Clockwork Orange kitty can't unsee Saw

I had fun recreating the plot of Tyler Perry’s For Colored Girls with quotes from the reviews, but lest we forget that no race nor group of people has a monopoly on crappy torture porn, I’ve gone ahead and given Saw 3D the same treatment. Turns out Caucasian torture porn involves less rape and slam poetry, but more eyeball drilling and disemboweling. (*More You Know music*).  But before I get to that, my favorite quote, from the NY Times:

The “Saw” franchise has always produced meretricious garbage, with a claim to moral complexity that serves as a fig leaf while we enjoy the sight of limbs being hacked off and heads exploding. (The standard reaction in theaters to these payoff scenes is laughter and cheers.) The one distinctive thing about the films has been their Dadaist quality, brought about by a concentration on elaborate, self-referential game-playing at the expense of story and logic.

“Mmm, yes, Dadaist.  Exactly,” I thought as I farted into a coffee can to save for later use.  Anyway, LET’S PLAY A GAME.

We see Dr. Gordon (Cary Elwes), in the moments after his foot amputation from the first Saw (2004), dragging himself along the floor, then cauterizing his bloody stump on a hot steam pipe. -EW

In a very early sequence, a young woman is suspended above a buzz saw. Her crime was having two lovers, who now have the option to kill one another or agree to raise the saw up and eliminate her. -Boston Globe

Two hunky dudes and the (two-timing) hottie wake up, bound and dazed, in the middle of one of Jigsaw’s vintage torture setups. Each of the dudes faces a circular saw, and the girl is suspended from the ceiling, a third saw poised beneath her bare midriff. Instead of being imprisoned in a disgusting dungeon, they’re on display in an airy glass chamber in the middle of a crowded outdoor mall. As they struggle to get free, spectators gather to watch and even snap cellphone photos. The dudes must decide if they want to save themselves or the girl, which turns out to be not much of a choice. -EW

Then the slaughter commences, with a vital organ or two spurting out at the audience in 3D. -EW

Not much later a gang of racist punks has been rounded up and rigged for group destruction in a rusty garage. -Boston Globe

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Here’s the new trailer for I Spit on Your Grave, a remake of the 1978 film of the same name, starring a bunch of people you’ve never heard of, from the director of Sasquatch Mountain and Mongolian Death Worm.  It’s basically a torture porn flick, but, like, empowering, because the girl who does the torturing is only torturing guys because they brutally gang-raped her.  That way, not only do you get to enjoy the torture with a clear conscience, you get to watch a girl get gang raped.  Sounds delightful.  This is how Precious should have ended.

Semi-related: Looks like someone made the male version:
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Douchedog says, "Nice tats, brah."

If we are to believe anything that comes out of this event they call Comic Con, then it appears that the Saw franchise will end with the seventh installment, Saw 3D. An announcement will be made at Comic Con at some point today addressing the end of the horror franchise. Somewhere Carry Elwes and Danny Glover are sharing a glass of pinot grigio and reflecting on the most average work of their respective careers.

Make me dig a key out of dirty syringes, I4U:

The announcement of the series ending is expected to be made today at Comic-Con, but USA Today got an early tip on the news. “It’s time to stop. We have told the story we wanted to tell, and this is going to be a great farewell,” said producer Oren Koules.

The first Saw movie was a very budget [sic], independent film but it quickly grew into a huge commercial success, spawning a nauseating five sequels, each barely connected to the movie before.

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Courtesy of Bloody-Disgusting, you’re looking at the new motion poster thingy for Saw 3D (“The traps come alive!”), aka Saw VII, aka Saw 7, Audience O, aka 5aw 5373n, aka 7 Saw 7 Furious. Well, hopefully that’s what you’re looking at and not just a blank screen. If you can’t see it… well, it’s pretty cool. Definitely the coolest thing ever to be associated with Saw. Get it? “Eye-popping 3D” because the eyeball is literally popping! You “can’t blink” because it ain’t got eyelids! And ’cause of all the microwave meth and Mountain Dew!  Boy, if that eye could only see the audience staring back at it. Just WWE shirts and Juggalo orgies as far as the eye can see, and no one under 400 pounds. Dig in, fatty, hope you like torture porn.

The poster designer was probably depressed to find that his Un Chien Andalou reference had been mostly lost on this crowd. Stupid liberal-arts education, what a waste of money.

Whoa, settle down, there’s no reason to bring jack handles into this…

Buried, my least favorite movie of Sundance, now has a trailer and a poster in anticipation of its limited theatrical run in September.  As far as marketing goes, they’re a pretty accurate representation of what you’re going to get with this movie: 90 minutes of Ryan Renolds in a coffin.  The poster and the trailer  both pimp the gimmick hard, and a gimmick was really all this movie was.  The story is, Ryan Reynolds plays a civilian contractor in Iraq who’s been buried a in a coffin a few feet underground with just a lighter, a cell phone (he gets reception because he’s not buried very deep), and a few other toys.

You might think the filmmakers would have something important to say to go to the trouble of making a movie like this, but from what I gathered, the only real statement seemed to be “we wanted to prove to people that we could make a movie that was just a guy in a box for 90 minutes.”  Why?  Because f*ck you, audience.  If you liked the end of Million Dollar Baby that was super unrealistic and where everyone was cartoonishly mean to Hillary Swank for no reason (“Gee, honey, it’s so sad that you lost your boxing match where that other girl blatantly cheated in front of everyone and didn’t get disqualified,”), you’ll love Buried.  It’s pointless and cruel just like real life.  Wow, deep, man.

[Poster via FirstShowing]