"And don't EVER, let them play with my cars."

It should come as no surprise to anyone that Legendary Pictures and Mattel want to make a Hot Wheels movie.  There’ve already been plans to adapt Candyland, Ouija Boards, Battleship (with a $200 million budget), View-Finder, Bazooka Joe, and a dump Jerry Bruckheimer once took that looked like a pigeon, so wanting to make a movie that Pixar already made twice isn’t exactly a shocker. The big question is, which moronic movie producer adjective will they use to describe it? Dark? Gritty? Edgy? Contemporary? In the vein of the 300?

Interest in a Hot Wheels movie is revving up again, with Legendary Entertainment in early negotiations with Mattel to acquire film rights to the popular toy car line.
The deal would keep the project parked at Warner Bros., where Legendary is based.
No director or writers have yet been hired, but the potential pic is not targeted at the kids who buy Hot Wheels. Instead, the plan is to produce an edgier pic along the lines of Universal’s box office success “Fast Five.” [Variety]

Collect your prize, people who had “edgy” in the idiot producer-speak poll (I probably shouldn’t have spoiled this in the headline).  Interesting that they’re targeting the Fast Five audience rather than kids who buy Hot Wheels.  I guess it makes sense.  Adults who buy Hot Wheels probably have more disposable income.  What with the disability checks and such.
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Transformers and G.I. Joe made lots of money and were sort of based on kids’ toys, so now genius film and toy executives everywhere are falling all over themselves to greenlight movies about absolutely anything kids play with.  In fact, just yesterday I was putting the finishing touches on the script for My Boy Scout Leader’s Wiener 3D.  But while I wait for financing on that, Helix Films has announced a movie about erector sets.  IN GLORIOUS 3-D!

Helix is currently developing an original script for a 3D feature film with an eye towards creating a franchise based on the Erector brand that could also expand to other entertainment platforms including television and video games.
“The three partners of Helix Films all grew up playing with Erector Set toys but in different countries–Kevin Foo in Australia, Gaukhar Noortas in Kazakhstan and me and my brother Robert in the U.S.–so our partnership with Meccano is very personal, as well as exciting,” said Steven-Charles Jaffe (Ghost, Star Trek IV, Strange Days) of Santa Monica-based Helix Films. “We believe the iconic Erector brand offers generational appeal with global reach, providing a tremendous platform to create a thrilling film franchise that boys, girls and adults will all adore.” [via ComingSoon]

Steven-Charles?  You get one name, butthole, pick one.  Jaffe later went on to say:

JAFFE:  Multi-platform, vertically-integrated, synergy, web 2.0!  SOCIAL MEDIA, VIRAL MARKETING, GLOBAL POSITIONING, MMOS, LARPING, MESSAGE BOARDS, TOTAL IMMERSION, SPREADSHEETS, POWER POINT!  *appears to have breakdown, cackles wildly, smearing poop on own face*

INVESTOR 1: He seems to have a real passion for this project.

INVESTOR 2: Yeah, I’m sold. Cocaine?

INVESTOR 1:  Yes, please.

(I might just be saying this because he’s partying, but that costume is effing amazing.)

Transformers and G.I. Joe scored big at the box office, so why not adapt so more kids toys?  Like, say, Legos? Don’t answer that.  Believe it or not, in Hollywood, that’s considered a rhetorical question.

WB is toying with plans [haha TOYING, get it? *cocks pistol*] to develop a movie around Lego and its popular building blocks.  Scribes Dan and Kevin Hageman are penning the script for the family comedy that will mix live action and animation. Warners is keeping the plot tightly under wraps, but it’s described as an action adventure set in a Lego world.

Directors and producers in town have attempted to make a Lego movie for years, approaching the Danish toymaker with various ideas, but Lego turned down most of them because it’s highly protective of its brand.  But the company sparked to producer Dan Lin and the Hageman brothers’ embrace of core values Lego wanted to include in a film, especially “a fun factor, creativity and that imagination has no boundaries,” Lin told Daily Variety.  [Variety]

See, hundreds of people had wanted to make a Lego movie before, but when the Lego execs asked how they’d do it, the answer was always, “We were thinking of something totally without fun, creativity, or imagination, like building a puppy casket according to spec.”  After a few rounds of that, we just assumed it’d never happen.  But this Dan Lin guy, he wouldn’t take no for an answer, and when he finally broke into the office he said, “Guys, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but we should make a movie that kids will like.”   We hired him on the spot, and then we all went out for Jamba Juice.

A Voltron movie?  Sure, why not.

The producers behind “Get Smart”, “The International”, and “The Dark Knight” have acquired the rights to make a live-action feature, pushing the project forward after several years in development.  “Wanted” producer Jason Netter and World Events’ Ted Koplar are joining the Atlas trio (Charles Roven, Richard Suckle* [!!??!] and Steve Alexander) in producing.

“Voltron,” features a “Transformers”-like conceit, in which a band of five robot-lions combine to form one super lion. Pilots control the lions, which are charged with defending the planet Arus from villain King Zarkon, who dispatches evil creatures called Robobeats to fight the Voltron robots.

Koplar compared it favorably to “Transformers, saying that “unlike other robotic action movies, ‘Voltron’ is the personification of the human spirit, a quality that will set this movie apart.” [THR]

That’s right, the human spirit, when personified, looks like a giant robot made of smaller, lion-shaped robots driven by human pilots.  With a big sword.  I think that was in the bible.

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Back in the day, half the reason companies financed movies was so they could sell a bunch of toys based on the movies.  Today’s latest stupid trend is taking a toy and then trying to make a movie out of it. And now Tom Hanks is getting into the game!  Yay, hooray for shameless whoring!

Universal will develop “Major Matt Mason,” a live-action feature based on the vintage Mattel action figure. Pic will be developed as a star vehicle for Tom Hanks, and Graham Yost will write the script.  The toy line originated in 1966; Mason led an astronaut team that worked on the moon and lived in a space station. The toy was a hit in the buildup to the first manned moon mission. Mattel retired the line in the 1970s. [Variety]

Oh, Tom Hanks.  Remember when his talent and everyman charm made him America’s sweetheart?  I think maybe the creepy Nic Cage hairline has seeped into his brain and affected his thinking like Dr. Octopus’ robot arms in Spider-Man 2. ‘Cause when you dance with Nic Cage hair, Nic Cage hair don’t change, Nic Cage hair changes you.