As of five minutes ago when I was writing my Weekend Preview post, Toy Story 3 had 134 positive reviews and no negative ones on RottenTomatoes.  But that was before Armond White of the NYPress came along.  I have to give Movieline some credit here, because it was just this morning that they were wondering, “Will Armond White write the first bad Toy Story review?”  Wonder no more.  He has.

Bored Game
Toy Story 3 suckers fans to think they can accept this drivel
Toy Story 3 is so besotted with brand names and product-placement that it stops being about the innocent pleasures of imagination—the usefulness of toys—and strictly celebrates consumerism.
None of these digital-cartoon characters reflect human experience; it’s essentially a bored game that only the brainwashed will buy into. Besides, Transformers 2 already explored the same plot to greater thrill and opulence.
While Toy Story 3’s various hazards and cliffhangers evidence more creativity than typical Pixar product (an inferno scene was promising, Lotsa Hugs’ cannily evokes mundane insensitivity), I admit to simply not digging the toys-come-to-life fantasy (I don’t babysit children, so I don’t have to) nor their inevitable repetition of narrative formula: the gang of animated, talking objects journey from one place to another and back—again and again.

Dissing Toy Story 3 while praising Transformers 2‘s “opulence”? Check. (Said Michael Bay: “F*CK YEAH! Wait, that’s good, right?”)  Doubling down on the Toy Story 3 diss by saying it still sucks less than most Pixar movies?  Double check.  Oh but wait, he’s not done.  He works even more Toy Story 3 hate into his Jonah Hex review (…which he liked).

Entrusted to direct the Jonah Hex screenplay by groundbreaking team Neveldine & Taylor, director Jimmy Hayward brings to it the visual craft and genre savvy he learned as an animator on Toy Story and Toy Story 2 and as a writer and sequence-director on the animated feature Robots. So, although Jonah Hex doesn’t effervesce like Neveldine & Taylor’s own avant-garde innovations, Crank and Crank: High Voltage, Hayward yet makes it pell-mell; it’s still got N&T’s anarchic spirit. That alone makes Jonah Hex the best movie to open this week—easily overshadowing Toy Story 3.

Wow, dude.  That is some epic trolling.  Five stars.  “Apocalypse Now?  Drivel.  It just didn’t effervesce like Pluto Nash.  For me it’s all about the effervescingness. You probably wouldn’t understand.”

UPDATE: Yahoo just posted the full trailer, which I’ve included above.

Here’s the new teaser for Toy Story 3, even though I don’t really care.  Out of all of Pixar’s movies, this one just seems like the one that least needed a sequel.  Anyway, it’s still Pixar, so I’m sure it can’t be too bad if you just need something to entertain your dumb wiener kids for a few hours.  Still, I think I’d rather see some kind of neo-noir called Sex Toy Story.

RABBIT VIBRATOR: *running in circles* Oh boy oh boy oh boy, it’s Friday night!  Don’t you guys just love Friday nights?

GRIZZLED OLD SCUZZ-COVERED BUTT PLUG walks up smoking a cigarette.

GOSCBUP: *sigh* Kid, when ya get to be my age, Friday’s ain’t nuttin but an unwelcome reminduh of a head fulla bad memories.  *takes drag*  Oh da tings I seen… *shudders, hacks up phlegm*

FRENCH TICKLER: Teepical lazee Americaain.  I long for za day when carpet were long and Fronch teeckeler ruled zee bedroom!

ANAL BEADS:  EVERYBODY QUIET!  We have to spin around 17 times and count to 112 or else it’ll be a terrible night and you’ve interrupted our counting!

THAI BOY jumps out of closet

THAI BOY: SUPPLIES!

Get it?  Because the beads are anal?  Yeah, yeah, I know where the corner is.

Okay, so it turns out this was already a Mad TV sketch.  I’m gonna go kill myself now.

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Pixar has made movies a lot better than Toy Story so I’m not sure why this is the one that’s getting two sequels.  But as your sister’s tramp stamp says, c’est la vie.  Anyway, here’s an exclusive clip that’s playing on ABC Family. If you’re interested, I’d recommend watching it now before it gets yanked faster than your dad at the strip club.  Director Lee Unkrich introduces it, and you can tell he’s working really hard because he’s wearing a t-shirt.  The plot, as always, concerns the toys and whether they’ll get tossed in the garbage now that the kid’s too old for them.  Which is dumb if you ask me.  I’m way older than that kid and my favorite toys are still a Buzz and a Woody.

[via CHUD]

Tada, it’s the trailer for Toy Story 3. Probably none of the creative team actually wanted to make a Toy Story 3, but then your mom probably doesn’t like blowing dudes on the corner either.  …Okay, bad example.  Point is, money.  Anyway, forced to come up with a plot, it seems Disney-Pixar stole a page from the Transformers 2 playbook, in that the story begins with the kid about to go off to college.  What are his old toys to do now that he no longer needs them?  But rather than crying or humping Megan Fox’s leg or perpetuating ugly racial stereotypes, the toys get sent off to a daycare center, where they get yanked and sucked and licked and fondled roughly against their will — pretty much like an evening at Roman Polanski’s house.  HEYO! Haha, good one, Jay.  So then, the toys decide to escape the daycare center, and yadda yadda yadda, Tim Allen becomes Mexican.  Trust me, it doesn’t seem nearly as racist as it did in person.

[Also available in HD at Yahoo]