With 1000 douchey frat guys dressing like Maverick and Ice Man every Halloween for the past 10 years (many of them good friends of mine), it was only a matter of time before one of them would go to work for a studio and bring back Top Gun.  Which is exactly what Vulture is reporting, saying Paramount has put out offers to Jerry Bruckheimer and Tony Scott, and hoping Chris McQuarrie (Usual Suspects, Valkyrie, The Tourist) will write the script, with a smaller role for Tom Cruise. It would have to be a different kind of script if set in the present, since the old Top Gun School in Miramar, outside San Diego, on which the original was based, has moved to Fallon, Nevada, which will really deflate a guy’s beach volleyball.

YOU CAN RIDE MY TAIL ANY TIME, VULTURE:

At a junket for Disney’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Bruckheimer let slip  that he had been “recently approached again to start talking about [a sequel]” but noted that “the aviation community has completely changed since we made the movie a long time ago.” Since 1986, the TOPGUN syllabus has been changed so the focus is far less on the spectacular and dramatic air-to-air dogfights that defined Top Gun and far more about teaching U.S. pilots to drop very large bombs on very small ground targets.

But we’re told by a source close to the project that McQuarrie — who is friendly with Cruise — has found a way to incorporate Maverick, and what’s more, we hear that Cruise has agreed to take a smaller role in the film, provided it’s not too “obvious” a part.

We’re told that a big part of the reason [for a sequel] is the influence of David Ellison, the 27-year-old son of Oracle Corp. founder — and world’s sixth-richest man — Larry Ellison. Despite being only 3 years old when Top Gun first strafed theaters, Ellison clearly became a big fan of the film on VHS, and went on to become both an aerobatic pilot and instrument-rated commercial pilot before attending USC’s film school and then launching his own production company, Skydance. His first production was the 2006 World War I drama Flyboys, in which he also starred.

It would be an interesting move for Bruckheimer, who’s been doing nothing but horrendous piles of farts for like 15 years now.  If it’s hard to reconcile today’s Bruckheimer with the guy listed as a producer on Top Gun, Crimson Tide, Days of Thunder, and The Rock, that’s because 99% of the movies Jerry Bruckheimer produced that weren’t terrible were with his old partner, Don Simpson, who died of a drug overdose in 1996.  Vulture wonders if this possible Paramount project is Bruckheimer’s way of testing the waters away from Disney, where he’s produced most of his terrible movies since 2000.

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"That's right, bro, it's a lens. Sick, right?"

WB and Legendary pictures have to get their Superman movie made by 2012, because in 2013, some of their rights revert back to the heirs of creator Jerry Siegel (and god forbid those worthless catamites get nickel of this).  Back in February, WB hired Chris Nolan to “mentor” the process.  A few weeks after that, we heard David S. Goyer (co-wrote Batman Begins, story credit on Dark Knight) was writing the script.   Now, according to Deadline, Chris Nolan and producer Emma Thomas have a shortlist of possible directors.  BOOM!  HERE THE F*CK THEY ARE!  (That’s just how I roll, homey).

• Tony Scott (recently of Unstoppable — it’s like a missile the size of the Chrysler building!)
• Matt Reeves (Cloverfield, Let Me In)
• Jonathan Liebesman (Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Clash of the Titans 2)
• Duncan Jones (Moon, Source Code)
• Zack Snyder (Watchmen, 300, Sucker Punch)

Nolan is reportedly meeting with candidates and will submit his choice to the studio in a few weeks.  Tony Scott is out of the question, because nowadays he only does movies about trains (though Superman is faster than a speeding train — discuss).  Matt Reeves… haven’t seen Let Me In yet, but… meh.  Jonathan Liebesman… double meh.  I still haven’t seen Duncan Jones’ Moon (no homo), but everyone says it’s amazing.  I believe them, but it’s always hard to predict what’ll happen when a director goes from smaller projects to blockbusters, and whether he’ll let the studio walk all over him or not.  I’m all for Zack Snyder.  He made the supposedly un-adaptable Watchmen and almost pulled it off.  Imagine the fun he could have with Superman.  But something tells me Superman doesn’t have enough zombies or owls or swordfights or hot chicks in spandex for Zack Snyder’s tastes.  Come to think of it, Superman is a little boring.  He’s like Steve Young with superpowers.

