This is the trailer for The Taking of Pelham 123 which is actually a remake of a 1974 film about a subway hijacking starring Walter Matthau. In this latest version, John Travolta and Denzell Washington play a couple of regular, working-class Joe Wifebeaters. You can tell by their facial hair, you see. Anyway, this movie looks pretty boring. But you know what wouldn’t be? An Asian kid named “Denzell.” Think about it.
Fanboys is the many times delayed, much-discussed film about a group of guys who break into George Lucas’ Skywalker Ranch to steal a print of Episode I for a dying friend. I won’t get into to the behind the scenes squabbles because they’re boring and mostly involve unattractive people, but suffice to say it opens February 6th 2009 after originally being set for August 2007. The film also features Kristen Bell in a slave Leia outfit, which is apparently a selling point for some people. So far she seems to me like another Jessica Alba, someone who’s cute but not nearly hot enough to justify how uninteresting I find her. She also appears to about three apples tall.
Having not seen this movie yet, I give it two “Mehs” and half a dismissive wanking motion.
See what I did there with the headline? I know, pretty clever, right?
After the jump I’ve got the full trailer for Beer for My Horses, co-written, produced, and starring Toby Keith. Keith plays a truck-drivin, wigger-batin’, small-town Deputy named… wait for it… Rack Rattlin, paired with an inept partner played by Rodney Carrington. Get it? It’s funny because it’s comfortably familiar!
Braindead dipshits like Toby Keith are nothing if not predictable, so the antagonists are naturally Mexicans. Go git ‘em, Toby, they took yer jobs! Of course, hijinks ensue and Toby makes sure to act real tough in the hopes that maybe people will forget his name’s Toby. I can’t wait!
This is the trailer for The Cottage, starring Andy Serkis, Jennifer Ellison, and other British people I’ve never heard of. It’s set for a March 14th release in the UK.
THE COTTAGE is a relentless dark comedy with an extreme twist. Set in a remote part of the countryside, a bungled kidnapping turns into a living nightmare for our four central characters when they cross paths with a psychopathic farmer and all hell breaks loose.
I’m not sure what the extreme twist is. The countryside? The kidnapping? The hell? The nightmare? To me, it looks more cheesy than anything else! HAHAHAHA, COTTAGE CHEESE, GET IT?
Sorry, it was either that or Andy Serkis? More like Andy Circus.
Being that I enjoy few things more than sweaty man wrestling, I was watching UFC Fight Night live last night and was able to catch this, the trailer for Never Back Down. Basically, Never Back Down is to mixed martial arts as How She Move is to… uh, steppin?
Set against the action-packed world of Mixed Martial Arts, NEVER BACK DOWN is the story of Jake Tyler, a tough kid who leads with his fists, and, often, with his heart. Jake Tyler, played by Sean Faris, is the new kid in town with a troubled past. He has recently moved to Orlando, Florida with his family who has [sic] relocated to support his younger brother’s shot at a professional tennis career. Jake was a star athlete on the football team at home, but in this new city he is an outsider with a reputation for being a quick tempered brawler. Making an attempt to fit in, at the invitation of a flirtatious classmate, Baja (Amber Heard) [Baja? Is that an attempt to subtly imply that she goes down?] Jake goes to a party where he is unwittingly pulled into a fight with a bully named Ryan McDonald (Cam Gigandet). While he is defeated and humiliated in the fight, a classmate introduces himself to Jake and tells him about the sport known as Mixed Marshall [sic] Arts (MMA). He sees a star in Jake and asks that he meet with his mentor, Jean Roqua, played by Djimon Hounsou (Blood Diamond, In America). It is immediately apparent to Jake that MMA is not street fighting, but rather an art form he wants to master. Roqua will take Jake under his wing, but it is up to Jake to find the patience, discipline, willingness and reason within him to succeed. For Jake, there is much more at stake than mere victory. His decision will not just settle a score; it will define who he is. [From Apple.com]
Oh boy, what can I say about that one? Some things make satire obsolete. Break out the tribal tattoos and Fox racing gear. GRR, RAP METAL’S STILL COOL!
