Opening this weekend (click titles for reviews, trailer after the jump)
The Box
Frank Langella has a box and if you press the button you get some money, but someone in the world also dies. So what’s the catch again? And how much are we talking, like a twenty spot, or less?
A Christmas Carol
A digital Jim Carrey stars in Robert Zemeckis’ latest attempt to make motion-capture happen. Dude, just film the damn actors, this computer crap looks stupid.
The Fourth Kind
Milla Jovovich and, uh, alien possession or something. I’m a little disappointing with the trailer because I know the first kind is golden showers, the second kind is poo play, and I was kind of intrigued to find out what the fourth kind was. Had my fingers crossed for some sort of shomit bukkake.
Men Who Stare at Goats
George Clooney, The Dude, Ewan Macgregor, goats — what’s not to like? I had high hopes, but the reviews haven’t been too good so far. And now I definitely won’t see it because I trust those fat, disgusting, know-it-all shut-ins like they were my brothers.
Precious
An inner-city girl goes on a quest for the magic ring that turned her fat so she can throw it off a mountain. Just kidding, of course, except the part about her being really fat. Supposed to be good, but then Oprah and Tyler Perry are involved and screw them.
(It’s a turn on, because who hasn’t wanted to choke Kate Hudson?)
After the jump I’ve got the extended, American Film Market trailer for Michael Winterbottom’s A Killer Inside Me. I’m a little torn on whether to advise you to watch it, since it seems to give away the entire movie, but holy crap is it also awesomely disturbing. Some of the stuff that happens:
Bottom line, this was all sort of disturbing and I didn’t know whether to jerk off or curl up like a baby and suck my thumb. So I did both.
UPDATE: I realize the video I added originally didn’t work for some people, so I attached a new YouTube version.
(”Fill up momma’s wine glass and I’ll show you what I like to call the Streeptease.”)
Writer/Director Nancy Meyers writes the kind of movies (What Women Want, Something’s Gotta Give, The Holiday) that my mom forces me to watch that I end up resenting her for a little bit. This is the new trailer for her latest, starring Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Alec Baldwin (good), whose title is a copy of either a Facebook relationship status, an Avril Lavigne song, or a Denise Richards reality show (bad). Coming Christmas Day, It’s Complicated. Have you ever wanted to hear Alec Baldwin deliver lines that start with “O M G”? (no) Did you ever wish you’d see Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin making out in an elevator? (no) Were you hoping Steve Martin would get hip to webcam chat? (no) Well then this movie is for you! (not me).
I thought the first trailer for Universal’s CGI, 3D animated Despicable Me was interesting because it didn’t give away too much of the plot. Then again, I forgot it almost as soon as I posted it so what do I know. This is the second trailer, which seems to have a completely different plot than the first. This one makes it seem like it’s about Steve Carell’s villain character, Gru (who apparently speaks with a Russian accent the whole time), and his rivalry with a better super villain; the last one seemed to be about Gru’s plan to steal the world’s monuments. Then there’s the synopsis about Gru adopting some orphan girls. But it’s all more or less irrelevant because there’s a nut shot in the trailer, and you know my rule about nut shots in the trailer. Nut shots in the trailer are up there with the presence of Cam Gigandet when it comes to surefire predictors of a movie’s suckitude.
Also familiar with nut shots in a trailer? Your mom. (Because she lives in a trailer, you see.)
RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s the best computer animated film for adults?
This is the first trailer for Salt (this one’s in English, though a Russian-dubbed one was making the rounds yesterday). It made the “Black List” (the list of the best unproduced screenplays as voted on by Hollywood types) back in 2007, when it was called Edwin A. Salt, and was set to star Tom Cruise in a film by Michael Mann. Mann later dropped out and Hancock director Peter Berg joined the project. Then Cruise dropped out and they hired Quiet American director Phillip Noyce, and re-wrote Cruise’s part for Angelina Jolie, whose character is now named Evelyn A. Salt, which is a shame because everyone knows only c-nty Women Studies professors are named “Evelyn.”
Finally we get a trailer, featuring Jolie opposite Liev Shrieber and Chiwetel Ejiofor, in what looks like a pretty run-of-the-mill thriller, in which the main character may or may not be a Russian spy. It seems like a perfect fit for Cruise, I wonder why he dropped out. I can think of only one explanation — there must’ve been gay people in there. So come on, fess up, who was it? Was it you, Liev? Chuy? Tom Cruise needs to know so he can avoid you.