If you’re wondering why I just cranked up my Soul Asylum record, it’s because they just released a trailer for Tony Scott’s Unstoppable, a film about a runaway train, never comin’ back; wrong way down a one-way track.  You can watch it now, but after it’s over, we’ll need to put on flannel and discuss social issues.  Denzel Washington and Star Trek‘s Chris Pine star as the interracial buddy cops train conductors, with Pine as the snot-nose rookie fresh out of the academy, and Washington as the grizzled veteran who’s too old for this sh*t.  Suddenly a freight train loaded with chemical waste takes off down the tracks with no conductor, and as the beautifully big-breasted Rosario Dawson helpfully informs us, it’s like a missile the size of the Chrysler building, and it’s headed straight for the orphanage/puppy shelter. Basically, it’s like if Lethal Weapon, Die Hard with a Vengeance, and Speed got wasted and triple kissed at a frat party.

Verdict?  Mehhhh.  Tony Scott is pretty hit or miss. His last three movies were Domino, Deja Vu, and The Taking of Pelham 123, about as dismissive wank-worthy a group as you’ll find.  Man on Fire was fun, but I can’t imagine watching Denzel Washington catch a train from behind with another train will be nearly as enjoyable as watching him shove a bomb up a guy’s ass and let it explode (call me old-fashioned). And as far as movies with the plots of mid-90s alt rock songs goes, I’d definitely rather see “Possum Kingdom.”

Exactly one month ago, Vince reported on the news that Guillermo del Toro’s The Hobbit had to push its release date back as a result of MGM sh–ting the bed. Then yesterday, MarketSaw broke the “exclusive” news that The Hobbit had finally been greenlit, was slated to begin shooting in November and would also be shot in 3D. But then in homeroom class, some people started saying that MarketSaw was a lying tramp who dresses like a slut. Luckily, to end the dispute, last night AintItCool called up Guillermo del Toro on the kitchen phone and asked him about the rumors.

Q: The story that was reported earlier today that THE HOBBIT has been greenlit and will be shot in 3D, that is false?

Del Toro: On both counts, there are no final answers. It is not greenlit. That is categorical. And 3D has been discussed literally once in the room. The budget and the schedule and everything that we are handling – the cost of the film, the number of days it would take to shoot – is being handled right now without looking towards 3D. Is there a chance it will become 3D in the future? Maybe. Right now, it’s not being planned as such.

So, I guess what this all boils down to is that today’s Hobbit news is the exact same Hobbit news from a month ago. Now I’m not exactly sure how this whole deja vu thing works, but I imagine that if experienced while watching Tony Scott’s film Deja Vu you probably fold in half and your body sucks into your own ass until you implode -or nothing happens and you just sit there asking yourself, “How high am I? Am I really watching Tony Scott’s Deja Vu?”.

(that train engine is actually 60 feet long)

Variety reports that Rosario Dawson has just joined the cast of Tony Scott’s upcoming Unstoppable alongside Denzel Washington and Chris Pine. Scheduled to begin shooting this fall, Unstoppable comes from writer Mark Bomback who recently penned the screenplay for 2007′s Race To Witch Mountain (oh great, so we’re in good hands then).

Unstoppable, a 20th Century Fox drama about a runaway train carrying a cargo of toxic chemicals. Pits an engineer and his conductor in a race against time. They’re chasing the runaway train in a separate locomotive and need to bring it under control before it derails on a curve and causes a toxic spill that will decimate a town. [IMDB]

The script is loosely based on actual events, which probably means that Mark Bomback once owned a train set…then again, maybe it’s actually based on the time that Denzel Washington and Chris Pine stopped an unmanned train. I don’t know, how should I know? I’m not the one who told you to cheat off me during this test. Well, regardless of whatever the hell it actually means to say that something is “inspired by true events”, I do believe that Mitch Hedberg said it best:
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