Because I know that we’re all on the edges of our seats for the release of Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, Vivid Video has a new trailer available on its website that boasts other such celebrity sex tape superstars like Kim Kardashian, Mindy McCready, Chyna, Shauna Sand, Carissa Shannon, Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, Montana Fishburne and Vince Neil, among others. And just like all of those other celebrity sex tapes *wink, wink, wink, wink* this one was totally never meant to be seen by the public.

Except we know that it was, because Farrah Abraham, one of the stars of MTV’s Teen Mom, was paid an estimated $1.5 million for her efforts, depending on which reports you believe, and her sex tape co-star is James Deen, who is arguably the most recognizable male porn star in the business today. And he said it was staged, as was their fake relationship, and then she responded by telling TMZ that he has a small penis, which was hilarious because he’s a porn star.

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When you think coming-of-age tales about teenage girls, you don’t typically think about sharp-witted assassins and brutal murder-for-hire, but that’s absolutely the case for Violet and Daisy, which stars Saoirse Ronan and Alexis Bledel. Obsessed with a pop idol named Barbie Sunday, the titular BFFs are everything you’d expect from teenage girls in the big city, except instead of babysitting and pet-watching for extra cash, they’re killing people.

And because they need money to buy the latest Barbie Sunday fashion, they take on a seemingly easy mark (James Gandolfini), only to find out that there’s much more than meets the eye to this gig. Honestly, I can’t remember ever watching a trailer for a film about assassins and thinking, “My God, that looks so sweet and inspiring.” What can I say? I’ve got the soul of an old romantic.

Danny Trejo also stars, so I believe that we are required by law to see this.

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“HOW… do I get up from here? Seriously, help.”

Another day, another summer blockbuster trailer, friends. It’s almost as if it’s about time to unleash one of my award-winning Summer Movie Guides on us. What? A piece of paper with my dog’s paw print stamped on it is an award. You’re just jealous you don’t have one.

Anyway, in keeping with today’s theme of this year’s big action films that look awfully familiar, the newest trailer for The Lone Ranger has arrived, and it features Johnny Depp at his most face-painted while Armie Hammer continues his transition into a leading man whose name I refuse to believe is real.

I couldn’t help but think of The Legend of Zorro and Wild Wild West while watching this trailer, between the unlikely goofball team of heroes, fancy gadgets and all the explosions. But neither of those movies had a white guy pretending to be a Native American by wearing a bird on his head, so what the heck do I know?

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“We came here to *fart noise* and kick ass and we’re all out of *record scratch*.”

Adam Sandler, Kevin James, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Chris Rock and the rest of the Happy Madison cronies are back for the sequel to my 2010 pick for the Worst Movie of the Year and, with the glaring exception of That’s My Boy, possibly the worst movie Sandler has ever made, Grown Ups. The trailer for Grown Ups 2 hit the web yesterday, and if you’re wondering how low the brow is for this alleged comedy, it takes roughly :53 for a deer to show up and piss on Sandler’s face.

For some reason – I’m assuming public torture – Lenny Feder and his crew have moved back to their hometown, and as they’re reminiscing about the good old days, they find themselves tormented by “Frat Boy Andy” (Taylor Lautner) and his bro (and eventual gay lover, if my Happy Madison research is correct) “Frat Boy Milo” (Milo Ventimiglia). If they don’t make at least one “farternity” joke, I will probably have a shock-induced stroke.

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The flames are coming from my hopes and dreams, which just exploded.

The worst part about April 1 is that you know from the start that you’re in for an entire day of people trying to convince you that they’re pregnant or dying, because most people are unoriginal and lame. But some people manage to be unique and clever with their April Fool’s pranks, like, for example, the folks at Omaze who almost made me think that I could bid on creating my own breed of dog, so much that I sold my car and wrote “DRAGON PUPPY” on a piece of paper.

Also clever is the latest trailer for This is the End, the super meta tale of a group of friends facing the end of the world, with James Franco, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, Jay Baruchel, Danny McBride and Craig Robinson, among others, all playing fictional versions of themselves. The trailer, however, leads us to believe that we’re getting a sequel to Pineapple Express, and some people – mostly stoners with kitten t-shirts – are pretty bummed that we’re not.

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