all the rage in comedy. With This is the End starring every comedy actor in Hollywood, I hardly even heard about Rapture-Palooza, starring Anna Kendrick, Craig Robinson, FilmDrunk favorite Rob Huebel, and the horse-toothed kid from Freaks and Geeks. This one’s less about the imminent apocalypse than it is about living on a post-Biblical rapture Earth, with blood rain, talking crows, and the Devil (played by Robinson). Rapture-Palooza hits theaters and VOD at the same time June 7th, which usually isn’t a good sign, but… dare I say it… this one actually looks… funnier than This is the End? I dunno, man, I guess I’m a sucker for vulgar crows.

“Can I get you anything? Corn on the cob? Sausage? Other dick-shaped foods?”

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Get that bitch a headbutt. Bitches love headbutts.

So many films depict their protagonists acquiring superpowers, and then go on to depict them doing something totally unrealistic with them, like helping the needy or fighting bad guys. In About Time, from Notting Hill/Bridget Jones/Love Actually writer Richard Curtis, 21-year-old protagonist Tim, played by Domhnall Gleeson, finds out from his dad Bill Nighy that he, like all the men in his family, has the power to time travel. So what does Tim do? Does he kill Hitler? Talk Mao out of the great leap forward? Cure his grandma’s lung cancer by making sure she never started smoking in the first place? No, he does what any horse-faced limey ape in his situation would do: he uses his powers to get his greasy ginger hands on Rachel McAdams’ sweet, sweet butt meat. Realistic.

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