Mirror, mirror on the tits... I mean, wall. WALL!

Relativity’s Mirror Mirror, directed by Tarsem and starring Julia Roberts, cost approximately $85 million to make and has grossed nearly twice that thanks to a strong international showing. But here in the States, where Mirror Mirror only made $61 million, it’s considered a dud. So the pressure of this classic tale’s success now rests on the shoulders of Snow White and The Huntsman, which hits theaters on June 1.

However, Disney doesn’t really seem to care about Universal’s pending success or demise, because the House of Mouse is calling it quits on its own Snow White update, The Order of the Seven, which re-imagines Snow and the dwarves as samurais. Damn, I was hoping for unicorn cyborgs.

This film had Soairse Ronan aboard to play the lead female in a film that took place in Asia, with a samurai theme and an international cast. The project has been gestating at the studio for a decade… the picture imploded over a budget in the $150 million range or higher… (Via Deadline)

I don’t understand why this had to be a Snow White film. Why couldn’t it just be a story about a Japanese girl who is cast from her kingdom by an evil emperor, only to join up with a band of shamed or ronin samurai who train her to fight and arm her as they impossibly take on a massive army to overcome and save the kingdom and free the enslaved people?

Hold on, someone in a limousine just threw a brick with a note tied to it through my window.

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If my high school years taught me anything, it’s that F. Scott’s Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby is about 215 pages long and not nearly as entertaining as Beavis & Butthead. Fortunately for today’s lazy AP English nerds, Gatsby is now a Baz Luhrmann film starring Leonardo DiCaprio as the titular man whom Thornton Melon once referred to as “great”.

DiCaprio’s Jay Gatsby re-woos Carey Mulligan’s Daisy Buchanan, while Tobey Maguire’s Nick Carraway and Isla Fisher’s Myrtle Wilson do whatever it is that they did in that book that you know you only read the Cliff’s Notes for, so quit acting like you’re excited to see it. Also, Gemma Ward has a small role in the film and I’m an admirer of some of her other work.

But now The Great Gatsby has a trailer and you can see just how Baz-Luhrmann-esque it all is, complete with a Jay Z soundtrack, because I hear he was huge in 1919.

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Worse than a Dutch oven.

Between Madea’s Family Reunion, Madea Goes to Jail and Madea’s Big Happy Family, Tyler Perry has grossed roughly $207 million just at the box office. That doesn’t include his other dozen or so films that have all raised somewhere between $35 and $90 million each, but it’s all the reason he needs to unleash yet another tale of the tough-talking, cross-dressing grandmother. This time, though, Madea is helping her FBI agent nephew, who needs her to keep an eye on Eugene Levy’s family, as the mob is after them, hence Madea’s Witness Protection. Go ahead, camp out for your tickets now.

So why then is the mob about to taste Madea’s pain?

For years, George Needleman (Levy), the gentle CFO of a Wall Street investment bank, has been living with his head in the clouds. His frustrated second wife, Kate (Richards), has reached her limit taking care of his senile mother, Barbara (Roberts). His teenage daughter, Cindy (Danielle Campbell), is spoiled beyond hope and his seven-year-old son, Howie (Devan Leos), wishes his father were around more. But George is finally forced to wake up when he learns that his firm, Lockwise Industries, has been operating a mob-backed Ponzi scheme – and that he’s been set up as the fall guy.

Huh? Wha? How did I get out on this building’s ledge?

Facing criminal charges and death threats from the mob, George and his entire family are put under witness protection in the safest place that Brian (Perry), a federal prosecutor from Atlanta, can think of…

His Aunt Madea’s house down South.

*repeated record scratch*

As a result, Madea and her live-in brother, Uncle Joe (Perry), find themselves managing a completely dysfunctional family from Connecticut. But as George tries to solve the mystery behind Lockwise’s finances, Madea whips the Needlemans into shape using her hilarious brand of tough love. And together, they realize they just might have what it takes to unite George’s family, outsmart the mob and change everyone’s lives for the better.

What I have a problem with is the idea of the FBI leaving an important witness and his family in the hands of a convicted felon. This is how our justice system falls apart, damn it. But perhaps the brand new trailer can give us some insight into the hilarity of Perry’s latest trip to the ATM.

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"Yo I ain't know what I be told, but werkin' and twerkin' ain't gettin old."

For months now, we’ve been patiently waiting and occasionally break dancing to get a glimpse of the upcoming Steven Soderbergh film, Magic Mike. We know, of course, that Magic Mike is the brain child of Channing Tatum, as the story of a male stripper who has the world at his finger tips was loosely based on his own experiences as an exotic dancer before he got caught up in this Hollyweird game.

Finally, late last night, the first trailer was released for Magic Mike, and I know it’s a little early, but let’s get the Source Awards on line 1, please. C-Tates plays Mike, the most popular stripper in the game (although Tatum is from Alabama, so I imagine that wasn’t a hard game to win), and he takes noob dick-shaker Alex Pettyfer under his oiled wings, in the same main vein as his mentor Matthew McConaughey – in what looks like the highest performance of his career.

Ultimately, this is a tale of a man looking for something more, and he is inspired by the one woman who wants him to shake his junk in her face not for money, but for love. So he has to choose between a life of endless rich, white, 20-something women begging him for sex – which is obviously a dead-on portrayal of the male stripper life – or creating his own coffee tables and settling down. It really is the classic American love story.

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Funny, people who wear novelty belt buckles are high on my kill list.

Back in January, Vince brought us the first trailer for God Bless America, a new film written and directed by Bobcat Goldthwait, and he flipped his scarf and gave us this opinion:

All the reality show parodies look amazing, but the plot of the movie seems… I don’t know, a little Cho Seung-Hui for my tastes.

While I didn’t know what that meant back then and I still don’t know now because I’m too lazy to Google the reference, there have since been another trailer and a clip released for the film, which hits theaters on May 11 but is currently available On Demand, and I think it looks pretty solid. In fact, if I could put on my Peter Travers glasses for a second, I’d say that it looks like Falling Down meets 50/50 meets UHF. Feel free to use that in commercials, Bobcat.

Check out the clip and trailer for yourself after the jump, but I’d say my only complaint is that the acting looks a little choppy. But the idea itself? Let’s just hope people don’t find this film inspirational, for the Kardashians’ sake.

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