Hasbro is spending a bunch of money making a series of shameless, two-hour commercials for their toys, and CEO Bryan Goldner recently tried to defend his decision.  Thing is, the economy’s on everyone’s mind right now.  And Monopoly (which they hired Ridley Scott to direct) is totally economy-related! So you see?  It actually couldn’t be more relevant!

“The whole world is about the financial markets,” Goldner told MTV News. “You can’t turn on the news today without understanding the financial markets and what’s going on out there.”  If there is one underlying theme that will resonate with filmgoers across the world right now, it’s the drama behind money and houses. Owning railroads and big red hotels may be a little outside of that everyday scope [Editor's Note: Not for Big Red Hotels CEO Leon Silver!], but Goldner sees a feature-length story to be told within the the “personal story” he characterizes as the “Monopoly” experience that is worthy of Ridley Scott’s direction.

And here I was busy with my screenplay about the personal story within the story that characterizes my taking a dump experience.  I thought, if there’s one thing that will resonate with people, it’s taking a dump.

“He’s built these great big worlds of imagination,” Goldner said of the director. “Combine that with Pamela Pettler who’s writing this great script about real people kind of playing a real-life game of ‘Monopoly,’ not the board game, although they’re icons of the game. And then you really get the idea why this story could make sense right now.” [Editor's note: no we don't]

Scott seems to agree. Though he is hesitant to reveal specifics right now, he did corroborate Goldner’s vision. So like it or not, there is a large-scale reality-based “Monopoly” game on its way.

“I have to direct it,”  Scott said. “We have identified a pretty good story and it is fundamentally a movie, not a game, probably describing in a way the characters in the film, the passion of the game, and how the game came about.” [MTV]

Am I missing something? There are no characters in the game.  Though if he makes an origin story about a shoe with wings on it, that might be interesting.  Still I think the operative phrase in there was “I have to direct it.” What they didn’t tell you was that he was looking nauseous and trying to come to grips with reality when he said that.

Hasbro has already announced production on movies based on The Ouija Board, Candyland, Stretch Armstrong, and Monopoly.  Now they’re threatening to make the Pirates of the Carribean of Clue remakes.

Universal has attached Gore Verbinski to develop “Clue,” a live-action murder mystery based on the Hasbro board game that he would direct.

Despite a totally metal first name, Verbinski is the director responsible for Pirates of the Caribbean 3 and there’s no excuse for that.

A previous film version was released in 1985.  “Clue” will be turned into a mystery that Blind Wink senior veep Jonathan Krauss called “A global thriller and transmedia event that uses deductive reasoning as its storytelling engine.” [Variety]

Well that sounds great, Jonathan, but on the other hand I hope you die.  In the shed by Admiral Pink with the rape stick.

Once upon a time, that a movie was just a 2-hour toy commercial was an accusation to be disputed by the filmmaker.  These days it’s just taken for granted.  Following recent announcements of an Ouija Board movie, a Candyland movie, and a Monopoly movie, Hasbro and Universal are now planning a Stretch Armstrong movie, to be written by Kung Pow jackass Steve Oedekerk – who’s written a few mediocre movies in his time, but whose legacy can best be summed up by the fact that his website has a giant picture of his face on it.

The toy, a 13-inch, blond-haired muscled figure whose limbs could be stretched to nearly four feet, was launched by Kenner in the ’70s. He had a dog named Fetch Armstrong, and a sibling, Evil X-Ray Wretch Armstrong.

Phew, did you catch all that?  A better way to say it is that he’s like Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four but with no backstory.

Hasbro’s Brian Goldner and Bennett Schneir will produce.  “This is a new well from which to draw intellectual properties that bring a pre-awareness and nostalgia,” Schneir said. “They are drawing filmmakers who find a real emotional connection and resonance, and this is proving to be a compelling driver for motion pictures.” [Variety]

Wow, slow clap for the guy who just used “intellectual property”, “emotional connection,” and “resonance” to describe a movie about a stretchy doll.  You see, we here at the Third Reich have been drawn to the efficiency and pride that comes with connecting Jews to their rightful post-living environment. I’m amazed at these shameless cocksuckers just for putting their real names on these projects.  And what a name, too – “Bennett Schneir.”  It doesn’t even sound real.  It sounds like the name of a villain in a Steve Oedekerk movie.

^{Formula for diversity: Two whites, a black and an Asian. What did Mexicans ever to do you, Milton Bradley?}

If you didn’t think someone could come up with an idea infinitely more stupid than an Ouija Board movie, you obviously aren’t reading enough Hollywood news.

Universal Pictures is sweet on “Candy Land.” Studio has set Etan Cohen [Tropic Thunder] to write and Kevin Lima [Enchanted] to direct a live-action feature based on the enduring Hasbro board game.  The tyke-friendly board game isn’t as obvious an inspiration for a movie project as those other Hasbro brands, but the studio has tapped talent adept at comedy and family fare. [Variety]

It’s not an obvious inspiration for a movie because it’s just Sorry with f-cking candy painted on the board.  And not even good candy either, it’s like some shit people like in Victorian England ate, like yeast-filled prunes and marmalade-covered gelatine.  Do you know how f-cking poor you have to be to enjoy Candy Land?  Look, kids, pictures of candy!  Now let’s all close our eyes and pretend this dead cat is a nice warm fire!  Which pack of mongoloids decided that anything popular could be a movie?  Why not Ovaltine the movie, or Febreze?  Wait, did you just write that down?  Come back here!

You have to feel sorry for the “high-level writer” whom Platinum Dunes producer Brad Fuller claims to be hiring for his upcoming Ouija Board movie.  No, you read that right, the concept of the movie is a f-cking board game.

Fuller added that the movie will be “a huge movie. That’s a big, big, big thing. … It’s more of a, like, Pirates of the Caribbean adventure story, with a Ouija board at the center of it.”

The movie is being developed at Universal as part of Platinum Dunes partner Michael Bay’s relationship with Hasbro (Transformers), which owns Parker Brothers. Fuller added that the movie will NOT resemble Jumanji, another game-themed movie. [SciFiWire]

Hold on.. I think it’s spelling something… P A R K O U R… R O B O T S… H I P H O P D A N C E C R E W… yup, this is gonna suck.