Apple just released the trailer for The Double, from director Michael Brandt and Derek Haas, who both co-wrote Wanted and 3:10 to Yuma, starring Richard Gere and Topher Grace as a pair of government agents tracking a legendary Soviet assassin (Soviet? Jeez, what year is it?). Richard Gere plays an old CIA salt, whose boss Martin Sheen brings him out of retirement and tells him, “It’s Cassius, he’s back.” And Richard Gere’s all like, “No, it can’t be, I killed him with my own gun!” And then this rookie FBI agent played by Topher Grace jumps up and he’s like, “Oh, I think it is.” And then Martin Sheen’s like, “Dick? Meet Topher, he knows more about Cassius than any snot-nosed rookie Poindexter with no field experience I’ve ever met.”

So then they team up, like a regular Sean Connery and Nic Cage. But next thing you know, Richard Gere is like, “GUESS WHAT, I’M CASSIUS!” And starts garroting people with his fancy watch. Then Topher Grace says, “This entire time… he’s been hunting himself!” Which is kind of lame, because duh, we already knew that. So… Why do we need to see this movie now? I guess just to see Richard Gere scream at chicks.

Back in the 80s our enemy was the Soviets, whose code name here is “Cassius.” Do you think that’s a reference to Cassius Clay, foreshadowing our enemies eventually becoming Muslims named Muhammed? Discuss.

Here we have Topher Grace, Anna Faris, Dmitri Martin, and Dan Fogler in the trailer for Michael Dowse’s Take Me Home Tonight, which doesn’t look terrible, just like a more generic version of Adventureland.

As the summer of 1988 winds down, three friends on the verge of adulthood attend an out-of-control party in celebration of their last night of unbridled youth. Recent MIT grad Matt Franklin (Topher Grace) should be working for a Fortune 500 company and starting his upward climb to full-fledged yuppie-hood. Instead, the directionless 23-year-old confounds family and friends by taking a part-time job behind the counter of a video store at the Sherman Oaks Galleria. [Cinematical]

Not to be confused with Greg Mottola’s 80s period piece from two years ago…

Unable to afford the European vacation he’d dreamed of, recent college grad James Brennan (Jesse Eisenberg) reluctantly takes a gig at a local amusement park, only to learn that the dead-end job is, in fact, excellent preparation for the real world.

And just when you’re like, “Whoa, aren’t they gonna put the Eddie Money song in the trailer?” BOOM!  There’s the f*ckin’ Eddie Money song, right in the f*ckin’ trailer! Meanwhile, Adventureland had the New York Dolls, Husker Dü, and the Velvet Underground, was rated R, and made no money.  Stupid Greg Mottola, what were you thinking, not naming your movie after a song, giving it a cheesy tagline, and making it look like a Glee episode?  Were you trying to not make money? Ugh, I hate people.

The word around the campfire today is that Sony is developing a Venom movie as a Spider-Man 3 spinoff.  Venom, who was played by Topher Grace and was such an interesting part of Spider-Man 3 that I didn’t even remember it, actually died in the movie.  But that hardly matters.  As Rob Lowe’s character says in Thank You for Smoking, “So what?  That’s one line of dialog.  ‘Thank god we invented the… you know, whatever device.’”

Gary Ross [Pleasantville, Seabiscuit] is writing “Venom” as a potential directing vehicle. Ross is already writing “Spider-Man 4” for the studio.  In the comics, Venom is a gooey alien parasite that bonds with Peter Parker and later his newsroom rival, among other people, becoming one of more popular villains in “Spider-Man’s” rogue gallery.  Topher Grace portrayed the character in the 2007 movie, which ended with both the human and the alien symbiote apparently destroyed in an explosion. [Variety]

So… am I supposed to be more or less excited about this than about Spider-Man 4?  Because I gotta tell you, I’m feelin pretty shrugswardly about both of them.  And I should be the target audience.  I’m not even the kind of guy who (*air quotes*) had sex with (*air quotes*) girls in (*air quotes*) high school.

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