"Suprise, pendejo. Odelay, señor first ése, escort these putos off my bridge."

I had a chance to see Tony Scott’s most recent movie, Unstoppable on cable a few weeks ago, and if you haven’t seen it, allow me to summarize: there’s a train, and its brakes are out. Are you still with me? Denzel Washington and his young white mentor RISK THEIR JOBS to stop the train (against their boss’s wishes! because he’s a greedy business man! he doesn’t care about orphanages, only trains!), which they eventually manage to do by USING THE SAME THING THEY TRIED IN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES OF THE MOVIE. I guess what I’m saying is, I realize Tony Scott has made a few decent movies in the past (True Romance, Man on Fire, The Last Boy Scout), but those had to have been freak accidents.

Anyway, now that Tony Scott has made two train movies in a row, he’s getting back to his Crimson Tide roots with another submarine movie, the hilariously titled “Narco Sub.” Presumably it will one day make a fine addition to his BIG THINGS THAT GO VROOM ouevre.

Twentieth Century Fox acquired the action thriller spec Narco Sub from David Guggenheim with Tony Scott attached to direct. Guggenheim developed the script with Simon Kinberg and it has become a priority at Fox. Described as reminiscent of Scott’s Crimson Tide and Man on Fire…

Now, this is an amazing description, because Man on Fire was about Latin American drug gangs and Crimson Tide was set on a submarine, both directed by Tony Scott. So saying Tony Scott’s “Narco Sub” is “Like Crimson Tide meets Man on Fire” is actually less descriptive than the actual two-word title. THE PLOT THINS! DUNT DUNT DUNNNN….

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Yes, it seems Jerry Bruckheimer and David Ellison (brother of Megan, son of Oracle founder Larry) are serious about making Top Gun 2. They’ve hired writers Zack Stentz and Ashley Miller to work on the script (a boy named Ashley! Can you imagine?). Stentz and Miller previously wrote a draft of X-Men: First Class that was re-written by Jane Goldman (Kick-Ass), and wrote Thor with Don Payne (but weren’t asked back for the sequel). It’s hard to say what Stentz and Miller’s contribution will be, but with Bruckheimer producing it’s safe to say that it’s going to suck.

The Variety report doesn’t offer any details on plot, but last year Tony Scott offered some possible details in an interview with Hitfix. Speaking of Tony Scott, Unstoppable is on cable right now, and man, if you ever wanted to watch two guys try and fail to stop an easily-stoppable train for two hours, I highly recommend it.

“I’m not waiting for a script. I’m going to do my homework. I’m going down to I think it’s Fallon, Nevada, down near New Mexico and it’s a whole different world now,” Scott says. “These computer geeks — these kids play war games in a trailer in Fallon, Nevada and if we ever went to war or were in the Middle East or the Far East or wherever it is, these guys can actually fly drones.  They are unmanned aircraft.  They operate them and then they party all night.”

Ooh, I hope it’s still about nerds playing on computers. That sounds super glamorous.

HOT FLIGHT CONSULTANT: “Lieutenant, I just really want to hear about the Mig sometime.” (*winking sexily*)

MAVERICK: “Well, why don’t you come by some time and we’ll… discuss.”

CUT TO: Two hours later, at Maverick’s apartment

Mav offers her bong load, they pass out playing xBox.

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(Tom Cruise 124 floors up on the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, filming stunts for Mission Impossible IV. More pics at WWTDD)

The biggest projects in Hollywood are invariably sequels, usually sequels to movies that are themselves remakes of TV shows (see: Transformers 3, Mission Impossible 4…).  Hell, they’re so desperate for anything someone’s heard of that they optioned f*cking Family Circus, which is literally a joke I made two years ago as an example of the dumbest thing I could think of.  The funny part is how steadfastly they refuse to admit it, as if calling something “Money Never Sleeps” instead of “2″ does anything but take up more space on the marquee.  Here’s Tony Scott on his plans for Top Gun 2:

“It’s not even a reinvention, it’s not even a sequel. It’s a re-thinking. What inspired me is that the world today is great, it’s so different from the world we touched originally. It’s really run by guys sitting in Nevada on computers playing war games.” [MTVMoviesBlog]

Oh yes, I remember when you touched the world.  The world was just chilling in the locker room in a towel, and Tom Cruise came up and he was all, “Hey, wanna play some beach volleyball?  I promise there won’t be any gays there.”

Speaking of Tom Cruise, (smooth as a baby’s ass, that transition) recent reports name him as the reason Mission Impossible IV is now called “Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol.”  Jeez, get that title a colostomy bag, I think the colon’s in the wrong place:

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Here at FilmDrunk, we’re huge fans of the trailer for Tony Scott’s Unstoppable.  There’s just something compelling about a movie that keeps upping ante, dramatically.  There’s a runaway train, you say?  My God!  Wait, it’s not a TRAIN, it’s actually a MISSILE the size of the CHRYSLER BUILDING?  With NO AIR BRAKES? And Denzell Washinton’s KIDS are on the track?!?  NOT AGAIN! SOMETHING’S GOTTA BE DONE! I DON’T CARE WHAT THAT PENCIL-PUSHIN’ BUREAUCRAT SAYS!

Anyway, like I said, we love Unstoppable, so with the help of our video editor, Oliver, we decided to take the idea to its logical conclusion.  LOOK OUT, THERE’S SOMETHING ON THE TRACKS!  IT’S CUTE AND FUZZY AND POSSIBLY DISABLED!  Enjoy.

[additional thanks to Frotcast listener Gabe]

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Val Kilmer sizes up his future self on the set of "Snack to the Future 2"

Top Gun director Tony Scott, fresh off The Taking of Pelham 123 and Unstoppable, has tentatively climbed aboard the veritable cock pit for Top Gun 2, presumably taking time off his busy schedule playing with toy trains and making explosion sounds.  As Scott told Hitfix:

“I’m not waiting for a script. I’m going to do my homework. I’m going down to I think it’s Fallon, Nevada, down near New Mexico and it’s a whole different world now,” Scott says. “These computer geeks — these kids play war games in a trailer in Fallon, Nevada and if we ever went to war or were in the Middle East or the Far East or wherever it is, these guys can actually fly drones.  They are unmanned aircraft.  They operate them and then they party all night.”
Scott also confirmed this wouldn’t be his next film, but possibly the one immediately after.  So, a “Top Gun” sequel is still a few years away. [Hitfix]

Nerds that play video games and get drunk?  Holy sh*t, that sounds glamorous.  “Yo Icebox, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Oh yeah! I feel the need… the need… for weed!” (*takes bong rip, whiffs high five attempt*)